Your brothers will remember

I am blessed to have 3 boys, My eldest Donovan is turning 12, Jordy is 7 and Cody who is turning 2. Harrison was our 4th boy. In a way I wanted a girl, but I love boys, they are fun. Also I think when you have the same sex children, it is easier, you have clothes and toys already. When we heard Harrison was a boy, I was excited. (We had just bought 1 acre of land and were building a house) I was thinking we would have 4 boys running around outside, playing. But at least our yard was big enough for them. When we heard about Harrison, we told the boys that he was sick. Jordy asked was he going to die, we told him that we weren't sure, but it was a possibility. I wanted to be honest with them, I am so glad now I was. When I was pregnant we would tell Cody that baby Harrison was in my tummy. He use to give my tummy kisses and hugs. It was so hard coming home and talking about Harrison, Cody would go to my tummy, and I would have to say no baby Harrison isn't there any more. Now I have to take him to a photo on the wall and show him baby Harrison. I have a locket that I wear around my neck that has Harrison's photo and lock of hair in it. So Cody likes to look at that. It makes me sad though, Cody will only ever know of his baby brother through a photo. I want so badly for the boys to know and remember there brother. I know for Donovan and Jordan they will remember and I can talk to them about it. Cody being so much younger worries me the most, as he will forget. So I am determineed that we remind him every day of Harrison.

How would I have survived without you guys..

Harrison's pregnancy wasn't the easiest, we found out at our 20 week scan that Harrison had Dyaphragmatic Hernia, our lives were turned up side down. I have learnt through this valuable life lessons and that is that people come into your lives for a reason and in times of hardship there are special people that step up and just carry you through it. Through all of our Dramas with Harrison, from when we first found out to the very end there were some people that I am sure are angels in my life. My friend Penny, wow where would i have been with out you. Thank you for always baby sitting Cody, doing flowers for Harrisons funeral, organising meals, letting people know what was going on. Plus just being there emotionally. I miss seeing you as much now that we have moved and not going to the school as often.

Leah who car pools with me, for just being ready to drop anything any time. We appriciate you being the point of call and letting everyone know what was going on and having to face the tyrad of questions from everyone. Thank you for coming to see Harrison with me. I am so glad you got to see my little boy.

Anne, thank you for being there at the hospital. You were one of the few that got to meet my sweet little Harrison alive. I know you have an attachment to him, thank you for being the one that walked into my room when the nursury rang about Harrisons dive. Thank you for calming me. Also thank you for continuely asking how I am doing, and being supportive, what would I do without your text???? Tahnee, you have been great, thanks for cleaning my floors before the funeral, it certainly wasn't something that was on my list of things to do. For being a friend and just always so supportive to me.

I would like to thank Kim who dropped her life to fly up for Harrison's funeral. Raquel, Louise, Silke, Sussi, Sam, you guys have been amazing. Thanks for the phone calls, the visits, massages and meals. It all makes a difference. Losing Harrison has been the hardest, darkest part of my life but these people have been a light, angels on earth for me. I know you all had such hopes that Harrison would be ok. I had hoped he would be ok. Thank you for all just surrounding me with such love. I will always love you, and hold you dear to me. You are all part of Harrisons story, I am so sorry you didn't get to meet him, he was amazing. I know one day you will all get to meet him in Heaven.

A very big thank you

I would just like to take the time to thank some people. Firstly I would like to thank the Mater Hospital, it is sad that they have to perfect this sort of thing, but I really think they did a wonderful job in supporting us and giving us all the information they could and kept us informed. Also they have some brillant staff that I would like to thank, these 3 people will be a part of me for the rest of my life, to me they are part of Harrison's story and his short life. I would like to say a huge thank you to Gina the midwife that I was given through my pregnancy. Gina would be smiling everytime I saw her, and I felt really looked after. I miss seeing Gina, she is one of those people that would do anything for you. Thank you Gina for doing all that you could for me. I really appriciate it. Also I would like to thank Maree, she was the nurse that looked after Harrison the day he died. She was doing a 12 hour shift, she spent all day with him doing all that she could. I knew Harrison was in the best of hands, Maree was fantastic. Maree you have a hard job, and you are amazing. I felt for you, you looked after Harrison all day to lose him at 5.30 and your shift finished at 7. That is a hard day at work. Thank you so much for giving him the best of care. Thank you also for calling Jenny Ruddle the professional photographer in. She took the most amazing photos that I will treasure forever. Also I would like to thank Amanda. Amands my bereavement midwife. She was an angel when she walked into my room the morning after Harrison died. You have been so supportive and just being someone who knows what we are going through. Thank you for my job to do. I love it and I can't wait to get to it. I would also like to thank the doctors and all other staff that helped my little boy.

