Thursday, December 30, 2010

One of your Christmas gifts

Here is the fort that was suppose to be for you and your brothers for Christmas. This playground is a reminder that you aren't here. We layby this when we had not long found out we were pregnant with you. We thought how awesome for all you kids to be out there playing together. So when I look at this I think of you. Cody loves it, and that to a degree makes me sad as he would have loved his little brother up there with him, once you got older.

I love and miss you so much. My sweet angel. Love Mummy

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

I have been really sad over the last few days. Not sure if it was Christmas that has made it sadder or just life. I also don't know whether it is the year drawing to an end and every ones talking about what they are doing to end the year. The whole end of year makes me sad, don't get me wrong, I am glad this year is coming to an end. It certainly couldn't get any worse, but then it is another thing that ends. I am not good with the end of things any more. Everything seems to move on. I miss my son so much, I don't want him forgotten because the year has ended.
Harrison I miss you. I just want some more time with you, more photos of you. I wanted to see your little eyes open, I wanted to hear you cry. I just want you. I love you, my baby boy. Love Mummy

Monday, December 27, 2010

Christmas with out you.

It was really hard this Christmas. I usually love Christmas, love the Carols in the shops, love the whole spirit of giving at Christmas. This Christmas was laced with Sadness for me, It should have been Harrison's first. I missed him so much on Chirstmas day. I had my little reminders of him, Anne's little angel, my other Harrisons angel ball and my mum bought me a ball with Harrison's name on it, which you can see on the photos. The boys and I wrote our letters to Harrison and put it in his little stocking.
My cousin came over for lunch on Christmas day. She has a 6 month old baby, I look at her and think Harrison would have been littler then you. She was a reminder of what I didn't have on that day. She went down for a nap, and when she started to cry I thought it was my son Cody, but as I got closer to the rooms it was her so I went in and got her from where she was sleeping. She was all happy and cute, as they are. There were 2 moments though while I was holding her, that she gave me this really sweet long hugs, she just rested her little head in my chest and I wanted to cry because it was just so sweet, but a part of me thinks maybe it was Harrison sending hugs through her. That might be crazy, but they were just the most unusual little hugs
It was almost like she knew i was missing someone and I needed this hug. So I believe those hugs were from Harrison.

I miss him so much. It made me sad, the people with us on Christmas day didn't really talk about him. That was hard I am not sure if people understood how hard that day was for me in that way. My son died only 3 and a half months ago and it was suppose to be his first Christmas. Babies first Christmas are usually so special, so the loss on their first Christmas is even harder. I missed him so much, my heart feels like it is almost breaking again.
Harrison, I miss you so much. I have met some other Mummies that have Angel babies, I hope you were with them on Christmas day. I hope in Heaven that Christmas day was amazing. My heart aches for you and I so wish you were here with me. Merry Christmas my sweet little angel. I love you. Love Mummy

Friday, December 24, 2010

Thank you Anne,

My dear friend Anne bought me this beautiful Angel Ornament. This ornament hangs on our tree, I really love this ornament, Thank you so much Anne for getting me this. It means the world to me.
It's Donovan (my eldest son) birthday today, I love birthdays, but these days there is an element of sadness as well. Harrison isn't here with us to celebrate, and these times when it is such a family time it really hits home that he isn't here.I have decided on birthdays that we will include Harrison and now Harrison gives a birthday present and a christmas present to the boys At least by doing this I feel like he is still remembered by the boys in an exciting way, and that he is still some what included in our family, especially those special days
I have this internal battle, I love Christmas, but a part of me just doesn't want to do Christmas. In some ways it is just to happy and so family orientated I don't have all my family with me, my little boy is an angel in heaven, but I want him here.

I miss you my sweet little boy. I wish you were here, especially for today and tomorrow being Christmas. I love you so much. Missing you as always. I love you Love Mummy

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Ways to remember you

We concreted the pads for the kids Fort that we layby at the beginning of the year. We knew we were pregnant with Harrison, so this gift was partly for him. So we decided to write the kids names in the concrete we wanted to include Harrison's as it was for him as well.
We put all the boys hand prints above there names, but because Harrison isn't with us I put the date he was born and the date he died. I feel as though this will be here forever, even if we move our house and yard is special and he has a place here, this house was built with him in mind, so this is a way he can lay claim here. It makes me sad that he never came home to see our house or his room. He is home in a way now but it isn't the same.

