I miss you, just like every other day

My friend had her baby yesterday. She called me to let me know. You become really torn when it comes to those sorts of topics. You are really happy for them, and relieved they made it into this world safely, but then it also brings up what you don't have. I don't have Harrison here with me in my arms. 11 weeks today Harrison was born. I have never really been a week counter, only when I am pregnant, and usually once December comes around, the count is on untill Christmas. Though with Harrison the weeks seem to be going so quickly, but yet the sadness that I feel seems to be as strong and just as heartbreaking from when I first had him. I wonder what he is doing up in Heaven. Does he think about me. Does he remember me? I wish someone could tell me these answers, I guess one day I will find out, but I wish I had them now. Some say things happen for a reason, well I don't understand why this needs to happen at all.

Harrison just like every other day, I miss you and I love you. Love mummy

If love alone could have saved you, you would have never had died.

You never said "im leaving"
You never said goodbye
You were gone before i knew it
and only god knew why
A million times i need you
A million times i cried
if love alone could have saved you
you never would have died
In life I loved you dearly
in death I love you still
in my heart you hold a place
that no one could ever fill
It broke my heart to lose you
but you didnt go alone
for part of me went with you
the day god took you home

Author Unkown.

We put up the Christmas tree last night, it made me really sad. I put Harrisons Christmas Angel ball up. I cried. Sometimes I feel like such a fraud,, the boys were jumping around being all excited, but it is moments like these that make me feel empty, and a piece of me missing. I looked around and thought if Harrison was here he would be in his little rocker why we do this. Our Harrison isn't here, he isn't in his rocker, we have four boys, but we are down 1. I didn't let the boys see me sad. I didn't want them to worry, and to be sad at a moment that should be happy.

Harrison I love you so much. I love you with all my heart and you are so very missed

Harrison's Angel Ornament

Harrison's Angel ornament came in the mail last week, I really love it. Thank you so much Rebecca for doing these gorgous Christmas ornaments.
We are putting up the tree this week, so I will be hanging this ornament up in a special place on the tree, up high enough so that Cody can't pull on it. Harrison is my baby angel.

I miss you my sweet baby boy. Thinking of you always. With much love Mummy.

A house full of flowers

When Harrison died, I had a house full of flowers. It changed my perspective on flowers. They were beautiful, don't get me wrong, but they all died. And that made me so sad. Another thing dying. Some people sent me orchids plants, they are gorgeous, In the note they wrote how the orchids flower at the same time every year, and that time is when Harrison is born. I really love that, then I went into a panic that I didn't want these plants to die. So far they are going fine. I look at these plants and think of him, As much as I love flowers I never want a house of flowers again. We had friends over for dinner and they were telling us of a friend of theres that wanted a house full of flowers, her daughter died in her 20's or so. She said she got her house of flowers then, and she to didn't want a house of flowers ever again.
I miss Harrison so much, he like my 3 other boys are my shining lights, and so precious. It just doesn't seem far that Me and Rodney are left without our son, and my son's are left without a brother.

I love you Harrison, I hope the angels are singing to you and playing games with you. Sending you kisses and hugs. Mummy Loves you.

you will never be forgotten

Harrison I will never forget you. You were just so precious. I had to go to the PA hospital to be admitted for allergy testing today. When I had Harrison I had an allergic reaction to something that they gave me. Well it sent me into a bit of a mess. Just going to a hospital and having to be admitted just made me miss Harrison. I started crying driving there. Standing in line to be admitted I was crying. I am sure all the people at the desk thought I was some crazy lady. It was hard, last time I was admitted into a hospital was to have Harrison. It's the whole hospital environment makes me think of my little angel.

You will never be forgotten

written by Jessica Andrews

I'll always see your face

the corner of your smile

And all the little things that no one will ever know

Like it was yesterday, won't ever fade away

Goodbye is just a word I will never say

You will never be forgotten

A million days could pass us by

But what is time but just a dream

Oh I still feel you here with me

Your more then just a memory

Oh you will never be forgotten.

