tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30703460409794282322024-03-14T23:43:50.988+10:00Harrison's StoryThis is a blog of Harrisons struggle and fight for life, and the journey you go through when your baby is sick, Hope this blog may help you to love your children more, and help someone who has a sick baby to cope or those in the unfortunate position to lose your baby, to know you aren't alone.Melhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00926961799698215662noreply@blogger.comBlogger130125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3070346040979428232.post-21591756568402977432014-09-30T16:03:00.005+10:002014-09-30T16:03:55.456+10:00Four Years on, wow has it been four years, where has the time gone. Some moments it feels like yesterday, others it feels like a life time ago.<br />
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The last four years has been a journey full of such mixed emotion. It has been so sad, and certainly a walk where you find a way to live with such sadness. But after four years I have come to see my son's life as such a blessing. It saddens me where you hear of stories of where people shut down after the loss of their baby and some make the tragic choice of suicide after losing their baby, but what I want to say to them is hang in there. After four years my son's life has changed my life so dramatically.<br />
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I use to go to my jobs and always think, 'there has to be something better out there, something that has meaning' I guess my priority has always been a mum so if I've had jobs I have felt they have been tedious and extremely meaningless. I always envied my husband who seems to love his job. Don't get me wrong I love being a mum, I guess that is why I wanted to do a job that had meaning, that I could justify my time away from them.<br />
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So in the aftermath of losing Harrison I started my journey in creating Harrison's Little Wings Inc a not for profit organisation. We provide Practical Support for High Risk Pregnancies, this could be through house work, yard maintenance, financial help for things like car parking at hospitals etc. I have also been extremely blessed to have the fortunate opportunity to be sitting on several government boards and a hospital board. This has all come from my son's life. I love what I do and I am so passionate about bereavement care for women and families. Finally I feel as though I have found what I am passionate about, I have had a tragic experience, but my son's life is not lost on sadness and grief his short life showed me a world I wish on no one, but a world that needs strong Mummies and Daddies to speak up and rally for better care for families.<br />
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Harrison will always be included in my family. He will never be forgotten and always loved</div>
Melhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00926961799698215662noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3070346040979428232.post-9273191169890618412012-04-25T01:44:00.002+10:002012-04-25T02:14:16.377+10:00My journey and Harrison's Legacy.I can't believe it has gone past the 18 month mark of our sweet Harrison coming into our world and sadly leaving it way to soon. This journey has been filled with so many lows, so many tears, but it has also been filled with so much love and so much support from people I never thought possible. This journey has taught me so many lessons and Harrison's life has inspired me to do things that I would never have thought possible.<div><br /></div><div>I would never have thought I would have been up in front of large groups of people sharing Harrison's story. I would never thought I would have been educating midwives about baby loss. Though I must admit, I have loved doing this, I love that Harrison's life is making such an impact of those future families that unfortunately, and tragically will also lose their babies. Unfortunately I can't stop that from happening but what I like to think Harrison's life and memory can do is make a families experience be a positive one, surrounded by midwives who aren't afraid of death and not afraid to break the stigma that our society has put around death. A family can build so many memories after their babies have died. Just by being able to give your baby a bath, spend time touching your baby, holding your baby, kissing their checks, touching their hair are such treasured and the most unforgetable memories that a family can make. </div><div><br /></div><div>I have been busily working with Harrison's Little Wings Inc, which is Harrisons charity set up in his memory. I am so passionate about so many things. I want to continue educating midwives on baby loss and how they can make such a huge impact on a family. We have been and are starting to put in place our practical support program for families who have been given a cogenital abnormality in pregnancy or high risk pregnancy. I love this program, and I think this will touch so many lives. I am also passionate about having a bereavement midwife in every maternity hospital within Australia. I think every family deserves to be treated with gentleness, respect and get a quality of care that is so very specific to a family suffering baby loss. I think that this midwife should have specific training on how to handle these situations. So this is the legacy my sweet little Angel has left behind.</div><div><br /></div><div>Some people ask me how do I do it. Firstly I don't think I am any different to any other mum who has lost their baby. I do think I have finally found something that I am extremely passionate about, and I am driven by an inner force and fire that I have never really had before for anything else. But I also come from a place where even though what happened with Harrison was So very traumatic, and so very sad for me, I don't want to remember him with sadness, I want to remember him as such a special gift given to me. A blessing. So this is why Harrison's charity exist. </div><div><br /></div><div>I do still have bad days, 18 months in and there are still days that are just so hard, and I still cry and miss him so very much. I only just recently had a situation where someone made a comment about one of Harrison's photos and it devastated me. It was like someone tearing a bandaid off a sore when the bandaid had stuck to the sore, and when they ripped it off, they ripped all the skin off as well. You think you have walked a long way on this grief journey but it takes one insensitive comment to take you right back to that raw grief.</div><div><br /></div><div>I hadn't had much time to go through Harrison's photos lately, but I was doing some scrapbooking and wanted to do a page of him, so I went through them, and those photos mean so very much and it isn't easy, every time I look through them, they make me cry. That is all I have of him. It just seems a little unfair, for someone I loved so very much to have so little to show for that love. </div><div><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><b>I miss you baby boy. I still think of you every day. My heart bubbles over with so much love for you. Love Mummy. xxxxx</b></div>Melhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00926961799698215662noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3070346040979428232.post-55118262073897553122012-02-08T13:40:00.002+10:002012-02-08T14:14:53.196+10:00It has been so long since I wrote.<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEigNlEHpKeTG6i1Yz373M_twSj21GCSOfASd7GN3H8qjwDiu8-qg-FgQ6i0jHH1ZO9L8K8KmBFklX0N9e-sCFSlGOdHFe2MigwV0s5FIAoUUjOMeBWc_FjNIb8jhJQr4v9g6-_YrTG1X2t9/s1600/Harrison1.jpg" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 214px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEigNlEHpKeTG6i1Yz373M_twSj21GCSOfASd7GN3H8qjwDiu8-qg-FgQ6i0jHH1ZO9L8K8KmBFklX0N9e-sCFSlGOdHFe2MigwV0s5FIAoUUjOMeBWc_FjNIb8jhJQr4v9g6-_YrTG1X2t9/s320/Harrison1.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5706605551574324578" /></a>It has been so long since I have written, I have been so busy with honouring Harrison's memory with his not for profit organisation, that I haven't had much spare time. I can't believe it is coming up to 18 months since Harrison was born, and Harrison died. Though that pain feels like yesterday. That acute intense pain, just the thought brings tears to my eyes. <div><br /></div><div>This last 2 years have been such a massive journey for me, in so many facets of my life. My family life, my friendships, and my marriage. It hasn't been the easiest of roads, the fog has started to clear though after 2 years of pure struggle to get up and soldier on in life. </div><div><br /></div><div>People don't understand how when you lose a baby there is a bit of you that is never truly happy. There is always this moment when you are out that you find your mind wondering off to that little boy that is meant to be with us. You never really feel that 'free joy' any more.