People move on, but I can't

I layed awake half the night last night, you are constantly on my mind. I started to think I was doing ok, but it is back to being hard. After the debriefing I felt like Harrison didn't have much of a chance to live. It is so hard as my friends have gotten on with there lives and i am stuck and I don't feel like I can get on with my life. I am not ready to move on. My life has changed now and there is a part of my heart that is gone forever and is replaced with sadness. Christmas coming up bothers me as I won't have my baby boy there with us. I still have to face getting Christmas laybys off with toys for him in it. I miss you today Harrison, like every other day, today is just filled with sadness. I love you, I am sending you a kiss and a hug with lots of love from me.

Debriefing Day

Yesterday was the 6 week anniversary of Harrison's death. Yesterday we had the debriefing day at the Mater Hospital where Harrison was born and where he died. The debriefing just goes over everything that happened and if we have any questions to ask, this is where you do it. It was a really emotional day for me. Sometimes when your pregnant and you have a sick baby become routine. Going to the hospital for appointments was such a normal thing. I got in the car yesterday to go to the appointment and thought I haven't got my orange book (for those of you who don't know when you a pregnant you get an orange book that holds all your records for your pregnancy and you take it to each appointment) then it hit me that I don't need my orange book. That started the tears. Then as we were waiting in the waiting room, I went to the toilet and washed my hands and the soap made me think of him. When your baby is in the nursury you are constantly washing your hands and that seems to be the thing that you smell when you are there. So that made me sad. I remember cuddling Harrison and he smelt of the soap as everyone that touched him had washed there hands. The soap was the thing that made me cry the most. It is those little things that you don't expect seems to be the hardest to deal with. I had pysched myself up for the meeting, but didn't think about the soap. The doctors at the Mater were wonderful, they explained the Dyaphragmatic Hernia again and maybe in a bit more detail, I guess the difference was this time was there was no hope there. There was no chance Harrison could out do there odds. One of biggest questions I have asked myself over the last 6 weeks, did I have to much hope, I really did think Harrison would have been ok. After yesterday I have realised that it is a natarual instinct for a mother to have hope. It is a natural instinct for a mother to hope for the best for her children. Maybe it also was a coping mechanism on my part. If I thought Harrison wasn't going to survive life would have been to hard.
They told us that roughly at the Mater hospital 2 babies die a week there. Really when you think of it, they said there are 50000 babies born there a year and only 2 babies die a week, I think that is good odds. Unfortunately Harrison is one of those babies. They also said that they have roughly on average only 10 dyaphragmatic Hernia babies born a year, so it isn't enough to do alot of research as to why it happens. I walked out of that meeting thinking Harrison really didn't have a chance in surviving, how cruel can this world be! It just doesn't seem fair that Harrison had to go through what he did. Why does God let that happen? I don't understand. One thing is I am glad that I got to meet my son. I had 29 hours of him and they are one of the most precious hours I will ever have in my life. Those 29 hours are like a movie that I watch over and over again.
I read something someone had written and the end of it said God has trouble finding angels and so he has to keep some of those babies that are to special. So I think of my Harrison as an angel in Heaven. He showed us that he was a little fighter, and he was full of character, so I can understand in a way why God would want him, it is just that I wanted him to.

How beautiful were you

Harrison was just so gorgeous, you can't explain when you see your baby for the first time, it takes your breath away, you have adored this baby for months while being pregnant, you feel them move and they have there own personality. Harrison certainly kept those cute little traits up after he was born, the nurses said that he liked to pull his cords out. I am glad they told me things like that, I hold on to those words as I know he was a little fighter. I know my beautiful baby gave everything he could to stay. You were so wanted and so loved. He looked so good the day he was born, this is a picture of him a few hours after he was born. I feel so ripped off you carry a baby for 9 months to have him with you for only 29 hours doesn't seem fair. I look at his pictures all the time. Is this heartache ever going to stop, a part of me doesn't want it to, if it does stop will I forget him? I just want the world to know that Harrison was here, he was here and so perfect and beautiful.

Hope

I think as a mother especially when you have a child you have HOPE. In my situation after we found out thats all I could have. Was I hoped Harrison would be ok. I worked everything out, and prepared myself that Harrison would be ok and we would be going up to the hospital many times to see him, but now that kind of has back fired on me, as I do stuff around my house there is constant reminders of how I had things organised to be very busy and almost living up at the hospital. I would give anything for that to be true. But as I reflect Hope is like a double edge sword. Because I think back the day Harrison died and I kept thinking how he was going to be ok, I don't know if it is your mind disillusioning you because I would have crumbled on that day if I had thought that he was going to die which while I was pregnant, I did think about that every now and then, but I don't think you can ever prepare your self for that. And it was something I found to hard to think about. I now think why did I think that, why didn't I give him more kisses. You go over it again and again, and I just don't understand what I was thinking that day. It is almost like I was on automatic pilot. It was like an outer body experience where you can see your self, it is almost like a dream. I wish it was. Now as I sit was it good to have so much hope, should I have thought about Harrison dying more, I don't know, I don't know if I could have. I miss you so much Harrison, mummy sends lots of kisses and hugs to you. I love you