I can't hold your hand

or look into your eyes

And when I talk to you

It just echoes in my mind

But if hearts are made of dust

And if we fell from the stars

I look up tonight and know just where you are

You will never be forgotten

A million days could pass us by

But what is time but just a dream

Oh I still feel you here with me

You are more then just a memory

Oh you will never be forgotten

And the world just keeps on going

It has no way of knowing

That you are gone.

I met another girl tonight at Sands a support group for those that have lost babies, who had a baby with Diaphragmatic Hernia. It was so nice to meet someone that went through what we did. Knowing your baby is sick, and having 20 weeks of hope and hell. Hope that your baby is going to go ok, and hell not knowing what is going to happen, and to go on with life.
It is strange, most people look at pregnant people and just think that everything is so happy. It just seems to be this natural thing that all pregnancies go well. People just presume. I remember a sales lady say to me 'As long as your baby is healthy' I am a private person, so I am not the sort of person that wanted to go into detail with someone I didn't know about Harrison, I stood there while she kept going on about as long as they were healthy, a part of me wanted to scream at her, My baby isn't healthy. He is sick. That phrase has a whole different meaning to it now.
It is strange, while I was pregnant with Harrison I did believe he was going to be ok. I wonder now if it was a coping mechanism. I also think you have this underlying thing that sort of stuff doesn't happen to me, so you push it away. I had the allergist today say to me, well we will test you for this, but it is a 1:5000 chance. I told him that with my luck I would have it, as Harrison had the same odds and look now.

The school year is also finishing. I am not coping very well with this. I use to be good with goodbyes, but since having Harrison, I am not. One of my closest friends is taking her daughter out of the school. They still will be local and it is not that I won't get to see her, but it is an end to something. Her daughter and Jordy went to prep together, and she is one of my best friends. So it is hard for me because school now won't be the same again. Honestly she is one of the people that I wouldn't have gotten through the last 6 months if I didn't have her. So I am very sad, and it makes it worst because I don't ever want to have to say goodbye to anyone any more. Saying goodbye to my son was the hardest thing I will ever have to do. The whole thought of having to say another goodbye is to much to bear. Even if I know it isn't a permanant one like Harrisons.

I miss you my sweet angel. Oh god I miss you. Loving you always. Hugs and kisses from Mummy.

I have a broken heart

My Mum is a survivor

Written by; Kay Des'Ormeaux

My mum is a survivor, or so I have heard it said..

But I can hear her crying at night, when all others are in bed

I watch her lay awake at night, and go to hold her hand....

She does not know I am with her, to help her understand.

But like the sands on the beach, that never wash away....

I watch over my surviving mum, who thinks of me each day.

She wears a smile for others....a smile of disguise.

But through Heavens doors I see.... tears flowing from her eyes.

My mum tries to cope with death, to keep my memory alive...

But anyone that truely knows her, Knows it is her way to survive.

As I watch over my surviving mum, through Heavens open door...

I try to tell her that angels protect me forevermore.

I know that does not help her, or erase the burden that she bears...

So if you get a chance, go visit her.....and show her that you care.

For no matter what she says....no matter what she feels...

My surviving mum has a broken heart, that time will never heal.

I found this poem on a web site, I like to think Harrison would be looking through Heaven's doors, seeing me, trying so hard to keep his memory alive, I can't help to have a broken heart. I always will, untill the day I can hold him in my arms again. I am blessed to have 3 beautiful boys I know need me and I love dearly. Each of my boys have a piece of my heart, but unfortunately there is one missing.

I love you Harrison. Sending you loads of hugs and kisses. Wishing you were here.

With much love Mummy.

I found this web site that has bereavement poems, and there was a section there for those that have lost babies and children. I have found a few poems that I thought really sumed up how I feel. Sometimes it is so hard to explain to people how you are feeling, and if you have read this blog, it can be the smallest thing that sends you into this abyss of sadness, and sorrow. Here is one of the poems I found there.

I'm An Angel Now

One night I cried to Jesus as I sat beneath a tree, I looked into the open sky and hoped he'd answer me...... I'm lost dear Lord, I've travelled far, but still I seem to roam. Please light the way and lead me Lord, I need to get back home....