</div><div><br /></div><div>My marriage has taken a massive beating over the last 12 months, I think women and men grieve so differently and sometimes it is hard to understand how to re-connect, and whether at all you can re-connect. Losing a baby puts a massive hole in your being that there is no bridge big enough to build over it. </div><div><br /></div><div>I have noticed that friendships have come and gone. More gone then have came. It is only recently that I have had that clarity of waking up and taking a good look around me in my friendships and I have had to question alot. There were people that in the moment they were there, but the aftermath afterwards they brushed there hands, whether that is because people can't handle the intensity of the emotion. Maybe they got to tired of me 'not being the fun me' Maybe the pain inside me was to intense, and yes I know I haven't been the most perfect friend to some of my friends, no I haven't picked up the damn phone to call you but they don't seem to understand that they could pick up the phone to. Why should I have to worry about picking up a phone. </div><div><br /></div><div>Sometimes you just get tired of being 'strong' you get so tired of people seeing that you are doing something positive so that means your ok. You get tired of feeling like you have to fix things all the time. I have 3 children that I have here in this world with me, and Rodney being away so much for work, I am pretty much a single mum and sometimes it would be nice to feel as though I don't have to make the effort in a friendship. </div><div><br /></div><div>I miss Harrison so very much. He is on my mind every day. I look at children that would be his age and think I should have that. Also comes with that I wonder if I could have been strong enough to look after him if he was sick. I watch a mum with her daughter who has so much courage and she is so inspiring but I read her updates on facebook and I wonder if I could have done such an amazing job like she does. She is amazing.</div><div><br /></div><div>I also have to say thankyou to an amazing friend Leanne, who gosh girl you are amazing, and thanks for taking me out and we had such a awesome time, but thank you for listening and not trying to sugar coat anything but also thank you for letting me make my own decisions and be supportive. Thank you so very much. And thank you for helping me honour Harrison. I believe he has brought us together and I am sure he is smiling down on us so very proud.</div><div><br /></div><div>I have sat back over the last 18 months and watched friendships come and go, mostly go. </div>Melhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00926961799698215662noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3070346040979428232.post-56414309157106865602011-07-20T08:47:00.003+10:002011-07-20T09:12:31.355+10:00Coming up to your first birthday<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhzBAWjfQuemhkPpSvoyzXiI6RdU6eSze6xcfak32XS8VhH1BNVTvhNr-GGRZV9H6DUIhdDRIut_2VHEnQZJLK3WIHfGH4mEgHIfq1iM26P74pq-QKBAbsRS-Xz0ljUhMYo5TSXviusQifS/s1600/Harrison1.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 228px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5631199092155744658" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhzBAWjfQuemhkPpSvoyzXiI6RdU6eSze6xcfak32XS8VhH1BNVTvhNr-GGRZV9H6DUIhdDRIut_2VHEnQZJLK3WIHfGH4mEgHIfq1iM26P74pq-QKBAbsRS-Xz0ljUhMYo5TSXviusQifS/s320/Harrison1.jpg" /></a> It isn't far away from your first birthday, only 8 weeks away, I have considered myself to have coped so far, I have had my sad moments there has been alot, but overall I think I have survived this tragedy ok. But Harrison's first birthday just seems to make me sob. The thought of trying to make a cake, everytime I think about it I cry. I don't know how I am going to go through this.<br />How do you celebrate a first birthday without your baby. How do you celebrate when the following day was the most tragic day. I am hit with 2 days in a row, one of Joy that my son was born, then the other day is so very sad, the day when my son died. It's so conflicting. How do you celebrate when he isn't here with me. I love him so much, he should be here to celebrate.<br />I should be able to make a cake that reflects his little personality, the things he likes, so when I go through the cake book, I have only 28 hours of his little life to go on. 28 hours is more then some people get, and I am grateful for those 28 hours, but then it isn't alot to go on for a cake. He was such a fighter, but how do you translate that into a cake. I feel so ripped off. I should have my son with me, I should have him to pick up and cuddle and wish him happy birthday. I want to make it so very specail for my boys, but i am trying to figure out how I am going to get through this without being a mess.<br />This is so very hard for me. I miss him so very much. I have lost my innocence of life and how things bad don't happen to me. I have lost my son to a horrible condition. I will never get him back. I will never get to hold him and kiss him, I never got to hear him cry, I never got to see his little eyes open.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><div align="center"><strong>Harrison I love you so very much. I think of you every day. I wonder if in Heaven they celebrate birthdays? Do you have a party for being in heaven for 1 whole year? It's kind of ironically that the hardest day of my life, may be a celebration in heaven. I hope you like the cake I am hoping to make for you. I will try and not cry to much why I make it, but I can't make any promises. Loving you and missing you. Love Mummy<br /></div><br /><p></strong></p><br /><p><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjz4HI_ppE2DfwXOnhDuMUrsQ0HbYP9GvF-PlqOrRjppRbQGfegCULmTqnbxSm7hL_Sjzh6gXGEpP4glvqPORUrCCO59QQ-vo0aPBH_E5iQDpwL8cp5ZhxrfMWx-3PLsu_jrURlDabhhrc_/s1600/kiss.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 229px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5631198953157156370" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjz4HI_ppE2DfwXOnhDuMUrsQ0HbYP9GvF-PlqOrRjppRbQGfegCULmTqnbxSm7hL_Sjzh6gXGEpP4glvqPORUrCCO59QQ-vo0aPBH_E5iQDpwL8cp5ZhxrfMWx-3PLsu_jrURlDabhhrc_/s320/kiss.jpg" /></a></p>Melhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00926961799698215662noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3070346040979428232.post-87077511300270494302011-07-06T21:15:00.002+10:002011-07-06T21:38:59.691+10:00How I miss you so...<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgTS4pZpktvEEDMgUkq7YU9WBaiP3DelA-lsbuB-RqpCcm8Y0Fkl8qBwQ07nUgPbvwnXid36DTekhGbs9wAx1f54zC49072-M-rwXvacCqdMOLGHynWxnofi2GriijBmiA5msTh-jumbYOk/s1600/kiss.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 229px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5626196862237955106" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgTS4pZpktvEEDMgUkq7YU9WBaiP3DelA-lsbuB-RqpCcm8Y0Fkl8qBwQ07nUgPbvwnXid36DTekhGbs9wAx1f54zC49072-M-rwXvacCqdMOLGHynWxnofi2GriijBmiA5msTh-jumbYOk/s320/kiss.jpg" /></a> It is coming up to nearly 10 months since Harrison came into our lives, and then so quickly left. These 10 months have been the saddest, and the most inspiring 10 months. Such conflicting emotions.<br />Coming up to the year mark makes me so very sad. I have had a few angel mums, that have come up to their angelversaries, and I see how hard it was for them. In life we celebrate the birth of our babies, but some births bring such sadness, how do you honour that baby.<br />For Harrisons first birthday is a 2 day event, such a sweet day of his birth, where I got to meet my son, my little fighter, but then met the next day with such devastation, such sadness.<br />I have met a mum recently who is pregnant with a T18 baby. She has been told her baby is not compatible with life, and so she now so bravely prepares herself for what may come. She is just so much braver then I was when I was pregnant. I hang onto that 30% with all my heart, I just wanted him to prove the doctors wrong. I wanted to get onto 60 minutes, or a show like that and tell the world what a little miracle baby I had, that proved all the doctors wrong. Some times I think maybe reality was to hard to face for me. The thought of my baby dying would take a massive emotional toll that I couldn't bear.<br />I know now that nothing could ever prepare you to lose a baby. Nobody could ever tell you how hard, and how sad that reality is. I can't even explain that void that forever sits inside my heart. Your life is always shadowed by that sadness of having your baby not with you. There are moments that you are happy, but then that thought of my son who isn't here to share that moment comes back, and then that moment has a sadness to it.