Harrison my sweet little boy we love and miss you. This is one of your Christmas presents. We miss you and wish you could be here.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Dear Santa,

Dear Santa,

As you know this time of year is hard on us Angel parents and the only thing we ask for is a Christmas miracle....Thats for our angels to come and see us on Christmas Day.,, See Santa we angel parents miss our angels more then anything in the world on Christmas day..... So take this wish and please grant it for us.... (I got this from the Sands facebook page)
I wish this wish could be granted. That is all I ask for Christmas is to see my beautiful baby boy. Just for a few minutes. Just to touch his soft skin. Just one more time.
I love you Harrison, I miss you so much. I wish you could come back. My heart aches for you. Your big brothers birthday is coming up. You are always missed on these events. Your big brother misses you. He loved you so much. He was so sad because he didn't get to see you with your eyes open. You are so loved by all of us, and missed by us all. You will be forever in our hearts.

Monday, December 20, 2010

Harrison's Charity Day

Scrapbooking Crop Day

Come and join us for a day of scrapbooking. We are having a crop day to raise money to scrapbook the little 6x6 albums for other families that have lost babies. Also on this day you are welcome to scrap some layouts to go into the albums. We are going to have loads of goodies. Sam Hauzer will also be teaching a class. Limited seats available, so please contact me via email on

Saturday 12th March 2011
Cost; $25 Includes lunch
Time; 9am-5pm
Where; City Church, cnr of Kingston Rd and Queens Rd Kingston.
I would love to see you all there.
I love you my sweet little Harrison. I am missing you like crazy. Love Mummy

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Harrison I am missing you terribly. The last few days have been really hard. Went shopping today, saw the baby first Christmas little outfits. That was really hard. I should have been buying those outfits for you to wear on Christmas day. How beautiful were you my sweet little boy. I wish you were here.
I love you!!1

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Those cute little feet.

I sat on the couch the other day and was looking at my feet, and I realised that my pinky toe curls in, Harrison had the same little pinky toe as me. fianlly I got a feature of mine on one of my babies. They all look so much like there father, it is almost like mini Rodneys walking around. I guess it is just another thing that makes me feel ripped off. He had such beautiful cute feet, they were long and really narrow.
A week until Christmas, I am trying so hard for the boys, to do the whole Christmas thing, but it is a bit hard to be all Merry when the loss is so raw and still so fresh. We are a little boy down, and it isn't meant to be like this.
We have friends coming over today, they lost there little girl to Diaphragmatiic Hernia, it will be a year in January for them. It will be good to have them here. Just to have that common bond.
My dearest Harrison, I love you and miss you. Thinking of you always. I hope the angels sing to you and play with you. Though I am so jeolous of that, I wish I could be doing that. I love you. Love Mummy

Friday, December 17, 2010

Little treasures to remind me of you

I just want to say a thank you to Kirstie, I met Kirstie through Sands, the support group for those who have lost babies. She made me this really beautiful braclet. I have worn it everyday since she gave it to me.
The last few days have been really hard for me. This was around the time I had hoped we would have been bringing Harrison home. My hope was that he would come home for Christmas. I remember the neonatalist doctor saying that they had had some babies without Diaphragms at all and they were still in hospital (For 3 months). I had thought to myself well, hopefully Harrison would have a diaphragm and surely he better off with a diaphragm then not. Well that obviously isn't the case.
This grief is such a lonely journey. I have met some really great women who are going through similar stuff. That has been so helpful. To know you are not alone. But the whole feeling of a loss is such a personal journey as well. The heartwrenching pain you feel waking up in the middle of the night, and realising it isn't a dream.
Harrison my sweetest little boy, I wonder what Christmas is like in Heaven. I wonder if there will be any special celebration up there. I wish you could be here with me. I love you, and I am thinking of you.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

I am missing you

Time has taken me from you,
Although not very far.
I'll be watching through the sunshine
And through the brightest star.
I'll be watching all of you,
From the heavens up above.
So take good care of each other
And carry all my love.
If you're ever wondering
If I'm there, here's where you can start
Take a look inside yourself
Deep within your heart.
I'll always be your baby,
Your child.
So anytime you need me,
Close your eyes Im back again.
Author Unknown
I feel ripped off today. The last few days have been hard. I just don't understand this world, and why some things happen and why they happen. I certainly don't understand why Harrison had to go.
I miss you my darling Harrison. I wish I could have you in my arms rocking you to sleep. I love you. If I could have one wish this Christmas, I would wish for you to come back to me. Love Mummy.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Harrison's first Santa Photo

Here is our annual photo done with Santa clause, I wanted Harrison to be in it. He should have been held by Santa, in his arms. I feel so ripped off that he wasn't. How cruel life is. Instead he had to have his Santa photo through a photo I miss him so much today. I just want to curl up and go back to bed. Today is just to hard.