I told him of my burdens, and the sadness in my heart. That from his gracious love, I'd never felt so far apart... Why did you take my child Lord? I cannot understand! No longer can I touch his face, or hold his tiny hand...

I am angry Lord, I'm missing him, I'm drowning in my sorrow Please help to heal my yesterday and face each new tomorrow.... It was then I heard his gently voice and felt his presence near How I wanted to hold him as I cried another tear...

He said Mummy, I am an angel now my spirit will be free I'm an angel now in heaven, so please don't cry for me I was choosen by our Lord above and now I am in his care When you need me, look inside your heart, I promise to be there

No one can ever take away our bond with one another For I will always be your precious child, as you will be my mother So if you cannot find your way, or the road to home seems far Just look up to the heavens.....and I will be your guiding star

He said 'Mummy, I am an angel now, my spirit will be free I'm an angel now in heaven, no need to cry for me....'

Written by Janice Grogen

I don't think it is possible to ever be able to stop crying for your child that is gone. I know I will never stop crying for Harrison. I know there will always be a piece of my heart that is missing. It will never go away this ache, this pain will be with me forever. It has left a scar on my life. I miss him so much, I never thought you could miss someone so much, someone who I only saw for 28 hours. But I knew for 9 months. 9 months of an unbreakable love that will never ever go away.

I love you Harrison.

Hearing your name

I was at a birthday party for a 2 year old yesterday, I got talking to a girl and she pointed out her little boy, who was 2 weeks older then my son Cody. I asked her her son's name and she said Harrison. My heart leapt in my throat and my first reaction was to say oh I have a son who is named Harrison. But I wasn't sure if that would start her asking questions, and the normal question is how old is he. I just didn't think it was the place or the time. I also don't think from the night before that I was stronge enough to answer those questions without crying. I had a couple of days of doing not to bad, now it is hard again, it is hard to not think about him and cry.
I have a girlfriend who has told me about this company the web site is www.smallp.com.au and they do impressions on silver of foot and hand prints, and then put them on jewellery. They have also told her that they can take that impression of the footprints that they gave us from the hospital. You can also get keyrings and cuffs for guys. I love this idea. How beautiful. So I will be emailing Harrison's image of his foorprints down to her. I can't wait to see how it turns out. I will keep you posted.

I love you Harrison. Mummy sends kisses and hugs to you.

It hit me yesterday

Yesterday afternoon, I had left a girlfriends place and was on my way to school to pick up my 2 older boys, as I was driving along a saw a women walking down the road, she had this gorgeous baby boy, who looked about how old Harrison would have been. He was up over her shoulder and he was just holding his little head up, and he was dressed in a very cute outfit. Well it was like I had been hit with a truck. I was overwhelmed with the most uncontrollable grief. I started to cry. I just thought that is what Harrison would be doing.
Then I got to school I tried to contain myself, walked in Cody went and played on the playground, he is starting to get to that age now where he happily goes plays and doesn't need me to stand right beside him. I sat there thinking how it would have been ok if Harrison was here. I would have been able to have Cody playing on the playground and I could have been feeding Harrison. Then reality strucks again and you realise that is going to happen. This made me so upset. I am usually someone who won't get emotional in publie. Then a girlfriend came up to me and asked how I was, I just started to cry, I explained to her about the baby. I lost it, It came out of left field for me. It had to be the day my son wanted me to wait for him and not meet him at the car, so I sat there trying to fight tears back untill the bell rang. I just needed to leave and get out of there. I just wanted my family together, Harrison with us.

Harrison I love you. I miss you. I miss you so very much.

We love you....

I stared at you all day the day that you were dying. trying to take every little thing in. It was hard to stop crying to try and take in all those things. There are moments like last night that I just want to scream why!!!! While I am pregnant I don't drink, I don't smoke at all, I don't even like to take a panadol while I am pregnant. Why did it happen to me?? You hear of mothers that smoke, some do drugs, some people drink and there babies are born healthy, and not that I am wishing it upon any one what happened to Harrison, but sometimes the world doesn't make any sense. My hubby works, we can support 4 children, we love our children dearly and would do anything for them. I just don't understand.
Alot of people ask me if we are going to have another one. I don't know. I didn't want a big age gap, as all the other boys have large age gaps, so when Harrison came along I thought that was great as I wouldn't have the age gap like the other boys. (the age gap has been by choice) Now if I was to have a baby, our son will nearly be 3, we will still have a reasonable age gap. I don't know. A part of me thinks it would be to hard. I am not sure on that question.