<br />Harrisons room isn't set up as a baby room, we never did that, we had all the stuff in their but we didn't put the room together, if Harrison had done well, we knew he would have been in hospital for a while so I thought I would do it then. But even now I still refer to it as Harrisons room, I think that will always be his room. Sometimes I go in there to vacuum, and it still has that new house smell in his room. But for me it is like walking back 11 months ago when we moved into our newly built house. It takes me back standing in that room wondering what was going to happen, it is almost like a movie playing in my head. Then you are bought back to life and how it is. It is without hope of Harrison with us.<br />I still am not sure of what we will be doing for Harrisons first birthday/angelversary. i want to make it really special, but how do you make something special when it is also so sad.<br /><br /><br /><div align="center"><strong>Harrison Mummy misses you so very much. I hope you are having lots of fun, I am sure you have made lots of friends, you had such a sweet little personality. I hope you found my Nanna, your great grandmother. I hope she has you in her arms and rocking you, and telling you about all the times your mummy stayed at her place. I love you so very much. Sending you loads of love, and kisses and the biggest of hugs. Love Mummy</strong></div>Melhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00926961799698215662noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3070346040979428232.post-48850334887084234072011-06-23T07:55:00.002+10:002011-06-23T08:14:38.784+10:00What an Honour<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiu6EGmd8oaI-k37-yAyxzYynqi6o5lFbPjqPxb0_wQuriQrelwSN91KOx_-jNvw9pgjJungezyPGjot1VgWGs1kvGL-Lrw75tNJjBZ8o9qJ-XAh_bq74ufygd3zEsLuD8bUJu1Czp-x5ra/s1600/Feet.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 228px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5621166468716926498" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiu6EGmd8oaI-k37-yAyxzYynqi6o5lFbPjqPxb0_wQuriQrelwSN91KOx_-jNvw9pgjJungezyPGjot1VgWGs1kvGL-Lrw75tNJjBZ8o9qJ-XAh_bq74ufygd3zEsLuD8bUJu1Czp-x5ra/s320/Feet.jpg" /></a> I was asked by Sands state co-ordinator to come to a educational seminar for midwives on bereavement. I was asked to come and tell Harrisons story and our journey dealing with the health system, and pivot things that were said to us, good and bad, about our experience, to better help midwives to deal with families that lose a baby.<br />I also then was asked to do a presentation for Heartfelt, as they couldn't make it, so I busied myself with powerpoint. My 12 year son has been such a great teacher, and gee I think I have almost mastered powerpoint, just working on the whole music embedding.<br />It was just such an amazing night. The midwives that were there were all just so lovely, and just so welcoming.<br />It is funny how life works though, I drive into the Logan hospital carpark and I am thinking am I in the right place, I wasn't sure, so I thought I will go down the road a bit, I pulled out of the hospital carpark and drove down the road a bit and my phone starts to work, it was my friend Anne who is a midwife. She asked me what are you doing, I go into a fluster, and I said what are you doing, believe it or not, she is there for the seminar and had seen my car. I was so grateful that she had seen me, so we walked in together. How bizzare, it was so nice to have her there.<br />I am so passionate about telling Harrisons story, and helping midwives help parents. I just think that Griffith University and the hospital are starting to see that bereavement care is just so important. I am just so excited that there is this movement to help parents through such a horrific and tragic time. I am truely inspired by it, and I love that I am a part of it. I am so looking forward to being involved more with this special movement.<br />I was so honoured to be asked to talk on Hearfelt, I just hope that I did them justice in what I said. I know I didn't give the informative side of there organisation, but I gave the side of a parent who received such an amazing gift.<br />I feel Harrisons life has not only made such a massive difference not only in our lives but he has made a difference to this world, Harrison inspires me, he only lived here for 28 hours, but has made such an impact, he made such a difference, he inspires me at 34 years of age to make more of a difference with my life. I see Harrison as such a blessing, God gave me such a precious gift.<br /><br /><br /><div align="center"><strong>Harrison, I hope you are proud. You have inspired me to be a better person. I am tuely blessed to have been a mummy to you. You are forever in my thoughts, and I love you every day.</strong></div>Melhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00926961799698215662noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3070346040979428232.post-15183287023978613362011-06-19T17:34:00.002+10:002011-06-19T18:19:10.045+10:00This journey of grief<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjHhv-nrFz3LhPA-6BJjLzzDmu5c_6YrCBbfI1j9W2bzrI3Vtq5mxJm0I2Kkih9eNGAITU2GdIYZ5ITRLR1GnB0ltL6O-RiBeuW7K6ixe9IpZNmely1bZzATn3DJ7EEeimTf9b7eiwAaih5/s1600/67126_472311554297_513309297_5446659_3681393_n%255B1%255D.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 103px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5619831310081775314" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjHhv-nrFz3LhPA-6BJjLzzDmu5c_6YrCBbfI1j9W2bzrI3Vtq5mxJm0I2Kkih9eNGAITU2GdIYZ5ITRLR1GnB0ltL6O-RiBeuW7K6ixe9IpZNmely1bZzATn3DJ7EEeimTf9b7eiwAaih5/s320/67126_472311554297_513309297_5446659_3681393_n%255B1%255D.jpg" /></a><br /><br /><div>I thought I was doing ok with this journey of grief, I made up Harrisons Little Wings Inc to help me grief. I love his charity as I can talk about him everyday and no one thinks it is strange. I sit for days, for hours making up special albums for other families, because this just makes me feel better, knowing I can hold the hand of another family in my craft that I love so much. I just didn't start Harrison's charity for the glory, I started his charity, because after losing Harrison I had this overwhelming need to help families. I thought about what I was good at, and what I loved, and the only thing I could come up with was scrapping. So there my vision for Harrisons charity grew. I never realised in this charity world could be so cut throat, I never realised that if you were onto a good thing someone would want to come and take your ideas. I just want to do a special thing for families that have lost a baby. My albums aren't just a few pages, they are filled with 20 layouts. 20 layouts of love. So much time and love has been put into them. </div><br /><div></div><br /><div>I have been sent some emails (not sure how they got my email address) with this company called 'Cherubs' they are the support group of the condition Harrison died of. Cogenital Diagphragmatic Hernia (CDH) I haven't signed up with them as I found that really hard seeing photos of survivors of the condition, because I look at those photos and it makes me sad, it makes me want that for Harrison. That is what I thougth my journey was going to be like. But never the less, they got my email address as they are in the running for a massive donation from a company and are relying on votes from the public. So I have been getting on every day, as I do want research done on CDH so that it doesn't claim the life of another baby. The medical industry do not do alot of research on this condition as they don't consider it to be a massive 'killer'. Where Harrison was born in the Mater they get about 10 babies a year born there with Harrison's condition out of 50 000 babies born. So this money to be given is just a huge amount to go to research. They send emails out every day to remind you to vote, and today was about a little baby who was fighting for his life, he had numerous operations, but he survived and was home with his family. It makes it really hard reading stories like this. This was what I thought my journey was going to be with Harrison.</div><br /><div></div><br /><div>I have met some really lovely people lately. One family has a similar story to mine, there little boy lived longer then Harrison, but our pregnancies were very similar. It has been so nice talking to her, and relating to her journey. </div><br /><div>I have also met another family that is just at the beginning of there journey, they have just found out there little boy is sick. It breaks my heart to hear their story and the long hard road that is ahead of them. </div><br /><div></div><br /><div>You kind of think you are going ok with this road of grief but then you hit a speed hump, and there seems to be alot of them on this road. That speed hump for me is those emails. I am torn because I so desperatly want them to do more research so another family do not have to go through what we went through, but I don't want to hear survival stories. My son didn't survive. A part of me thinks that is more the reason for your research. That may be selfish, but I am going to have my selfish moment. It is babies like him that I won't research done so they don't die. those families have their baby, they get to see them smile they get to hear their baby cry, they get to see their baby with their eyes open. I was robbed of hearing Harrison cry, I was robbed of seeing his little eyes open due to this cruel horrible condition. I had to see my son fight for his life, and watch him lose that battle, that is why they need that money.