Thursday, April 28, 2011

Easter with out you

Well Easter has just finished and I found it really hard. I try so hard to have fun on these 'family' days but a part of my heart aches, as my baby isn't with us to help us celebrate. There is such a hole left from losing Harrison.
As time goes by the pain doesn't lessen, sometimes you think of all the things that could be, all the things that you wish you did do. You often wonder why did this happen. I wonder if my sweet little boy suffered, and most of all, did my son know I loved him?
I wonder how they celebrate Easter in Heaven? I just wish some of my questions were answered. I feel like tht you are left sitting here wondering. Wondering about my son, it makes you question life after death. I believe in heaven, I believe in God, but I wold just like to know how my son is doing. On earth he would be smiling, and maybe crawling, and starting to say Mummy and Daddy. I never got to hear his cry, I never got to say all the things I wanted to say. If only I had the time over again, I would say so much more.

Harrison I miss you so very much. I hope you had a great Easter, I hope the Easter Bunny bought you a basket full of love and kisses from me. Love Mummy

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Today Jordy turns 8

Today my second son Jordan turns 8 years old. These family celebration days are always the hardest for me. I try so hard to make sure Harrison is included in today. I got Jordy a present from him, I always try and make it something really awesome so that it is extra special. We should have a 7 month old baby who is crawling around chasing after wrapping paper, and wanting to eat that wrapping paper. But instead it is that broken piece of my heart that is shattered that sits in my chest, that on such a happy exciting day, I shed tears. I try and not let the boys see me sad on these days, I try and hide that I want them to be happy and excited and have that niavety on these days. They have been through so much themselves with Harrison dying. They have had to experience the death of their brother at such an early age. No family should have to bear the burden of losing a child.

Today Harrison would have turned 7 month old. That makes it hard on this day as well. We wanted Harrison to be born on the 14th as all our boys have been born on a day that has a 4 in it. Donovan was born on the 24th, Jordy the 14th Cody the 4th and Harrison the 14th.

Harrison I miss you so very much. You would be 7 months today on your brothers birthday. I often wonder what you would be doing and what your personality would have been like. I think you would have been determined, you proved that in your brief 28 hours. Your room is still called your room. I can't bear to not. I miss you and love you so very much.

Monday, April 11, 2011

You will be missed

It is Jordy's 8th birthday fast approaching, and it is also Easter. Once again it is the hardest time for me on these events. It is the time that it is so evident that we are a family member short. I use to have a real love for the festive celebrations, like Christmas, Easter. Now they come with me being saddened by it. I still make a big deal for the boys, and they have fun, but it just reminds me of how we have a little boy missing.
As a family we are going through some transitional times and I am finding it really hard, and I feel a little lost, then it makes dealing with my grief so much harder. I am just feeling life is so hard at the moment, and you often think after all I have been through, can't I just get a break. Every time I turn around it just seems another thing.
I worry so much about my other boys dealing with the loss of their brother. I am trying so hard to create memories so they will be ok, and remember him.
It is so hard, as a mother you are suppose to hold it together all the time. I don't feel like I am such a great job at that at the moment. It is like I am treading water.
I miss you Harrison so very much. I was out today at a friends and there was lots of little ones, toddlers around. I just kept thinking I ahould have a baby who would be nearly 7 months. He should be rolling and crawling around. I wonder what he would be doing? I wonder if he would have been a sleeper? I just wish that I had the opportunity to get to know him more, at least to have some memories.

Harrison my sweet little boy, I love you so very much. You are missed every moment of every day. I love you