I feel for all those mums

I am having a few really sad days lately, it is like this roller coaster ride, where you seem to live a few days of some sort of normality, and then you a hit with this wave of sadness. At the moment it is the title wave of sadness. Those days that are good, Harrison is never far from my mind and I think of him every day and all the time. Little thoughts of him. Days like today where there is a massive tidal wave of sadness I think of him constantly, I think of those machines that never did what I wanted them to do, I think of the softness of his skin and the silkiness of his hair. My heart goes out to all those mums that have babies in the NICU.
When I was pregnant, the Mater hospital had an information night about what to expect when your baby went into the Intensive care unit. They were telling us how the rooms are set up that the rooms closer to the door is where you wanted your baby to be, as they were the less serious cases and that as they got closer to the door meant they were going home. I remember a mum saying to me, geez you just have to hope your baby isn't in one of those rooms. (she was in hospital as she was having twins and there for bed rest) Harrison went to the room furthest away from the doors, and his little bed was at the end of that room. He never left there alive, and that is so devastating to think other mum's are going through that painful and helpless experience of watching their babies in that NICU. There is nothing more helpless for a mother to not be able to do anything for her baby. In Harrison's case we couldn't hold him, untill we knew he wasn't going to make it. You can only touch them. Your natural instinct as a mother is to want to hold your baby and fix it.... I am so sorry Harrison I couldn't kiss it and make it all better for you. I am sorry Mummy couldn't help you. Please know that I love you.
I have a few friends who are angel mummies, they are all coming up to their babies first birthday, and my heart goes out to them. We should all have babies nearly toddlers, we should all have little ones crawling and beginning to walk little people, instead we are left with empty arms. So to my friends, Teagan, wishing Miller a happy birthday and sending you guys lots of hugs. Sarah, wishing Dominic a happy birthday. I am thinking of you.

Harrison it is nearly 9 months since you were here, you are never far out of my mind, I love you so dearly. I love you little man. xxxx

Some days are harder then others

Today is one of those days, sometimes there is the littlest thing that sets you off and puts in you in a spiral of sadness. I miss Harrison so very much. It's been 8 and half months since I met my son, and lost my son. Those eight and half months have been the hardest months of my life. I have never believed in bad luck, but I am starting to wonder. You just start to want something great to happen to you, and sometimes that just doesn't seem to happen.
I had a lady come up to me, and I had just spoken about Harrison's charity and explained what I do with it. She came up and told me that I was bought up differently to what she was. Basically the conversation was how she didn't agree with what I was doing she didn't agree with. That was really hard, I understand that people deal with things differently, but there is such a stigma on losing a baby, most people have this attitude of it happens get over it, and you shouldn't talk about it. Well what is the difference to if a mother dies, no one tells those that knew that mother that they don't talk about her and she is gone that is it. People expect us mothers to not talk about our child. Most people in there life time will not hold someone in there arms while they die or will have to go through the tramatic experience of losing a child. If you are reading this, and you know someone who has lost a child, just listen, ask how that person is really doing? Make it ok for them to be sad about there baby, and just let them know you are there.

I miss you Harrison, time certainly doesn't heal this broken heart. You are so loved, and so missed. xxx

Mothers Day

Mothers Day was on the weekend, I was so emotional leading up to it, and I have been extremely emotional since. It was so hard, my husband was so lovely though he tried so hard to wait on me the whole day, he cooked up a storm in the kitchen, and made a massive mess, which kept my stress levels high. I missed Harrison so very much. I thought that I should have a nearly 8 month old snuggled in bed with me, waking me up early. My 8 year old was so excited, and I must admit, that made the day a little easier with his excitement it was hard to let my sadness for Harrison be to overwhelming and consuming because of his excitement. '
For Harrison's charity we did a photo shoot on Saturday, and our photographer that supports Harrison's Little Wings, she has a little girl with an incurable condition, and she bought her along, She is absolutely beautiful Ruby, I sat with her most the time, looking at her and watching her, she has a oxygen tube, and a feeding tube, and she makes me think of Harrison and how that could have been a possiblity for me, the oxygen tubes, and tanks. Tanya her mother is awesome and she carries on with so much strength, I often wonder would I have handled my 3 older boys and Harrison as well as she does. Harrison was constantly on my mind that day, just wondering, and wishing he was here. Wondering in a way that was cruel, would he have been really sick if he had survived? All the would haves and could be's, when you lose your baby you often wonder what could have been, you try not to but it is something most of us grieving mothers do. It isn't just the loss of your baby, but the loss of so many hopes and dreams that you have for your children.

Harrison, I miss you and love you. I hope you got my cuddles and kisses on Mothers Day. Love Mummy