</div><br /><div></div><br /><div>Oh God, I miss him so much, there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of him. Life gets busy, and yes life goes on, but there are always those quiet moments in the day when you are driving or when you are laying in bed trying to fall asleep and it is those moments that are filled with thoughts of Harrison. </div><br /><div></div><br /><div align="center"><strong>Harrison my sweet little boy, there is this gapping hole, and sometimes you think that gap is being filled and it takes one little thing to rip it apart, and that void of missing you, and the love that I feel for you, I can't begin to be expressed. I can hug your brothers and tell them that I love them. I can bake cakes with them, I can kick a ball around with them, but how do I express my love for you??? How do I get to tell you that I love you?? I pray that God up there whispers that in your ear. Mummy loves you and misses you. Love Mummy</strong></div>Melhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00926961799698215662noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3070346040979428232.post-46565433581717377682011-06-07T07:29:00.002+10:002011-06-07T07:47:46.063+10:00I feel for all those mums<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhdTDZLtfk4PWkguH3ZOFhLWZAlnFopyzq4oh9eMIHGW1f3oo6tfZnv7mSKYZ7ah2wpm9Z2Hv4vgYZLm-k69o8RF7n7jhpYDjy7eBg-8nZ8BHTHAzcFyn23NKE5BCQ3YkSUyFMmJB1IDpZc/s1600/Getting+ready.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 214px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5615222661958727810" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhdTDZLtfk4PWkguH3ZOFhLWZAlnFopyzq4oh9eMIHGW1f3oo6tfZnv7mSKYZ7ah2wpm9Z2Hv4vgYZLm-k69o8RF7n7jhpYDjy7eBg-8nZ8BHTHAzcFyn23NKE5BCQ3YkSUyFMmJB1IDpZc/s320/Getting+ready.jpg" /></a> I am having a few really sad days lately, it is like this roller coaster ride, where you seem to live a few days of some sort of normality, and then you a hit with this wave of sadness. At the moment it is the title wave of sadness. Those days that are good, Harrison is never far from my mind and I think of him every day and all the time. Little thoughts of him. Days like today where there is a massive tidal wave of sadness I think of him constantly, I think of those machines that never did what I wanted them to do, I think of the softness of his skin and the silkiness of his hair. My heart goes out to all those mums that have babies in the NICU.<br />When I was pregnant, the Mater hospital had an information night about what to expect when your baby went into the Intensive care unit. They were telling us how the rooms are set up that the rooms closer to the door is where you wanted your baby to be, as they were the less serious cases and that as they got closer to the door meant they were going home. I remember a mum saying to me, geez you just have to hope your baby isn't in one of those rooms. (she was in hospital as she was having twins and there for bed rest) Harrison went to the room furthest away from the doors, and his little bed was at the end of that room. He never left there alive, and that is so devastating to think other mum's are going through that painful and helpless experience of watching their babies in that NICU. There is nothing more helpless for a mother to not be able to do anything for her baby. In Harrison's case we couldn't hold him, untill we knew he wasn't going to make it. You can only touch them. Your natural instinct as a mother is to want to hold your baby and fix it.... I am so sorry Harrison I couldn't kiss it and make it all better for you. I am sorry Mummy couldn't help you. Please know that I love you.<br />I have a few friends who are angel mummies, they are all coming up to their babies first birthday, and my heart goes out to them. We should all have babies nearly toddlers, we should all have little ones crawling and beginning to walk little people, instead we are left with empty arms. So to my friends, Teagan, wishing Miller a happy birthday and sending you guys lots of hugs. Sarah, wishing Dominic a happy birthday. I am thinking of you.<br /><br /><strong>Harrison it is nearly 9 months since you were here, you are never far out of my mind, I love you so dearly. I love you little man. xxxx<br /></strong>Melhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00926961799698215662noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3070346040979428232.post-65293280181841280812011-06-02T12:46:00.004+10:002011-06-02T13:09:14.566+10:00Some days are harder then others<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgTG-Yz8Sg_TK8T8zTkRtgXLceHRjBur3QJ0QIfU4J_mRXXitfyrWf1ijjqsXss60_gJb-TyQIapHkZxRUB8KecNyt882LKg0B8gIIxfrI4JRJAd-Dhy2nZTiJexEm588Cm9elhGymRQk1a/s1600/angel+ornaments3.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 240px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5613448628883207106" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgTG-Yz8Sg_TK8T8zTkRtgXLceHRjBur3QJ0QIfU4J_mRXXitfyrWf1ijjqsXss60_gJb-TyQIapHkZxRUB8KecNyt882LKg0B8gIIxfrI4JRJAd-Dhy2nZTiJexEm588Cm9elhGymRQk1a/s320/angel+ornaments3.jpg" /></a> Today is one of those days, sometimes there is the littlest thing that sets you off and puts in you in a spiral of sadness. I miss Harrison so very much. It's been 8 and half months since I met my son, and lost my son. Those eight and half months have been the hardest months of my life. I have never believed in bad luck, but I am starting to wonder. You just start to want something great to happen to you, and sometimes that just doesn't seem to happen.<br />I had a lady come up to me, and I had just spoken about Harrison's charity and explained what I do with it. She came up and told me that I was bought up differently to what she was. Basically the conversation was how she didn't agree with what I was doing she didn't agree with. That was really hard, I understand that people deal with things differently, but there is such a stigma on losing a baby, most people have this attitude of it happens get over it, and you shouldn't talk about it. Well what is the difference to if a mother dies, no one tells those that knew that mother that they don't talk about her and she is gone that is it. People expect us mothers to not talk about our child. Most people in there life time will not hold someone in there arms while they die or will have to go through the tramatic experience of losing a child. If you are reading this, and you know someone who has lost a child, just listen, ask how that person is really doing? Make it ok for them to be sad about there baby, and just let them know you are there.<br /><br /><br /><br /><div align="center"><strong>I miss you Harrison, time certainly doesn't heal this broken heart. You are so loved, and so missed. xxx<br /></strong></div>Melhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00926961799698215662noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3070346040979428232.post-42434210985630403542011-05-10T11:17:00.002+10:002011-05-10T11:31:18.222+10:00Mothers Day<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjgx9O5e6LYjzRqwuoQlAuw_cYKF1ptFKx00yvmk9B4BRLI2H70j5lfgNcPSka8R1Fw7D4xjEVbrdmQH35EJUmpaUN08QWQSXsOOAzIXspjAmmvAYErEMSRhG2-hB01Zv4Ge3xp69nR4dY9/s1600/harrison.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 214px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 320px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5604891489464432226" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjgx9O5e6LYjzRqwuoQlAuw_cYKF1ptFKx00yvmk9B4BRLI2H70j5lfgNcPSka8R1Fw7D4xjEVbrdmQH35EJUmpaUN08QWQSXsOOAzIXspjAmmvAYErEMSRhG2-hB01Zv4Ge3xp69nR4dY9/s320/harrison.jpg" /></a> Mothers Day was on the weekend, I was so emotional leading up to it, and I have been extremely emotional since. It was so hard, my husband was so lovely though he tried so hard to wait on me the whole day, he cooked up a storm in the kitchen, and made a massive mess, which kept my stress levels high. I missed Harrison so very much. I thought that I should have a nearly 8 month old snuggled in bed with me, waking me up early. My 8 year old was so excited, and I must admit, that made the day a little easier with his excitement it was hard to let my sadness for Harrison be to overwhelming and consuming because of his excitement. '<br />For Harrison's charity we did a photo shoot on Saturday, and our photographer that supports Harrison's Little Wings, she has a little girl with an incurable condition, and she bought her along, She is absolutely beautiful Ruby, I sat with her most the time, looking at her and watching her, she has a oxygen tube, and a feeding tube, and she makes me think of Harrison and how that could have been a possiblity for me, the oxygen tubes, and tanks. Tanya her mother is awesome and she carries on with so much strength, I often wonder would I have handled my 3 older boys and Harrison as well as she does. Harrison was constantly on my mind that day, just wondering, and wishing he was here. Wondering in a way that was cruel, would he have been really sick if he had survived? All the would haves and could be's, when you lose your baby you often wonder what could have been, you try not to but it is something most of us grieving mothers do. It isn't just the loss of your baby, but the loss of so many hopes and dreams that you have for your children.