God tell my little boy that he is so missed, and loved so much.

I found this poem and it explains everything, people say the strangest things, or they don't talk about Harrison at all. When people do that it is like they are denying his existance. I want people to talk to me about Harrison. When I hear his name it makes my heart race. Even though I am still full of sadness, I want the world to know he was here. I want the world to know he was here for 28 hours and those 28 hours was life altering for me. Those 28 hours were the longest and the shortest 28 hours. So if you know someone who is grieving, talk to them. Even just tell them your sorry. If talking is to hard write them a letter. this poem says it all.

Don't Tell Me
Please don't tell me you know how I feel,

Unless you have lost your child too,

Please don't tell me my broken heart will heal,

Because that is just not true,

Please don't tell me my son is in a better place,

Though it is true,

I want him here with me,

Don't tell me someday I'll hear his voice,

see his face,Beyond today I cannot see,

Don?t tell me it is time to move on,

Because I cannot,

Don?t tell me to face the fact he is gone,

Because denial is something I can't stop,

Don't tell me to be thankful for the time I had,

Because I wanted more,

Don't tell me when I am my old self you will be glad,

I'll never be as I was before,

What you can tell me is you will be here for me,

That you will listen when I talk of my child,

You can share with me my precious memories,

You can even cry with me for a while,

And please don't hesitate to say his name,

Because it is something I long to hear everyday,

Friend please realize that I can never be the same,

But if you stand by me,

you may like the new person I become someday.

Judi Walker(In Memory of Shane)Copyright 1998

People tell me at times how Harrisons story is so sad and they don't want to cry in front of me because they don't want to get me upset. I don't mind you crying in front of me, I think of it as you are crying with me. What happened to Harrison is a tragedy, and it shouldn't happen. Bt do understand the pain that you feel for me is only a fraction of what I feel. Like the poem says don't tell me to get over it because I never will. Also don't tell me how to grieve because I need to he was my son.

When my babies are placed in my arms you fall in love. It is the deepest, most overwhelming love that you can possibly imagine. This is your baby who you would give anything for, give up your life for. I think most mothers would know that love, and it is hard to explain to those that don't have children. Harrison was placed in my arms and I only got to hold him for about 1 and a half hours before he died. That is my definition of torture. Your baby taken away from you who you love so dearly. And only mothers that have lost there children know how that feels.

Harrison I miss you, every day. I love you. Love Mummy

Watching you struggle

When I went down to see Harrison the 2nd time that night, he was flinging his little hands around, it was so hard as one time when he flung his little arm around, he knocked the tube next to him and it looked as though it hurt him because he seemed to try and let out a cry, but with all the tubes in and the ventilator tube in his mouth he couldn't, It was o hard to watch that, especially as a mother you just want to pick up your baby and give them a hug. He was such a little fighter. I remember sitting there with him and he was very restless, and I was holding his little leg, that is all I could do. Then his brothers came down, and I remember watching him calm down when we were all there, I am sure he could hear us, and that comforted him, as he relaxed and by the time we left he had fallen asleep. He was just so perfect.

This world is just such a crazy place. I don't think I will ever be able to understand why things happen, some people beliieve things happen to you for a reason, God doesn't give you anything that you can't handle. Things make you stronger. Some say that God doesn't give us this, this is just what happens from life. I guess I am never going to get any answers. I just know that I loved Harrison, and wanted him so much, and there is nothing worse then to watch a little baby struggle and then have to watch him die. If God is a loving God, I don't think he would do that, to Harrison or to me. So I have to believe this is the way the world is.