Harrison, I wish you were here so I could be cuddling you and giving you kisses. I wish you were here so I could feel your soft beautiful skin. You had the sweetest of little lips, and the cutest of button noses. I love you, I love you so much. Missing you as always. Love Mummy.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

The world may never notice
If a Snowdrop doesn't bloom,
Or even pause to wonder
If the petals fall too soon.
But every life that ever forms,
Or ever comes to be.
Touches the world in some small way
For all eternity
The little one we long for
Was swiftly here and gone.
But the love that was then planted
Is a light that still shines on.
And though our arms are empty,
Our hearts know what to do.
Every beating of our hearts
Says that we do love you
Author Unknown
I love you Harrison and miss you so very much.

Monday, December 13, 2010

Memorial Service

Yesterday I went to the Sands Christmas memorial service. It was nice. The boys liked it, they asked us all to take gifts to put under the tree that you would buy for your baby. They also got us to decorate a christmas decoration through the service in memory of your baby. The kids loved this, and I loved that, thinking that was a great way for the boys to remember Harrison.
The slide show made me cry, just seeing Harrison's photo up on the screen. His sweet little face, that I miss so much
Harrison my sweet little angel. I love you, hugs and kisses from Mummy and Daddy, and the boys.xxxxooooo

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Christmas Stocking

My friend helped sew a stocking I wanted for Harrison. I wanted to make up this stocking so that each year we can write letters and the kids could choose to write a letter to him or draw a picture. I am then going to buy a box and keep them, it just means every year we create more memories, it is also a way to keep Harrison't memory alive with his brother. I don't want them to ever forget him. A very big thank you to Anne who sewed this for me. Thanks for helping me do exactly what I wanted This stocking now hangs on our tree.
Harrison I wish you were here, I wish you could see the Christmas tree lights and see all the presents under the tree. I love you my darling boy, and miss you so very much. Love Mummy

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Living without you

My in laws are away, and the boys and I didn't have much to do over a few days, to kill some time we decided to go to my in laws place, they live at Bribie, so we had the beach at hand, great to give the boys something to do, considering we are in second week of school holidays. But it was sad, I had that little bit missing where I should have had Harrison with us. If Harrison was here we probably wouldn't have gone, the beach with a 2 year old is a handful on my own, never alone with a baby as well. Or I would have organised a friend to come with me. I also sat on the beach and thought if he was with us and we did come it would have been his first time at the beach. I wrote his name in the sand with a heart. Hoping he was looking down from heaven and knowing I was wishing he was here with me. Christmas is fast approaching and I am getting sad about that he isn't here. We did the whole Santa photo the other day, I took a photo of Harrison, Santa had the boys on his lap and they were holding Harrison's photo. I liked the fact he was included. It is going to be another tradition with the boys at Christmas time,

I miss you my sweet little boy. It would have been your first little holiday and the first time at the beach if you were here with us. Well you are here with us, just in our hearts. I love you my darling Harrison. Sending you kisses and extra big hugs. xxxx

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

On Facebook a friend had a saying 'I don't need an angel on top of my tree, I have an angel watching over me' I really liked this. I feel the same, I don't need one on my tree, Harrison I hope is watching over me. I wish he was here with me.
I am going away for a few days with my boys. It is just anohter family event that he isn't here or. I guess I have to look at it that he is in my heart and with us that way. The boys are getting Santa photos done this morning. I will be taking Harrison's photo with me. He will be sitting on Santas lap to.
Harrison my sweet little boy, I love you, your big brothers love you and miss you. I love you so much. Wishing you were here.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Why, I don't understand