<br /><br /><br /><div align="center"><strong>Harrison, I miss you and love you. I hope you got my cuddles and kisses on Mothers Day. Love Mummy<br /></div></strong><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj0dEoVn9eXiMN_RaT7QoLZg8V9fa3Z8MbnE5nvSkq-ILeSrzEFZPe-wFFFOF4yof3SodDXaiKaZXsrMF0MYKwG8kfhh_R6cvksCnA7OPZoyge9L_8DJbZ6S4RVpn6kQlg22ljfFdj4n_-W/s1600/168820_167815516596425_108184019226242_347243_5798377_n%255B1%255D.jpg"></a>Melhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00926961799698215662noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3070346040979428232.post-75284473718731928452011-05-01T22:00:00.002+10:002011-05-01T22:41:13.452+10:00Life sometimes gobbles you up and spits you back out<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0RjS8QGVUyHNFjlE37qHtF_NroaVFw2BOVG-n77x4zL8-thuGRkR6KVHRbSDjjNl3lMDvh2IxWuwjjjJ-N7DsX1hiTYEJVJ2ySHFUMQrxKNJ31nBYMXKak36qZoEM82NHGJUdtkx3DDkS/s1600/Harrison+6.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 214px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5601716608258194226" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0RjS8QGVUyHNFjlE37qHtF_NroaVFw2BOVG-n77x4zL8-thuGRkR6KVHRbSDjjNl3lMDvh2IxWuwjjjJ-N7DsX1hiTYEJVJ2ySHFUMQrxKNJ31nBYMXKak36qZoEM82NHGJUdtkx3DDkS/s320/Harrison+6.jpg" /></a> OMG...... Life sometimes is just to hard. Rodney's (My husband) Nan died last thursday night. When he recieved the phone call, it didn't effect me that much, she lives about a 9 hour drive away and I had only met her on 3 occassions. I was upset for Rodney and was concerned about him. We are leaving in the morning to go to the funeral, so we have a long drive ahead of us. Tonight it hit me I was going to another funeral, it broke me, I can't go to another funeral, I can't deal with that. Harrison's funeral was the last one I went to, I don't think I can get through another one. I sat on my bed, and on my bedside table are photos of Harrison that the hospital took for us, and my sweet little baby boy, all those overwhelming emotions flooded back, those feelings of loss, those feelings of knowing life will never be the same again. Sometimes life just doesn't seem fair, and I feel like it has gobbled me up and spat me out. How many times can you pick your self up.<br />I have been looking for work since Christmas, after everything that I have been through the last year has changed my life forever, I have been told that my unborn baby has a 50% chance of living then it went to 30% chance, while going through the process of building a house. Then to be asked whether once our baby is born do we want to let him go or should the doctors do everything they can. To wondering if my baby boy was going to get to his birth, to then watching my son die, and for him to die in my arms. How much worse can life get. There is not many more horrific things a person can go through. Then you walk into these job interviews and they ask you the stupidist questions. They ask you to answer to this 'Star' answering , or what don't you think you could handle with this job (just a simple receptionist/admin job) I feel like screaming at them all and saying if I can watch my son die, and hold him why he is dying I can handle your receptionist job answering telephones, and filing. Compared to the last 12 months of life your job is a walk in the park for me. Your 'star' answering isn't important. Ask me a real question, and get a real answer. Answering telephones and selling insurance isn't that hard. I have had to force myself up everyday, having 3 boys who I love dearly, and being pregnant wondering if my son is going to live or die. Then having to survive the aftermath of losing him. My life is like a nuclear bomb has gone off, and now seven and a half months later it is deserted of anything of what use to be. I was asked at a different job interview, "If I was to ask your friends what they would say about you, what would they say?" I sat there not knowing what to say. What ran through my mind was that I don't think I have been a great friend over the last 12 months of my life. I just thought to myself I am just trying to keep myself together for my boys, and I haven't been such a great friend at all. I think I didn't answer that very well, well I didn't get the job so I mustn't have. I find it so hard these days to try and say how wonderful I am and think about the 'right' answer. I wonder what a prospective employer would say if I had a slight melt down and spewed out what I really did think.......Probably would think I should be taken to the pshycatric ward immediately and we aren't hiring her.<br />I feel sometimes to my friends I am an outsider looking into their lives. Some are moving on to different chapters of their lives, it is almost like you feel as though you are standing in a long corridor and they are moving down that corridor and you are stuck behind a glass door at the very beginning and those doors won't open. You feel as though you can see them getting on with their lives and you are watching it but you really can't participate in it as you are stuck behind the doors.<br />I have never been one to really be bothered by things, I guess I would say that I am a pretty strong person when it comes to life. But this year I think has finally unravelled that strength. I have always been a person to never let my feelings stop me from doing things untill now. This year is the first year that their are certain things I just can't do. Since losing Harrison I find some things just to hard to do. I miss him so very much. I just don't understand why??<br /><br /><br /><div align="center"><strong>Harrison my sweet Harrison, my memories of you are just the most precious and dearest memories. I miss you, and love you. Love Mummy</strong></div>Melhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00926961799698215662noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3070346040979428232.post-31548286205899117422011-04-28T13:04:00.003+10:002011-04-28T13:35:57.432+10:00Easter with out you<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_5o2Dzp4xVpUgCiMU7V-GzTsdv4xq4oKE2x8VSEto60ZheY5x0SIfsa1ap0gP_bk3KJlrsvkCQbARd6-qfxeQffCAfDlPlVMG2iGUgn4XzoNGJDc2l2lzkK9BdVZqpZHE3BotW2NbOG0s/s1600/kiss.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 229px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5600465325842159618" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_5o2Dzp4xVpUgCiMU7V-GzTsdv4xq4oKE2x8VSEto60ZheY5x0SIfsa1ap0gP_bk3KJlrsvkCQbARd6-qfxeQffCAfDlPlVMG2iGUgn4XzoNGJDc2l2lzkK9BdVZqpZHE3BotW2NbOG0s/s320/kiss.jpg" /></a> Well Easter has just finished and I found it really hard. I try so hard to have fun on these 'family' days but a part of my heart aches, as my baby isn't with us to help us celebrate. There is such a hole left from losing Harrison.<br />As time goes by the pain doesn't lessen, sometimes you think of all the things that could be, all the things that you wish you did do. You often wonder why did this happen. I wonder if my sweet little boy suffered, and most of all, did my son know I loved him?<br />I wonder how they celebrate Easter in Heaven? I just wish some of my questions were answered. I feel like tht you are left sitting here wondering. Wondering about my son, it makes you question life after death. I believe in heaven, I believe in God, but I wold just like to know how my son is doing. On earth he would be smiling, and maybe crawling, and starting to say Mummy and Daddy. I never got to hear his cry, I never got to say all the things I wanted to say. If only I had the time over again, I would say so much more.<br /><br /><strong>Harrison I miss you so very much. I hope you had a great Easter, I hope the Easter Bunny bought you a basket full of love and kisses from me. Love Mummy</strong><br /><br /><br /><br /><div></div>Melhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00926961799698215662noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3070346040979428232.post-22076435645374750922011-04-14T07:38:00.004+10:002011-04-14T08:00:13.095+10:00Today Jordy turns 8<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjRLvP0Jtr3oom_dts7Rs9FFCfT9if-wLpk8J_V5Xn7mHZ1cJ9s19uki7cMhF-JPdTHWIgZLWQgludbAuuu-36FDPCONUCf5DYu3wUV48-IHIoh4weCCDdJWuHeJ1YL4gRN53UhB8txD9I7/s1600/Harrison2.