Thursday, March 31, 2011

They say time heals

Every one knows the saying, 'Time heals' well I don't think it does when you lose a child, time passes and the sadness remains. I think I am trying to find a new normal, life will never be care free and that simple happiness. When you are a griefing parent your life is layers, layers of sadness, it just depends on what layer has been unfolded will depend on how you react.
The other frequent comment is 'you are doing so well' They really have no idea. I have my typical answer 'I am doing ok' but really you feel like you are falling apart. I am so shattered about Harrison. He was such a little fighter, to make it as long as he did, he had such determination. I just hope and pray that he knew his mummy loved him so very much.
I think in life there is just some experiences that time will never heal. I think you become scarred, I guess a part of me just wants to hide away and stay in bed, another part of me wants the world to know my sweet little boy was just so perfect. I want the world to know that the pain us mothers feels is the most heart wrenching, the deepest, darkest and so very sad world us angel parents live in.

Harrison, I love you, I miss you so very much. there was a beautiful breeze today, I know that on that breeze you sent loads of love and kisses to me. I wish I could touch your beautiful soft skin, your hair that was like silk. If only I could have one more moment. Just one more minute, in that minute I would tell you how much love I have for you. How as much I am so sad that you aren;t here, I would never wish you had never came. I would wish you could have stayed with me. Loving you every moment of every day. Love Mummy

Sunday, March 27, 2011

what would your life been like

I went to the Cystic Fibrosis Ball last night. We were invited through some of Rodney's work contacts who bought a table for the ball. A girl got up and spoke about suffering with Cystic Fibrosis. I never really knew what Cystic Fibrosis was all about, I had heard of it before but I didn't know that it affects many of the body's systems, including the lungs and digestion. The girl that spoke had alot of problems with her lungs, and suffered severe scar tissue to her lungs because of the problems she does have. This made me think of Harrison. My sweet little boy who's lungs were so affected by Diaphragmatic Hernia. It made me think what would have his life been like if he did survive. I wondered if he would have struggled like her every day. But she has a life, even though it is riddled with appointments. Her parents have been able to know her personality, they have had to watch her grow. Not that I think she should live with this condition. Rodney got really mad and said 'At least she has a life and you can live.' So many questions swirled through my head. it made me feel sad that Harrison' wasn't here. People don't understand that the slightest thing makes you think, it can transport you to the darkest moment of your life, and can almost paralyze you with sadness. The person we went with knew we lost a baby, being a guy he asked me about it (which was actually very unusual as most people don't acknowledge it or don't want to talk about it) but he undid his bravery of asking about Harrison when he said 'well you just have to move on don't you' I sat there thinking that is easy for you to say. His son was there (and not that I would wish this upon anyone) I felt like saying to him, how about you watch your son die and I turn around to you and say 'well you just have to move on' I am sure he had all good intentions when he made that comment. I know that, but it is hard. Harrison is my son. Every fibre of me loves him, and misses him.
Harrison you are in my thoughts every moment of every day. I can't even begin to find the words to tell you how much I love you.If God told me that I had a minute to tell you something. I would want to put the words so affectively, a poem of some sort, but I don't think I am that great with that sort of thing. There would be so much I would want you to know, but I think a minute isn't very long. So I would simply tell you 'I love you, I loved you from the very beginning of your existance.

Monday, March 21, 2011

Harrison's Scrapbooking Crop day

On the 12th of March we had a scrabooking crop day for Harrison's charity. It was such an awesome day. We had loads of raffles and the girls scrapbooked some layouts for us,which has been fantastic, we also had a working bee table for those that weren't scrapbookers, they did such a wonderful job cutting things for me and doing so much of that work that takes so much time up. It was just a great day.
Days like that give me the strength to go on, I love that his photo was there and it was just a reminder that he is the one that inspired it all.

I miss him so very much. I have just got some of the paper work in for Harrison's charity. I am so glad that I can keep his memory alive this way and to help others, I just want to hold there hands through such a tragic day.

Harrison I miss you so very much. I hope you are really proud of what i am doing. Love Mummy

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Photos of Harrison's scrapbooking day

I just received the photos of Harrison's scrapbooking day, I will be uploading them over the next few days so keep an eye out on this space

Monday, March 14, 2011

Harrison's Power Point Presentation

Here is a powerpoint presentation that I have done up for Harrison. Feel free to go on and view it. I made this power point presentation for our first Scrapbooking day for Harrison's charity.

We had a really lovely day, we had a working bee table and scrapbooking tables, we got heaps of layouts for the albums. I just want to say a very big thank you to all those that came.

Harrison I love and miss you so very much.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

A poem from Holly Clarke

Here is a poem that my cousin Holly wrote, Holly had a baby girl Caitlin and when she was born she had a bowel condition that was really serious and they never picked it up on ultra sounds. So this poem was written not long after this happened;

My baby Girl
The joy of your birth taken away
Why my smile can not stay
Men in white coats say you are not well
I am angry and hurt I wanna yell
Please not again, this is not fair
This pain and worry is more then I can bare
I wasn't warned, I didn't know
God why her, why is this so
She is so beautiful and sweet
There are many, she is yet to meet
Don't give her to me and take her away
God this angel is mine, she's gotta stay
You have plenty of angels by your side
God I am sorry, my fury I can not hide
If I have done wrong? Punish me
But let this little life be
By Holly Clarke.
I love Holly's poems because she not only talks about how scary it is but she talks about a mother s anguish and how you constantly blame yourself, it must have been something we did wrong. To most people who haven't been through this sort of experience it doesn't sound rational really but it is exactly what goes through your head. We have asked Holly to do some poems up for us on Harrison's blog and facebook page So you will be seeing alot more of her poems. Thanks Holly for sharing this. It is beautiful.
Harrison I am missing you so very much. There is not a day that goes by that you are not in my thoughts. I love you my sweet boy. Love Mummy

Friday, March 4, 2011

"Born to fly--An Infant's Journey to God" Book Author, Cindy Claussen

I am not able to access any of Harrison's photo's at the moment, my lap top that my photos are on has a virus so I am using our older computer. So I have been searching youtube to get some nice clips that make me think of Harrison. This helps me when I am sad, it makes me feel closer to him. There is such sadness in this world, so many griefing parents.
I guess I take comfort in that one day I will spend time with Harrison. One day I will get to hold my son. I just wish you were here.
It is so strange I have had many people before and even after Harrison was born offering things that they had no intention of doing. I don't understand why people do that. One thing that I have learnt is that you should never make promises you can't keep or have no intention to keep. It makes you look fake and foolish.
Know my sweet angel that I love you, if love was only enough to keep you here. You would haven't gone anywhere. I love you.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Kristin Chenoweth - Borrowed Angels

I found this youtube song and loved it, thought I would share it with you.
I miss my little boy so much, I can't explain how much you miss your baby once they are gone. There isn't the words to begin to describe the pain, the longing.
Harrison's charity is coming along we are moving at great pace, I hope his charity can bring some comfort to those that are in this situation. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
Harrison I love and miss you so very much. I wish I could give you an eskimo kiss, smell that sweet baby smell. I love you. Love Mummy