I don't understand so many things any more. Why Harrison had to be sick? Why did he have to die? Why people say the things that they do?
I am trying to create traditions that include Harrison into our family Christmas, and I read in a newsletter, that the support group that I go to sends out (SANDS) how one couple buy a present for there child from there angel baby. I really liked that idea, I thought all kids love presents, so from Harrison the boys will get something special. The presents are under the tree. I was telling a family member and I got the comment 'as long as it doesn't make them sad'. Well does that mean we just sweep it under the matt. Well at the moment alof of stuff about Harrison makes me sad and some upset the boys, and yes it will make them a little sad, but it will be a tradition that they will cherish. Also he was remembered. He is a part of my life and he is a part of this family and I want him to be included in this family. It is almost like people don't want to talk about it, well if you don't want to talk about my son then people shouldn't come here because he will be spoken about all the time. He is still a part of me and this family.
I miss you my sweet Harrison. I love you dearly. I think of you all the time. Wish I could give you a big hug. Love Mummy.

Monday, December 6, 2010

Christmas is coming...

This photo is our Christmas photo for the year. We wanted to include Harrison, as he is part of our family. So the only way I could do that is put his little photo with the boys for the annual Christmas photo. I thought this would be a nice tradition to start with the boys to remember Harrison in our Christmas celebrations. I have also decided to do it when we go to see Santa, I am going to get the boys to take Harrisons photo and they can hold him. It would be Harrison's first Christmas this year so this one will be extra sad in a way. He should be coming with us to sit on Santas knee.
Christmas is coming, we have layby a play structure for our kids, we put this on layby in late January, we knew we were pregnant thinking this play structure will be great we would get heaps of use because of Harrison, and our 2 year old and for our 7 year old, our soon to be 12 year old will play on it with his brothers but not something that would excite him to much. It is getting delivered on Friday. This play structure makes me and Rodney really sad as it was suppose to be more for Harrison and Cody. We had visions of Harrison and Cody playing in the back yard together having a fantastic time. This is the thing that seems to have done Rodneys head in the most. We are sad for Cody as well, I really thought Harriison and Cody would be best of friends as they got older, they would have been close in age and have that special bond. Harrison is so missed.
Harrison, I hope you are up in Heaven, and I hope God lets you look down on Christmas day so you know we hadn't forgotten you. You will always be a part of our family. I love you so much and miss you. I love you little wings. Love Mummy.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Rodney months ago bought a box of nappies that were to small for Cody, when we realised I said, it doesn't matter we can keep them for Harrison. Well I returned them to the shops yesterday. The lady at the counter was giving me a bit of grief because I didn't have a receipt. I walked away and cried because if I had a choice, I would have rathered kept the nappies and used them, how do you say to someone, a stranger, that my baby has died and I can't use them. You just want to scream at some people. I am sure they think that you are trying to scam them,
Yesterday I went and saw my friend who has had her baby. He was gorgeous. I decided not to hold him, I just couldn't. The last new born baby that I held was my son and that is where he died, in my arms. It is just to hard to see a little baby, I just wanted Harrison in my arms again so badly. Life just doesn't seem fair. I wish I could be up all night with Harrison, having a good night sleep is over rated. I would give anything to hear my baby crying at night. I would give anything to give Harrison a hug.
People say all the time, it will get better, well they obviously haven't lost a baby, because it certainly doesn't feel like it is getting better. I know the pain changes eventually. But you have constant reminders all around of what I don't have.

Harrison my sweet little boy, I love you. Blowing you kisses and sending you the biggest of hugs. I bought the boys presents for Christmas from you. I hope you like what I bought them. I wanted to get them all something they would think was extra awesome, so it is special. I wish you were here so you could see out Christmas tree, you could be sitting in your little rocker watching the lights twinkle. You are missed. Love you. Love Mummy

Friday, December 3, 2010

How do I go on.....

You can shed tears that he is gone, or you can smile because he has lived.You can close your eyes and pray that he'll come back, or you can open your eyes and see all he's left. Your heart can be empty because you can't see him, or you can be full of the love you shared.You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday, or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday. You can remember him only that he is gone, or you can cherish his memory and let it live on. You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back or you can do what he would want; smile and open your eyes, love and go on.
David Hawkins British Poet.
I like this poem, but I am not that strong yet to do these things. All I feel is the pain and the sorrow, and the hollowness of my heart. I do love though, I love my 3 gorgeous boys, and my 4th beautiful baby, who will always be remembered as baby Harrison. You are my angel now. Though I wish I had you here with me.
I miss you dearly baby boy. Mummy loves you. Your big brothers send you hugs and kisses.