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 229px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjRLvP0Jtr3oom_dts7Rs9FFCfT9if-wLpk8J_V5Xn7mHZ1cJ9s19uki7cMhF-JPdTHWIgZLWQgludbAuuu-36FDPCONUCf5DYu3wUV48-IHIoh4weCCDdJWuHeJ1YL4gRN53UhB8txD9I7/s320/Harrison2.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5595186045735819202" /></a><br /><br />Today my second son Jordan turns 8 years old. These family celebration days are always the hardest for me. I try so hard to make sure Harrison is included in today. I got Jordy a present from him, I always try and make it something really awesome so that it is extra special. We should have a 7 month old baby who is crawling around chasing after wrapping paper, and wanting to eat that wrapping paper. But instead it is that broken piece of my heart that is shattered that sits in my chest, that on such a happy exciting day, I shed tears. I try and not let the boys see me sad on these days, I try and hide that I want them to be happy and excited and have that niavety on these days. They have been through so much themselves with Harrison dying. They have had to experience the death of their brother at such an early age. No family should have to bear the burden of losing a child. <br /><br />Today Harrison would have turned 7 month old. That makes it hard on this day as well. We wanted Harrison to be born on the 14th as all our boys have been born on a day that has a 4 in it. Donovan was born on the 24th, Jordy the 14th Cody the 4th and Harrison the 14th.<br /><br /><strong>Harrison I miss you so very much. You would be 7 months today on your brothers birthday. I often wonder what you would be doing and what your personality would have been like. I think you would have been determined, you proved that in your brief 28 hours. Your room is still called your room. I can't bear to not. I miss you and love you so very much. </strong>Melhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00926961799698215662noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3070346040979428232.post-15168327395326639642011-04-11T12:10:00.002+10:002011-04-11T12:24:54.601+10:00You will be missed<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgz_59gkqYBvLmYjS9NQ8qanbmHLCUbYkrR2pGcZioE-KyItgKxQ30t5WNiy2wHOFBu-QQVy19UyfV_Jk9t-HZjrUQ8W4jXBZAvtheOYq1iw2qMnBpgQCJa0BkA6u3BTURSPPP9cnK9rr8x/s1600/us1.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 213px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgz_59gkqYBvLmYjS9NQ8qanbmHLCUbYkrR2pGcZioE-KyItgKxQ30t5WNiy2wHOFBu-QQVy19UyfV_Jk9t-HZjrUQ8W4jXBZAvtheOYq1iw2qMnBpgQCJa0BkA6u3BTURSPPP9cnK9rr8x/s320/us1.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5594143141820628098" /></a><br /><br />It is Jordy's 8th birthday fast approaching, and it is also Easter. Once again it is the hardest time for me on these events. It is the time that it is so evident that we are a family member short. I use to have a real love for the festive celebrations, like Christmas, Easter. Now they come with me being saddened by it. I still make a big deal for the boys, and they have fun, but it just reminds me of how we have a little boy missing.<br />As a family we are going through some transitional times and I am finding it really hard, and I feel a little lost, then it makes dealing with my grief so much harder. I am just feeling life is so hard at the moment, and you often think after all I have been through, can't I just get a break. Every time I turn around it just seems another thing. <br />I worry so much about my other boys dealing with the loss of their brother. I am trying so hard to create memories so they will be ok, and remember him. <br />It is so hard, as a mother you are suppose to hold it together all the time. I don't feel like I am such a great job at that at the moment. It is like I am treading water. <br />I miss you Harrison so very much. I was out today at a friends and there was lots of little ones, toddlers around. I just kept thinking I ahould have a baby who would be nearly 7 months. He should be rolling and crawling around. I wonder what he would be doing? I wonder if he would have been a sleeper? I just wish that I had the opportunity to get to know him more, at least to have some memories.<br /><br /><strong>Harrison my sweet little boy, I love you so very much. You are missed every moment of every day. I love </strong><strong>you</strong>Melhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00926961799698215662noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3070346040979428232.post-10111829469394984832011-03-31T19:09:00.002+10:002011-03-31T19:24:18.103+10:00They say time heals<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_pagseeZez2FXo74o9nqnBvr9XpXBn_BzQ1L-npVDVxGLKFD8sl4OZvv5l-meFudSZ6BgonjSqUSNfPC6Wq8igfSrbQNp4c7_lUlfpCKqv6Q2R3e-ZMulhn53GJxjknxyHyb_rNM06Sod/s1600/You.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 270px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_pagseeZez2FXo74o9nqnBvr9XpXBn_BzQ1L-npVDVxGLKFD8sl4OZvv5l-meFudSZ6BgonjSqUSNfPC6Wq8igfSrbQNp4c7_lUlfpCKqv6Q2R3e-ZMulhn53GJxjknxyHyb_rNM06Sod/s320/You.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5590169110640475714" /></a><br /><br />Every one knows the saying, 'Time heals' well I don't think it does when you lose a child, time passes and the sadness remains. I think I am trying to find a new normal, life will never be care free and that simple happiness. When you are a griefing parent your life is layers, layers of sadness, it just depends on what layer has been unfolded will depend on how you react.<br />The other frequent comment is 'you are doing so well' They really have no idea. I have my typical answer 'I am doing ok' but really you feel like you are falling apart. I am so shattered about Harrison. He was such a little fighter, to make it as long as he did, he had such determination. I just hope and pray that he knew his mummy loved him so very much. <br />I think in life there is just some experiences that time will never heal. I think you become scarred, I guess a part of me just wants to hide away and stay in bed, another part of me wants the world to know my sweet little boy was just so perfect. I want the world to know that the pain us mothers feels is the most heart wrenching, the deepest, darkest and so very sad world us angel parents live in. <br /><br /><strong>Harrison, I love you, I miss you so very much. there was a beautiful breeze today, I know that on that breeze you sent loads of love and kisses to me. I wish I could touch your beautiful soft skin, your hair that was like silk. If only I could have one more moment. Just one more minute, in that minute I would tell you how much love I have for you. How as much I am so sad that you aren;t here, I would never wish you had never came. I would wish you could have stayed with me. Loving you every moment of every day. Love Mummy</strong>Melhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00926961799698215662noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3070346040979428232.post-79697913777173305882011-03-27T08:34:00.003+10:002011-03-27T08:57:48.243+10:00what would your life been like<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiwXE_MbWe-S35ivTX0pR8Gu35ZL6sPZJip8IVa7t12MfWHOggtTYsvR5qgsWe3jtgF4qpv0ss9XJ91DZdQA-MHTtxzCVeUw8MWIcvYTKjNP7XpjLgACPR8PRwnycAwGnSh94irtncQpLEQ/s1600/Margaret%2526Dudley.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 229px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiwXE_MbWe-S35ivTX0pR8Gu35ZL6sPZJip8IVa7t12MfWHOggtTYsvR5qgsWe3jtgF4qpv0ss9XJ91DZdQA-MHTtxzCVeUw8MWIcvYTKjNP7XpjLgACPR8PRwnycAwGnSh94irtncQpLEQ/s320/Margaret%2526Dudley.