Harrison I miss you, I often think about what we would be doing now if you were alive, how different life would be with you and your brothers all demanding attention. I am on my toes now, so I am sure I would have been really busy, though I much rather that then to have you gone. I miss you little sweet boy. 28hours was just not enough, that day is relived over and over. I love you Harrison more then anything. Love Mummy

I wish I had you here

My dear Harrison, I never realised that morning when I got up out of the hospital bed to finally go see you, that it would be the only day I would spend with you. I feel like there was so much wasted time. I should have been with you through the night. I know Daddy was there with you, but it is almost like you hung on untill I got there, it is almost like you knew I wanted a day. I said while I was pregnant with you if I only got a day, that day was going to be mine. You held on for me, thank you my sweet little boy. You gave me my day. Except I wish we had longer to spend together. I love you so much, you were so perfect, and so beautiful, how could things go so horribly wrong? You had the softest of hair. You had hair like your brother Cody, both of you were dark. You also had cheeks like your brother Cody, really chubby and beautiful. We talk about you often, so does your brothers. Donovan finds it harder to talk about you. He gets so sad, Jordy talks about you regularly. We got pictures on the boys walls so they can see you. Cody knows your photo is in my locket, held close to my heart. I love you more then anything. Loads of kisses and hugs my little wings. Love Mummy

When I was pregnant with Harrison, I wasn't sure how long he would live, I was hoping and praying that he would be ok. I always said that if he lived for 2 hours I wanted those 2 hours to be mine. If he lived a day I wanted that day to be mine. I look back on that day and think how he hung on all night for me to come down, and then while I was there throughout the day he slipped away. I always felt that if he was to die, I would be there for him. That is the hardest thing holding your baby knowing they are dying in your arms and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. Knowing there is nothing anyone could do about it. As much as that was so hard for me and I will never forget that moment, I know you died listeniing to my heart beat, I held you so close, I just so badly wanted you to know I was with you. I just wanted to take away your pain. I talk about you everyday. I will never forget you, I love you.

Your little toes

I finally got a baby that took after me with something. (the other boys are spitting images of Rodney.) Harrison had my feet, and his little toe that curled in, is exactly like my feet. He also had my narrow feet. His were long though. That is one thing I paid attention to was his hands and toes. I held his hand for a long time, the day he was dying, I so desperately wanted him to know I was there. I love baby hands and feet, they just look so beautiful. Harrison had the longest fingers. I was so glad that the photographer, Jenny Ruddle, took these photos of his feet and cuptured the detail.

I can't begin to explain the loss I feel. It is like this overwhelming hurt in the heart, it is almost like your heart will tear apart and shatter into a million pieces. I miss him so much, every day, every hour, every minute he is missed. I love you Harrison, sending hugs and kisses to you. Love Mummy

I know Everything I do, Harrison influences it. Evrey decision, and alot of the time, when it is quiet every thought, is of Harrison. I love my 3 other boys dearly, and trust me they demand all my attention, but when they are asleep I think of Harrison. I found this quote the other day, and it is so true, I know how Harrison has left an imprint on my soul

I know for certain that we never lose the people we love, even to death. They continue to participate in every act, thought and decision we make. Their love leaves an indelible imprint in our memories. We find comfort in knowing that our lives have been enriched by having shared their love.

Leo Buscaglia

I believe in God and Heaven, I often wonder what Harrison is doing. I know he would be happy, he has no pain, which his life down here must have been painful. Harrison kept wanting to breath over the venilators, which they don't like them doing, as they need the ventilators to do what they are suppose to do, so they had to give Harrison drugs, they said this particular drug paralyzes him so he wouldn't do that. I wonder could he hear us, did he know we were there? My sweet little boy, I hope you are laughing up in heaven, and the angels are playing with you, I hope they sing to you when you go to sleep. I can imagine a beautiful field with the most unbelievable flowers that are so pretty. I hope God sits you on his lap and tells you stories. I also hope he passes on my messages from me. I miss you little man, I love you.

How do you pick yourself up....

