Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Coming up to your first birthday

It isn't far away from your first birthday, only 8 weeks away, I have considered myself to have coped so far, I have had my sad moments there has been alot, but overall I think I have survived this tragedy ok. But Harrison's first birthday just seems to make me sob. The thought of trying to make a cake, everytime I think about it I cry. I don't know how I am going to go through this.
How do you celebrate a first birthday without your baby. How do you celebrate when the following day was the most tragic day. I am hit with 2 days in a row, one of Joy that my son was born, then the other day is so very sad, the day when my son died. It's so conflicting. How do you celebrate when he isn't here with me. I love him so much, he should be here to celebrate.
I should be able to make a cake that reflects his little personality, the things he likes, so when I go through the cake book, I have only 28 hours of his little life to go on. 28 hours is more then some people get, and I am grateful for those 28 hours, but then it isn't alot to go on for a cake. He was such a fighter, but how do you translate that into a cake. I feel so ripped off. I should have my son with me, I should have him to pick up and cuddle and wish him happy birthday. I want to make it so very specail for my boys, but i am trying to figure out how I am going to get through this without being a mess.
This is so very hard for me. I miss him so very much. I have lost my innocence of life and how things bad don't happen to me. I have lost my son to a horrible condition. I will never get him back. I will never get to hold him and kiss him, I never got to hear him cry, I never got to see his little eyes open.

Harrison I love you so very much. I think of you every day. I wonder if in Heaven they celebrate birthdays? Do you have a party for being in heaven for 1 whole year? It's kind of ironically that the hardest day of my life, may be a celebration in heaven. I hope you like the cake I am hoping to make for you. I will try and not cry to much why I make it, but I can't make any promises. Loving you and missing you. Love Mummy

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

How I miss you so...

It is coming up to nearly 10 months since Harrison came into our lives, and then so quickly left. These 10 months have been the saddest, and the most inspiring 10 months. Such conflicting emotions.
Coming up to the year mark makes me so very sad. I have had a few angel mums, that have come up to their angelversaries, and I see how hard it was for them. In life we celebrate the birth of our babies, but some births bring such sadness, how do you honour that baby.
For Harrisons first birthday is a 2 day event, such a sweet day of his birth, where I got to meet my son, my little fighter, but then met the next day with such devastation, such sadness.
I have met a mum recently who is pregnant with a T18 baby. She has been told her baby is not compatible with life, and so she now so bravely prepares herself for what may come. She is just so much braver then I was when I was pregnant. I hang onto that 30% with all my heart, I just wanted him to prove the doctors wrong. I wanted to get onto 60 minutes, or a show like that and tell the world what a little miracle baby I had, that proved all the doctors wrong. Some times I think maybe reality was to hard to face for me. The thought of my baby dying would take a massive emotional toll that I couldn't bear.
I know now that nothing could ever prepare you to lose a baby. Nobody could ever tell you how hard, and how sad that reality is. I can't even explain that void that forever sits inside my heart. Your life is always shadowed by that sadness of having your baby not with you. There are moments that you are happy, but then that thought of my son who isn't here to share that moment comes back, and then that moment has a sadness to it.
Harrisons room isn't set up as a baby room, we never did that, we had all the stuff in their but we didn't put the room together, if Harrison had done well, we knew he would have been in hospital for a while so I thought I would do it then. But even now I still refer to it as Harrisons room, I think that will always be his room. Sometimes I go in there to vacuum, and it still has that new house smell in his room. But for me it is like walking back 11 months ago when we moved into our newly built house. It takes me back standing in that room wondering what was going to happen, it is almost like a movie playing in my head. Then you are bought back to life and how it is. It is without hope of Harrison with us.
I still am not sure of what we will be doing for Harrisons first birthday/angelversary. i want to make it really special, but how do you make something special when it is also so sad.

Harrison Mummy misses you so very much. I hope you are having lots of fun, I am sure you have made lots of friends, you had such a sweet little personality. I hope you found my Nanna, your great grandmother. I hope she has you in her arms and rocking you, and telling you about all the times your mummy stayed at her place. I love you so very much. Sending you loads of love, and kisses and the biggest of hugs. Love Mummy