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5588522807302449474" /></a><br />I went to the Cystic Fibrosis Ball last night. We were invited through some of Rodney's work contacts who bought a table for the ball. A girl got up and spoke about suffering with Cystic Fibrosis. I never really knew what Cystic Fibrosis was all about, I had heard of it before but I didn't know that it affects many of the body's systems, including the lungs and digestion. The girl that spoke had alot of problems with her lungs, and suffered severe scar tissue to her lungs because of the problems she does have. This made me think of Harrison. My sweet little boy who's lungs were so affected by Diaphragmatic Hernia. It made me think what would have his life been like if he did survive. I wondered if he would have struggled like her every day. But she has a life, even though it is riddled with appointments. Her parents have been able to know her personality, they have had to watch her grow. Not that I think she should live with this condition. Rodney got really mad and said 'At least she has a life and you can live.' So many questions swirled through my head. it made me feel sad that Harrison' wasn't here. People don't understand that the slightest thing makes you think, it can transport you to the darkest moment of your life, and can almost paralyze you with sadness. The person we went with knew we lost a baby, being a guy he asked me about it (which was actually very unusual as most people don't acknowledge it or don't want to talk about it) but he undid his bravery of asking about Harrison when he said 'well you just have to move on don't you' I sat there thinking that is easy for you to say. His son was there (and not that I would wish this upon anyone) I felt like saying to him, how about you watch your son die and I turn around to you and say 'well you just have to move on' I am sure he had all good intentions when he made that comment. I know that, but it is hard. Harrison is my son. Every fibre of me loves him, and misses him.<br /><strong>Harrison you are in my thoughts every moment of every day. I can't even begin to find the words to tell you how much I love you.If God told me that I had a minute to tell you something. I would want to put the words so affectively, a poem of some sort, but I don't think I am that great with that sort of thing. There would be so much I would want you to know, but I think a minute isn't very long. So I would simply tell you 'I love you, I loved you from the very beginning of your existance</strong>.Melhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00926961799698215662noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3070346040979428232.post-287564143852219682011-03-21T10:54:00.002+10:002011-03-21T11:26:31.764+10:00Harrison's Scrapbooking Crop day<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjfLWVHV4nBlLQGPjdUZR8Fx0qQXXtSHG2hHOD2PPdqIzt6wItXNO_bwpmMwRHBtKcBueXFLUQ3Id9uamQUsrwQQv8-1D84f0R4hmASJPd4M4j5s306vFYdcOLXov-nmYc1WikdVacaMpEG/s1600/IMG_1043.JPG"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 214px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjfLWVHV4nBlLQGPjdUZR8Fx0qQXXtSHG2hHOD2PPdqIzt6wItXNO_bwpmMwRHBtKcBueXFLUQ3Id9uamQUsrwQQv8-1D84f0R4hmASJPd4M4j5s306vFYdcOLXov-nmYc1WikdVacaMpEG/s320/IMG_1043.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5586331693209419570" /></a><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhjhnHQm0B4l7T0z8brL4fSgsRl4gagk-e9Zor6N-12q1FWQRIh70qfLOIB1Yauf2OjmxQamdQLLT-6vI8O1Xjn1c9gxBfBoHyVnIY2C_iK689-np6PxTtFhpXKBJvm9hyphenhyphenPC9Z8p_dtXpvs/s1600/IMG_1050.JPG"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 214px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhjhnHQm0B4l7T0z8brL4fSgsRl4gagk-e9Zor6N-12q1FWQRIh70qfLOIB1Yauf2OjmxQamdQLLT-6vI8O1Xjn1c9gxBfBoHyVnIY2C_iK689-np6PxTtFhpXKBJvm9hyphenhyphenPC9Z8p_dtXpvs/s320/IMG_1050.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5586331678352447842" /></a><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEid09DCeF0e2iBSL2h-rifFcbxBwDVWkraeisL3lfv8QvJyfRbvSgfiXMrMegMdleksHhSsPCHB_XJMVPEFuEhT2Fk8avXn4TIj0TWirYxixIdb2RJV_MWJQwh8bFRKfVBO3xh4KN57gyIk/s1600/IMG_1035.JPG"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 214px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEid09DCeF0e2iBSL2h-rifFcbxBwDVWkraeisL3lfv8QvJyfRbvSgfiXMrMegMdleksHhSsPCHB_XJMVPEFuEhT2Fk8avXn4TIj0TWirYxixIdb2RJV_MWJQwh8bFRKfVBO3xh4KN57gyIk/s320/IMG_1035.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5586331670129139426" /></a><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiHa5-1KF77l-Ho79SpgFABJHHFLwXhRcHego93JAKCtLdJrjiPNiSliYJ6nZyHdq6Hrea3OCaZnKQvgcKWzmG1jo62LfmRjDbvARxCP2qs6FHxdxrKJe-DsjzvCp3YmTiaf2Yo2k3IBIKV/s1600/IMG_1034.JPG"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 214px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiHa5-1KF77l-Ho79SpgFABJHHFLwXhRcHego93JAKCtLdJrjiPNiSliYJ6nZyHdq6Hrea3OCaZnKQvgcKWzmG1jo62LfmRjDbvARxCP2qs6FHxdxrKJe-DsjzvCp3YmTiaf2Yo2k3IBIKV/s320/IMG_1034.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5586331665159730818" /></a><br />On the 12th of March we had a scrabooking crop day for Harrison's charity. It was such an awesome day. We had loads of raffles and the girls scrapbooked some layouts for us,which has been fantastic, we also had a working bee table for those that weren't scrapbookers, they did such a wonderful job cutting things for me and doing so much of that work that takes so much time up. It was just a great day. <br />Days like that give me the strength to go on, I love that his photo was there and it was just a reminder that he is the one that inspired it all.<br /><br />I miss him so very much. I have just got some of the paper work in for Harrison's charity. I am so glad that I can keep his memory alive this way and to help others, I just want to hold there hands through such a tragic day.<br /><br /><strong><strong>Harrison I miss you so very much. I hope you are really proud of what </strong></strong><strong>i am doing.</strong> <strong>Love Mummy</strong>Melhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00926961799698215662noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3070346040979428232.post-51383422861672450942011-03-16T13:52:00.003+10:002011-03-16T13:53:25.055+10:00Photos of Harrison's scrapbooking day<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_5Pj8ZoPNjMjoS_gM49vciKnXeGHaTtn2obdRMvjV8XOvpAPHtj4z6U240Yl08BTNrRX2Drzc38rOcWY9gLE1bCoXfNqgbUJ0t4CNFG8p8zXzgjuUSx7GvCzLU07-xIHJIlaAnDubOh7_/s1600/Balloon.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 214px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_5Pj8ZoPNjMjoS_gM49vciKnXeGHaTtn2obdRMvjV8XOvpAPHtj4z6U240Yl08BTNrRX2Drzc38rOcWY9gLE1bCoXfNqgbUJ0t4CNFG8p8zXzgjuUSx7GvCzLU07-xIHJIlaAnDubOh7_/s320/Balloon.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5584520744265964610" /></a><br /><br />I just received the photos of Harrison's scrapbooking day, I will be uploading them over the next few days so keep an eye out on this spaceMelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00926961799698215662noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3070346040979428232.post-39254997140889916672011-03-14T09:29:00.003+10:002011-03-14T10:06:51.319+10:00Harrison's Power Point PresentationHere is a powerpoint presentation that I have done up for Harrison. Feel free to go on and view it. I made this power point presentation for our first Scrapbooking day for Harrison's charity.<br /> <br />http://www.authorstream.com/Presentation/MelMckenzie-887025-harrison-s-story/ <br /> <br />We had a really lovely day, we had a working bee table and scrapbooking tables, we got heaps of layouts for the albums. I just want to say a very big thank you to all those that came.<br /><br /><strong>Harrison I love and miss you so very much</strong>.Melhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00926961799698215662noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3070346040979428232.post-91997482226032607042011-03-08T05:34:00.003+10:002011-03-08T05:49:00.606+10:00A poem from Holly ClarkeHere is a poem that my cousin Holly wrote, Holly had a baby girl Caitlin and when she was born she had a bowel condition that was really serious and they never picked it up on ultra sounds. So this poem was written not long after this happened;<br /><br /><div align="center"><strong>My baby Girl</strong></div><div align="center"><strong></strong> </div><div align="center"><strong>The joy of your birth taken away</strong></div><div align="center"><strong>Why my smile can not stay</strong></div><div align="center"><strong>Men in white coats say you are not well</strong></div><div align="center"><strong>I am angry and hurt I wanna yell</strong></div><div align="center"><strong>Please not again, this is not fair</strong></div><div align="center"><strong>This pain and worry is more then I can bare</strong></div><div align="center"><strong>I wasn't warned, I didn't know</strong></div><div align="center"><strong>God why her, why is this so</strong></div><div align="center"><strong>She is so beautiful and sweet</strong></div><div align="center"><strong>There are many, she is yet to meet</strong></div><div align="center"><strong>Don't give her to me and take her away</strong></div><div align="center"><strong>God this angel is mine, she's gotta stay</strong></div><div align="center"><strong></strong><strong>You have plenty of angels by your side</strong></div><div align="center"><strong>God I am sorry, my fury I can not hide</strong></div><div align="center"><strong>If I have done wrong? Punish me</strong></div><div align="center"><strong>But let this little life be</strong></div><div align="center"><strong>By Holly Clarke.