Wednesday, April 25, 2012
I can't believe it has gone past the 18 month mark of our sweet Harrison coming into our world and sadly leaving it way to soon. This journey has been filled with so many lows, so many tears, but it has also been filled with so much love and so much support from people I never thought possible. This journey has taught me so many lessons and Harrison's life has inspired me to do things that I would never have thought possible.
I would never have thought I would have been up in front of large groups of people sharing Harrison's story. I would never thought I would have been educating midwives about baby loss. Though I must admit, I have loved doing this, I love that Harrison's life is making such an impact of those future families that unfortunately, and tragically will also lose their babies. Unfortunately I can't stop that from happening but what I like to think Harrison's life and memory can do is make a families experience be a positive one, surrounded by midwives who aren't afraid of death and not afraid to break the stigma that our society has put around death. A family can build so many memories after their babies have died. Just by being able to give your baby a bath, spend time touching your baby, holding your baby, kissing their checks, touching their hair are such treasured and the most unforgetable memories that a family can make.
I have been busily working with Harrison's Little Wings Inc, which is Harrisons charity set up in his memory. I am so passionate about so many things. I want to continue educating midwives on baby loss and how they can make such a huge impact on a family. We have been and are starting to put in place our practical support program for families who have been given a cogenital abnormality in pregnancy or high risk pregnancy. I love this program, and I think this will touch so many lives. I am also passionate about having a bereavement midwife in every maternity hospital within Australia. I think every family deserves to be treated with gentleness, respect and get a quality of care that is so very specific to a family suffering baby loss. I think that this midwife should have specific training on how to handle these situations. So this is the legacy my sweet little Angel has left behind.
Some people ask me how do I do it. Firstly I don't think I am any different to any other mum who has lost their baby. I do think I have finally found something that I am extremely passionate about, and I am driven by an inner force and fire that I have never really had before for anything else. But I also come from a place where even though what happened with Harrison was So very traumatic, and so very sad for me, I don't want to remember him with sadness, I want to remember him as such a special gift given to me. A blessing. So this is why Harrison's charity exist.
I do still have bad days, 18 months in and there are still days that are just so hard, and I still cry and miss him so very much. I only just recently had a situation where someone made a comment about one of Harrison's photos and it devastated me. It was like someone tearing a bandaid off a sore when the bandaid had stuck to the sore, and when they ripped it off, they ripped all the skin off as well. You think you have walked a long way on this grief journey but it takes one insensitive comment to take you right back to that raw grief.
I hadn't had much time to go through Harrison's photos lately, but I was doing some scrapbooking and wanted to do a page of him, so I went through them, and those photos mean so very much and it isn't easy, every time I look through them, they make me cry. That is all I have of him. It just seems a little unfair, for someone I loved so very much to have so little to show for that love.
I miss you baby boy. I still think of you every day. My heart bubbles over with so much love for you. Love Mummy. xxxxx
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
It has been so long since I have written, I have been so busy with honouring Harrison's memory with his not for profit organisation, that I haven't had much spare time. I can't believe it is coming up to 18 months since Harrison was born, and Harrison died. Though that pain feels like yesterday. That acute intense pain, just the thought brings tears to my eyes.
This last 2 years have been such a massive journey for me, in so many facets of my life. My family life, my friendships, and my marriage. It hasn't been the easiest of roads, the fog has started to clear though after 2 years of pure struggle to get up and soldier on in life.
People don't understand how when you lose a baby there is a bit of you that is never truly happy. There is always this moment when you are out that you find your mind wondering off to that little boy that is meant to be with us. You never really feel that 'free joy' any more.
My marriage has taken a massive beating over the last 12 months, I think women and men grieve so differently and sometimes it is hard to understand how to re-connect, and whether at all you can re-connect. Losing a baby puts a massive hole in your being that there is no bridge big enough to build over it.
I have noticed that friendships have come and gone. More gone then have came. It is only recently that I have had that clarity of waking up and taking a good look around me in my friendships and I have had to question alot. There were people that in the moment they were there, but the aftermath afterwards they brushed there hands, whether that is because people can't handle the intensity of the emotion. Maybe they got to tired of me 'not being the fun me' Maybe the pain inside me was to intense, and yes I know I haven't been the most perfect friend to some of my friends, no I haven't picked up the damn phone to call you but they don't seem to understand that they could pick up the phone to. Why should I have to worry about picking up a phone.
Sometimes you just get tired of being 'strong' you get so tired of people seeing that you are doing something positive so that means your ok. You get tired of feeling like you have to fix things all the time. I have 3 children that I have here in this world with me, and Rodney being away so much for work, I am pretty much a single mum and sometimes it would be nice to feel as though I don't have to make the effort in a friendship.
I miss Harrison so very much. He is on my mind every day. I look at children that would be his age and think I should have that. Also comes with that I wonder if I could have been strong enough to look after him if he was sick. I watch a mum with her daughter who has so much courage and she is so inspiring but I read her updates on facebook and I wonder if I could have done such an amazing job like she does. She is amazing.
I also have to say thankyou to an amazing friend Leanne, who gosh girl you are amazing, and thanks for taking me out and we had such a awesome time, but thank you for listening and not trying to sugar coat anything but also thank you for letting me make my own decisions and be supportive. Thank you so very much. And thank you for helping me honour Harrison. I believe he has brought us together and I am sure he is smiling down on us so very proud.
I have sat back over the last 18 months and watched friendships come and go, mostly go.