How do you pick yourself up from losing your child. I put on 15kg through pregnancy, from the stress, I am an emotinal eater. My whole philosiphy was that, once he was born, I would focus on it then, I would be breastfeeding, and I will do it then. I never prepared myself for that he wouldn't make it and then now I am left with pain, and I just want to eat. So now I am 15kg heavier, and you don't mind those things if you have your baby to look at, but now I am left with such sadness, missing my son, and now fat, not fitting in any clothes. It is like another slap in the face. I lost 30kgs before I had Harrison, I was in the best shape I have ever been in, I was extremely fit. It just goes to show it doesn't matter what shape you are in, it doesn't mean anything. When I was pregnant with Cody, I was huge, and very unhealthy and unfit. Look at him, he is a perfectly healthy little boy. That also makes me so frustrated and angry, doctors constantly tell you you should look after yourself and if you are fit, you shouldn't have as many health problems, well I was fit and healthy and my baby wasn't able to make it. A part of me thinks why bother being fit and healthy?? It didn't do Harrison any good. It is so hard to concentrate on yourself, losing weight consumes everything I have because it is hard work for me. At the moment Harrison consumes me, I just don't know how to do it. I just wish I had him here. Sending a kiss and hug to you Harrison. I love you and miss you terribly. Love Mummy

In memory of you Harrison

I have been doing some charity work for the hospital that looked after Harrison, The Mater Brisbane Australia. Some families that lose babies donate a bear back to the Mater to pass on to another family who losses a baby. I love scrapbooking so I have made up cards for the Mater to hang on the bear, with a beautiful poem and then in memory of...

Harrison is going to be the first bear to get one of the cards pinned on. The cards are in the photo. There is a butterfly on the front as the hospital uses the butterfly symbol for grieving families. So when I lost Harrison a butterfly was put on my door to tell all hospital staff that I had lost my baby. This stops staff coming into your room congratulating you about your baby. Especially when your baby is in the nursury you do go to a particular floor that doesn't have alot of babies, and all you have is a photo. So I am going up to the Mater today to take some of these cards up, and Harrisons bear.

I miss you Harrison. Like always, I wish you were here, to give you a cuddle and a kiss. Please God tell him I love him. Surely that is the least you could do for me!

Wishing you were here

I have a busy day today, and sometimes that is good and others it isn't. I am still kind of trying to figure out what day it is today, a good one or a bad one.
I am trying to figure out what to do for Harrison for Christmas. Christmas is doing my head in. Through my pregnancy with Harrison, thinking he would do ok, I was just hoping he would get out of hospital for Christmas. So Christmas was my goal post. Now as it creeps up it is a reminder of what I don't have with me. I want to do something special, I am going to be getting him an ornament like I said in my entry a few days ago but I kind of wanted to do something special.
I found this quote the other day and the more people I talk to I realise that Harrison's death has affected more people then I realised, so when I read this quote, I thought it was really true,

The death of a baby is like a stone cast into the stillness of a quiet pool;the concentric ripples of despair sweep out in all directions,affecting many, many people.--De Frain, 1991

I miss you today, like every other day Harrison, I love you.

The sweetest little boy

My beautiful Harrison, I look at his photos, the most treasured things I have to remember him by. My cousin Holly has written a really beautiufl poem for Harrison, she wrote it 3 days after Harrison died. I miss Harrison so very much, not many words can explain how much you miss your baby after they die.

Ten Fingers and Ten toes

Ten tiny fingers and ten little toes

why he couldn't stay, nobody knows

Two little ears and two beautiful eyes

So many questions and so many whys

It doesn't seem right, certainatly not fair

With mum studying his face, even every hair

Tears flow around the room

A little life taken, far to soon

It will take time, for these hearts to mend

This gorgeous angel, was only on lend

A devoted mother feels ripped of

As she touches his skin so soft

Harrison has a higher purpose at Gods throne

Ment to be greater then flesh and bone

Forever remembered xxxxxxxx

By Holly Clarke

Christmas Angel Babies

When I went to Sands - the support group, we got talking about Christmas and I mentioned how I wanted to buy Harrison an ornament every year and one of the girls mentioned these ornaments. Rebecca Templemans is selling them via facebook. I think they are absolutely gorgeous, they are also personalised with your babies name. I am getting one for Harrison. He is my baby angel and I thought it was very fitting for Christmas. I will take a photo of Harrisons once I receive it.