</strong></div><div align="center"><strong></strong> </div><div align="left">I love Holly's poems because she not only talks about how scary it is but she talks about a mother s anguish and how you constantly blame yourself, it must have been something we did wrong. To most people who haven't been through this sort of experience it doesn't sound rational really but it is exactly what goes through your head. We have asked Holly to do some poems up for us on Harrison's blog and facebook page So you will be seeing alot more of her poems. Thanks Holly for sharing this. It is beautiful.</div><div align="left"> </div><div align="center"><strong>Harrison I am missing you so very much. There is not a day that goes by that you are not in my thoughts. I love you my sweet boy. Love Mummy</strong></div>Melhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00926961799698215662noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3070346040979428232.post-82313740191797392432011-03-04T23:12:00.001+10:002011-03-04T23:27:08.538+10:00"Born to fly--An Infant's Journey to God" Book Author, Cindy Claussen<iframe height="344" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/UeLDr7e5rzA?fs=1" frameborder="0" width="425" allowfullscreen=""></iframe><br /><br />I am not able to access any of Harrison's photo's at the moment, my lap top that my photos are on has a virus so I am using our older computer. So I have been searching youtube to get some nice clips that make me think of Harrison. This helps me when I am sad, it makes me feel closer to him. There is such sadness in this world, so many griefing parents.<br />I guess I take comfort in that one day I will spend time with Harrison. One day I will get to hold my son. I just wish you were here.<br />It is so strange I have had many people before and even after Harrison was born offering things that they had no intention of doing. I don't understand why people do that. One thing that I have learnt is that you should never make promises you can't keep or have no intention to keep. It makes you look fake and foolish.<br /><div align="center"><strong>Know my sweet angel that I love you, if love was only enough to keep you here. You would haven't gone anywhere. I love you.</strong></div>Melhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00926961799698215662noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3070346040979428232.post-56516148096700771612011-03-03T05:38:00.001+10:002011-03-03T05:41:45.584+10:00Kristin Chenoweth - Borrowed Angels<iframe height="344" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/ApDbmHGe-KQ?fs=1" frameborder="0" width="425" allowfullscreen=""></iframe><br />I found this youtube song and loved it, thought I would share it with you.<br />I miss my little boy so much, I can't explain how much you miss your baby once they are gone. There isn't the words to begin to describe the pain, the longing.<br />Harrison's charity is coming along we are moving at great pace, I hope his charity can bring some comfort to those that are in this situation. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.<br /><div align="center"><strong>Harrison I love and miss you so very much. I wish I could give you an eskimo kiss, smell that sweet baby smell. I love you. Love Mummy</strong></div>Melhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00926961799698215662noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3070346040979428232.post-23373599166035219772011-02-28T07:10:00.002+10:002011-02-28T07:22:42.929+10:00Sending you kisses<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-Jkm-ATJmu5URQaQ9Qpcz_v2H0nVrm13tlJ3bEacMs4JNCcJVn1jirYiRRyOEfQFrBc-YmYpWv6Nm67XvBuztS80U9VfZ29SHSXYp-tggaCMplmaZX_XKzuuXO1bsfhSpThz4dFBZEBvf/s1600/Harrison2.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 229px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5578480132058030418" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-Jkm-ATJmu5URQaQ9Qpcz_v2H0nVrm13tlJ3bEacMs4JNCcJVn1jirYiRRyOEfQFrBc-YmYpWv6Nm67XvBuztS80U9VfZ29SHSXYp-tggaCMplmaZX_XKzuuXO1bsfhSpThz4dFBZEBvf/s320/Harrison2.jpg" /></a><br /><p align="center"><strong>Today is a day where I wish I could just send you a package of kisses and love.</strong> </p><p align="left">I miss him everyday, I think of him every hour. The pain of losing him is the worst pain that I have ever felt in my life. Only another bereaved parent can understand the pain. My pet peeve is when people say you are doing so well. I am not doing as well as I make out. Yes life goes on, whether I want it to or not. I have 3 boys that are here, and I am so grateful for them. It does mean that I have to get up and live. Also Harrison has given me something to do, I will make the world know my son was here, and that he made a difference. So I am now in the process of setting up a charity in his memory. There are some really exciting things that are going to be happening this year, all in the memory of Harrison.</p><p align="center"><strong>I miss you so very much. i hope you look down and are proud. I miss you. I love you</strong> <strong>very much.</strong></p>Melhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00926961799698215662noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3070346040979428232.post-87044082224324101442011-02-24T07:42:00.002+10:002011-02-24T07:46:49.285+10:00Harrison's Layout<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXWLru_O7z7rVxQ8WjFdnY_iA_aLsyBKm2oWZBP7ZWcZATiIaY5-OGxkpphTV6n5WUZ8CXPF-BWDy8anYFD0COo91mUdc3idG22J_wwDQDudOTw5HPPAmT5n3cu0hbEBcSK54bq-O99fPr/s1600/Harrisonlayout.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 314px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 320px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5577003764430986482" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXWLru_O7z7rVxQ8WjFdnY_iA_aLsyBKm2oWZBP7ZWcZATiIaY5-OGxkpphTV6n5WUZ8CXPF-BWDy8anYFD0COo91mUdc3idG22J_wwDQDudOTw5HPPAmT5n3cu0hbEBcSK54bq-O99fPr/s320/Harrisonlayout.jpg" /></a> Here is another layout that I have done of Harrison. I am really picky about the papers that I use for his layouts. I just want them all to be perfect. With my other boys, I have an endless supply of photos and it doesn't matter if one of there layouts don't turn out as I would have like, but I only have limited photos of Harrison so they need to be perfect. I am so sad about him, and miss him very much. I love the colours in this paper, so tranquil, and perfect. Almost what I would think the colours of Heaven would be.<br /><br /><div align="center"><strong>Harrison I love you so very much and missing you always. I just wish I could have you back. With so much love your Mummy.<br /></div></strong>Melhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00926961799698215662noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3070346040979428232.post-64608457345894932532011-02-22T14:43:00.004+10:002011-02-22T14:59:10.266+10:00Heaven...<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEha8sDVp27tmAh46JwQR7UF7ejL6Aqk_On1Z725bZ7f4ltIip4VZSqZcFthdVFgexnuihziXqAsKkTfR-34p0FydJew_Y1vXFJkQVlLc8bJ9Hqxoq468Pzz5cnXlHJXpN2bMTybQb0A_iVC/s1600/Daddieskiss.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 229px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5576370378122166434" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEha8sDVp27tmAh46JwQR7UF7ejL6Aqk_On1Z725bZ7f4ltIip4VZSqZcFthdVFgexnuihziXqAsKkTfR-34p0FydJew_Y1vXFJkQVlLc8bJ9Hqxoq468Pzz5cnXlHJXpN2bMTybQb0A_iVC/s320/Daddieskiss.jpg" /></a><br /><div>Harrison, how can I explain to you how much we loved you? Can I scream it? Would you hear? Does God let you look down, or does he at least tell you about us? I wish I could send you a letter, an emaiil even, as long as it got to you. I would tell you so many things, I would want to know so much, what are you doing? Do you grow in heaven? Do the angels rock and sing to you? Does Jesus gather you all around and read you stories?</div><div>People say that when you go through a tragedy it makes you either believe in God more or move away from beliefs... I grew up in the church, my children attend a Christan school. I have always believed in God, I think the world is to intricate to believe it happened in some bang. Has my tragedy made me believe in God or move away?</div><div>I am really angry at God, I don't understand why I carried Harrison for 9 months and to then deliver him to then to be only taken away after 28 hours. Maybe God has a plan that I yet know about. Though through this time I need to believe in a Heaven and God because that is where I want Harrison to be in a beautiful place where everything is perfect, where he has no pain and is loved and nurtured. </div><div>Now I am left with a broken hearted, as a mother you just want to hold other mothers hands as they go through this dreadful experience. You know the pain that they are feeling. I am hoping I can turn my tragedy into a positive. Hence Harrison's charity.</div><div align="center"><strong>Harrison I love you so very much. I miss you. Mummy</strong></div>Melhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00926961799698215662noreply@blogger.com0