Life sometimes gobbles you up and spits you back out

OMG...... Life sometimes is just to hard. Rodney's (My husband) Nan died last thursday night. When he recieved the phone call, it didn't effect me that much, she lives about a 9 hour drive away and I had only met her on 3 occassions. I was upset for Rodney and was concerned about him. We are leaving in the morning to go to the funeral, so we have a long drive ahead of us. Tonight it hit me I was going to another funeral, it broke me, I can't go to another funeral, I can't deal with that. Harrison's funeral was the last one I went to, I don't think I can get through another one. I sat on my bed, and on my bedside table are photos of Harrison that the hospital took for us, and my sweet little baby boy, all those overwhelming emotions flooded back, those feelings of loss, those feelings of knowing life will never be the same again. Sometimes life just doesn't seem fair, and I feel like it has gobbled me up and spat me out. How many times can you pick your self up.
I have been looking for work since Christmas, after everything that I have been through the last year has changed my life forever, I have been told that my unborn baby has a 50% chance of living then it went to 30% chance, while going through the process of building a house. Then to be asked whether once our baby is born do we want to let him go or should the doctors do everything they can. To wondering if my baby boy was going to get to his birth, to then watching my son die, and for him to die in my arms. How much worse can life get. There is not many more horrific things a person can go through. Then you walk into these job interviews and they ask you the stupidist questions. They ask you to answer to this 'Star' answering , or what don't you think you could handle with this job (just a simple receptionist/admin job) I feel like screaming at them all and saying if I can watch my son die, and hold him why he is dying I can handle your receptionist job answering telephones, and filing. Compared to the last 12 months of life your job is a walk in the park for me. Your 'star' answering isn't important. Ask me a real question, and get a real answer. Answering telephones and selling insurance isn't that hard. I have had to force myself up everyday, having 3 boys who I love dearly, and being pregnant wondering if my son is going to live or die. Then having to survive the aftermath of losing him. My life is like a nuclear bomb has gone off, and now seven and a half months later it is deserted of anything of what use to be. I was asked at a different job interview, "If I was to ask your friends what they would say about you, what would they say?" I sat there not knowing what to say. What ran through my mind was that I don't think I have been a great friend over the last 12 months of my life. I just thought to myself I am just trying to keep myself together for my boys, and I haven't been such a great friend at all. I think I didn't answer that very well, well I didn't get the job so I mustn't have. I find it so hard these days to try and say how wonderful I am and think about the 'right' answer. I wonder what a prospective employer would say if I had a slight melt down and spewed out what I really did think.......Probably would think I should be taken to the pshycatric ward immediately and we aren't hiring her.
I feel sometimes to my friends I am an outsider looking into their lives. Some are moving on to different chapters of their lives, it is almost like you feel as though you are standing in a long corridor and they are moving down that corridor and you are stuck behind a glass door at the very beginning and those doors won't open. You feel as though you can see them getting on with their lives and you are watching it but you really can't participate in it as you are stuck behind the doors.
I have never been one to really be bothered by things, I guess I would say that I am a pretty strong person when it comes to life. But this year I think has finally unravelled that strength. I have always been a person to never let my feelings stop me from doing things untill now. This year is the first year that their are certain things I just can't do. Since losing Harrison I find some things just to hard to do. I miss him so very much. I just don't understand why??

Harrison my sweet Harrison, my memories of you are just the most precious and dearest memories. I miss you, and love you. Love Mummy

Easter with out you

Well Easter has just finished and I found it really hard. I try so hard to have fun on these 'family' days but a part of my heart aches, as my baby isn't with us to help us celebrate. There is such a hole left from losing Harrison.
As time goes by the pain doesn't lessen, sometimes you think of all the things that could be, all the things that you wish you did do. You often wonder why did this happen. I wonder if my sweet little boy suffered, and most of all, did my son know I loved him?
I wonder how they celebrate Easter in Heaven? I just wish some of my questions were answered. I feel like tht you are left sitting here wondering. Wondering about my son, it makes you question life after death. I believe in heaven, I believe in God, but I wold just like to know how my son is doing. On earth he would be smiling, and maybe crawling, and starting to say Mummy and Daddy. I never got to hear his cry, I never got to say all the things I wanted to say. If only I had the time over again, I would say so much more.

Harrison I miss you so very much. I hope you had a great Easter, I hope the Easter Bunny bought you a basket full of love and kisses from me. Love Mummy

Today Jordy turns 8

Today my second son Jordan turns 8 years old. These family celebration days are always the hardest for me. I try so hard to make sure Harrison is included in today. I got Jordy a present from him, I always try and make it something really awesome so that it is extra special. We should have a 7 month old baby who is crawling around chasing after wrapping paper, and wanting to eat that wrapping paper. But instead it is that broken piece of my heart that is shattered that sits in my chest, that on such a happy exciting day, I shed tears. I try and not let the boys see me sad on these days, I try and hide that I want them to be happy and excited and have that niavety on these days. They have been through so much themselves with Harrison dying. They have had to experience the death of their brother at such an early age. No family should have to bear the burden of losing a child.

Today Harrison would have turned 7 month old. That makes it hard on this day as well. We wanted Harrison to be born on the 14th as all our boys have been born on a day that has a 4 in it. Donovan was born on the 24th, Jordy the 14th Cody the 4th and Harrison the 14th.

Harrison I miss you so very much. You would be 7 months today on your brothers birthday. I often wonder what you would be doing and what your personality would have been like. I think you would have been determined, you proved that in your brief 28 hours. Your room is still called your room. I can't bear to not. I miss you and love you so very much.

You will be missed

It is Jordy's 8th birthday fast approaching, and it is also Easter. Once again it is the hardest time for me on these events. It is the time that it is so evident that we are a family member short. I use to have a real love for the festive celebrations, like Christmas, Easter. Now they come with me being saddened by it. I still make a big deal for the boys, and they have fun, but it just reminds me of how we have a little boy missing.
As a family we are going through some transitional times and I am finding it really hard, and I feel a little lost, then it makes dealing with my grief so much harder. I am just feeling life is so hard at the moment, and you often think after all I have been through, can't I just get a break. Every time I turn around it just seems another thing.
I worry so much about my other boys dealing with the loss of their brother. I am trying so hard to create memories so they will be ok, and remember him.
It is so hard, as a mother you are suppose to hold it together all the time. I don't feel like I am such a great job at that at the moment. It is like I am treading water.
I miss you Harrison so very much. I was out today at a friends and there was lots of little ones, toddlers around. I just kept thinking I ahould have a baby who would be nearly 7 months. He should be rolling and crawling around. I wonder what he would be doing? I wonder if he would have been a sleeper? I just wish that I had the opportunity to get to know him more, at least to have some memories.

Harrison my sweet little boy, I love you so very much. You are missed every moment of every day. I love you