Can't sleep tonight

I can't sleep tonight. I have a million things going through my head People say it is going to get better, maybe some day it will, but at the moment it seems to get worse. I use to be able to sleep, the last few weeks I can't. It is like this roller coaster, and not a fun one either. One minute I am sad, another I will be so angry, other moments I am busy with the boys, then there are those moments where the house is quiet, which are rare, but that is where it hits hard. I went to a support group today, Sands, it is for people that lose babies. It was so sad to hear those stories. Heartbreaking. After going, it has made me reflect, I am not sure I am handling it as well as I thought. I guess it is easy to get busy with the boys and try not to dwell, but then like I have said before constant reminders. It is almost like you are trying to gasp for air, but never being able to take that deep breath that you need. There has been family that has been really supportive and others that haven't. It is really interesting to see who is there and who is not. And you know people who I would have said would be there for me a year ago, have not been there at all. People I didn't know a year ago, have come out of the wood work and been there for me. Harrison you are so missed.I wish I could hold you in my arms. Feel your little breath on my cheek. I felt a breeze today, a poem that I have put on this site says that Harrison is sending a kiss and a hug on a breeze. Everytime I feel a breeze I think that, so I stand in a breeze for as long as I can, or for as long as it last, to try and capture every little kiss and hug that may be sent to me by him. I love you Harrison. Love Mummy

What do you say.....

Yesterday we met with a neighbour down the road who we don't really know. She asked us how many children do we have. I stood there not knowing what to say, Rodney was with me and he said we have 3 boys. I was sad at this, what do you say. I am in no state to explain to complete strangers what happened, but then I felt bad that we didn't acknowledge Harrison. I wanted to scream out I have 4 children. Then this person came over and saw that Cody our 2 year old had 2 little coupe cars. I couldn't explain that I got another one of a friend who was getting rid of them, ultimately for Harrison so Cody and Harrison wouldn't fight over them. It just made me sad. Once again every where you turn there are thoughts of him, and reminders of what we don't have. It breaks my heart that he isn't here. I miss you Harrison, mummy loves you.

The cord

I found this poem when I was organising Harrisons funeral. I really think it describes that special place Harrison will always have in my heart. When I first read this poem, it didn't take on as much meaning as it does now. I guess I will always be attached to Harrison, it is so hard to describe to people, but I think this poem sums it up.

The Cord

We are connected,

My child and I,

byAn invisible cord

Not seen by the eye.

It's not like the cord

That connects us 'til birth

This cord can't been seen

By any on Earth.

This cord does it's work

Right from the start.

It binds us together

Attached to my heart.I

know that it's there

Though no one can see

The invisible cord

From my child to me.

The strength of this cord

Is hard to describe.

It can't be destroyed

It can't be denied.

It's stronger than any cord

Man could create

It withstands the test

Can hold any weight.

And though you are gone,

Though you're not here with me,

The cord is still there

But no one can see.I

t pulls at my heart

I am bruised...I am sore,

But this cord is my lifeline

As never before.

I am thankful that God

Connects us this way

A mother and child

Death can't take it away!

Author Unknown

It is so hard to understand....

Over the last 7 weeks I have been left wondering and asking why?? I don't understand why God gave me Harrison, for him to take him so soon. I know when they told me about Harrison I was so afraid I would never get to see him alive. I just wanted some time, with him. I guess I was blessed with 28 hours, but I want more. I am not sure why God does this. One day when my time is up and I get to meet God, we will be having a big chat about why? Sometimes I question if I am being punish for something I have done. You question whether your a good parent. There are so many questions, and why is the biggest.

Say nothing at all.....

It has been interesting what people do and don't say to you after you lose someone. I have had people avoid me so much that it is so obvious. I have had people say the most unblievable things to me, that it stuns me into disbelief. Yesterday I had someone ask me if I thought I was a better person. I couldn't believe it. My son died in my arms only 7 weeks ago. Gosh sometimes you just want to scream. The hospital and medical professions call losing your baby a trauma to someone, and it is. It is the most traumatic experiece that I have ever gone through, and I don't wish it upon anyone. Honestly I will never be the same again. I am sure that person probably didn't mean it or maybe realised what she said. But I am grieving, and I am so angry at the world and at God so don't ask me if I think I am a better person. I don't think I would be able to reflect on that for along time. I don't think people really know what to say in situations, my biggest thing to tell people don't think you have to say anything. Do a kind act of cooking a meal, because that speaks volumes that you are there for them. And to be there to listen. Just sit and let that person talk, even if everyday they say the same thing. that is ok. We have been blessed with people making us meals, and every now and then people still do and it is the best thing people can do, we also have people take our ironing. These people have been wonderful, as they want to do something for us because they know we are in such emotional pain with our grief they know they can't take that away so they take the stress of everyday life away by doing little things. I have some friends around that just listen and they make my life so much more bearable.

Today we celebrate

Today we celebrate Harrison's brother, Cody's 2nd birthday. I didn't realise how much this makes me sad. I knew when Harrison's birthday would come around that I would be sad, but didn't realise that I would be sad on one of the boys birthday. You realise at times like this that you are one short. That there is a family member missing and that hole just seems to be so big today. As much as we are excited for Cody and thrilled he is 2, but in my heart it is sad becasue my sweet baby Harrison isn't here with us to celebrate. I miss you Harrison.

Another day goes by

7 weeks today since you died. Sometimes it feels like that day was a dream. A horrible nightmare. Those 7 weeks seem like a long time ago, Sometimes I question myself because I can't remember everything that happened. Did I kiss you enough? Did I tell you I loved you enough. Did you know I was there? Those questions are constantly on my mind. Did you know that I was holding you when you died? Gosh it just doesn't seem fair to just have a box of things instead of you. I love the photos of you but I would rather have you. I have a photo that the hospital gave me beside my bed, it is one of the first photos taken of him. He looks so beautiful and so healthy in a way. I wish my baby was here, I never got to see his eyes open, I never got to hear his little cry. Those are the things I wish dearly for. I miss you Harrison as always. I love you.

The other side to people

I have been married to my husband for 8 years now, I have always got on with my in laws. When we knew Harrison was coming we organised them to come down and stay at our house to look after the boys for us, then Rodney had the flexiblity to be where ever he needed to be. The day Harrison died, Rodney raced back to our house to get them so they could meet Harrison. I am so glad that they did get to meet my sweet little boy. There was one moment that the big doctor wanted to talk to us, I sat next to my mother in law and said to her 'if the big doctor wants to talk to us, that is never good news' My mother in law was trying to be positive and told me that it would be ok. Well the doctor certainly delivered bad news, he told us that Harrison wasn't going to make it. That day I saw another side of my father in law. He struggled so much seeing Harrison so sick, and knowing he was dying. He made a comment that you accept the fact that you have to watch older people go in life but to see a baby so sick and to watch him die was hard. I am so glad for all there supposrt that day and the days that have gone by. My father and law rings and checks on us to make sure we are doing ok. I feel like I am closer to them now more then ever.

I love you Harrison, it is another day without you. The days seem to fly by and I can't believe you were born 7 weeks ago. The weeks seem to just fly by.

I am starting up some charity work in honour of Harrison. I will keep you posted on that.

You look so small in Daddies arms

Harrison was one of our smallest boys. Only 8pound and 14 ounces. In this photo he looks so small. Harrison was long though, 55cm, He was so gorgeous. I was surprised when they told us his weight. I really did think he was going to be heavier. When I was pregnant with him, he felt huge, I guess that didn't help with how much fluid I had either. You look like your daddy in this photo. People since knowing about Harrison seem to like to tell you of this story that this baby lived only 2 hours and this one lived only 3 months, I know as a mother who has lost a baby, no time is never enough, I feel for those that have still borns, or even those that lose there baby after 2 hours. I feel like the 28 hours I got just wasn't enough and I would give anything for another hour. I would give anything for 3 months worth of memories, I guess though those people that had 3 months wish for more as well. I think of Harrison as my little wings. We did a slide show at his funeral and had the song from Celine Dion Fly, it this song she mentions littlle wings. That 'little wings' phrasing has just stuck. So I think of Harrison as an angel with little wings. I often wonder if God lets them look down on earth? Does God give them messages from us? I wish I knew, I often ask God to pass on a message to him, so I hope he does.