Our donated bear in Memory of Harrison

This is Harrisons bear that we donated to the hospital, and one of the tags that I have made up for the hospital. I am making these tags for them so that people who are given them know that the bear has been donated in the memory of another baby. This is Harrison's little bear. I wish nobody has to go through what we went through with Harrison. As much as I want Harrison's memory to go on, I wish no one would have to receive Harrison's bear. My heart breaks for all those people out there in that situation.
When you go through what we have been through, it changes your view on the world, and the people in it. Even now who I thought were friends aren't. Then those that weren't great friends are. I have noticed now those that I feel like I can talk about Harrison to I want to spend more time with because they seem to understand that he is a part of my life and always will be. Those that I feel like I can't you tend to move away from.
I guess a tragedy like this makes and breaks alot of relationships. It causes pain on top of pain, and everything gets to hard.
I love you Harrison

Wednesday, December 1, 2010


It has not long ago rained, and I was laying in bed, I can hear the frogs croaking, and the crickets singing, I can imagine the stars in the sky. The sky with all those star just seems so big and so vast, where does earth end and heaven begin? Sometimes I feel that Harrison is really close to me and there are nights like tonight where I feel like he is so far away.
I went up to the hospital today to give them more cards to go on the teddy bear, last time I went there, It made me feel closer to Harrison. This time it didn't have that same effect. I went to visit my midwife, Gina. It was so nice to see her. I must admit going back there it made me remember what those midwife/ultrasounds/appointments with specialist were like. It seems so long ago that I was pregnant. I wish I could go back being pregnant with Harrison, at least I knew he was ok. I wish I could have just one more day of having him kick me and move around, just to have a moment of hope that maybe he would survive. I would give anything for that feeling of being niave that it doesn't happen to people like me. Just one moment of taking away this feeling of sadness, and feeling like I am mssing a chunck of my heart. As I left the hospital I got in the elevator to go and we stopped at level 6. (level 6 is the baby ICU where Harrison was) a part of me wanted to jump out of the lift. A part of me wanted to run to where he was and just check to make sure he wasn't there. Just in case it wasn't all wrong. I know that isn't rational thinking. But when you lose a baby, you begin to question everything. You question God, you question everything Why Harrison? Why me? I can't even begin to explain, the loss that I feel. It has been 11 weeks. 11 weeks of the most unbearable sadness, the worse of all losses. After losing a baby, you look at pregnant women differently, and it is hard to look at new born babies. Everything in your life changes, your whole thought pattern everything. I am so mad at the world, so hurt. This wound will never heal. The bleeding will never stop.

Harrison if I could have taken your place I would have. You deserved a life, a life of love, and of happiness and laughter. Your life was only 28 hours. I am sure those 28 hours were hard for you. I am sorry I couldn't fix you, or make it go away. I am sorry I couldn't give you a hug and make it all feel better. I am so sorry I couldn't put a bandaid or give your hurt a kiss, and kiss it away. I love you my little son. I wish I could hold you and hug you and tell you everything is going to be ok. I am sending kisses and hugs to you with loads of love. I love you Harrison. Love Mummy

Harrison's Littlle wings Charity

I have started up a charity in Harrison's memory. I am trying to get scrapbookers from all over the country to do 6x6 layouts for a baby, boy or girl and send them to me. I am then raising money to buy albums so these layouts can go into them. These albums will then be taken up to the hospital for other mums who have lost their precious babies. This is a layout I have done up of Harrison. I have done a whole album up for him. For more information go to Also I would love to be able to raise enough money that we can give a cash donation to the Hospital where Harrison was born. Maybe his charity can raise enough money to buy something that may save a baby in his condition.

I am off to the hospital today to hand the little cards that I have been doing for them. I feel like at the moment it seems a life time ago that Harrison was born. Sometimes it feels as though it never happened. I want to wake from this horrible dream.

I miss you my dear Harrison, my little wings. You have taken a piece of me with you, I love you

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

I miss you, just like every other day

My friend had her baby yesterday. She called me to let me know. You become really torn when it comes to those sorts of topics. You are really happy for them, and relieved they made it into this world safely, but then it also brings up what you don't have. I don't have Harrison here with me in my arms. 11 weeks today Harrison was born. I have never really been a week counter, only when I am pregnant, and usually once December comes around, the count is on untill Christmas. Though with Harrison the weeks seem to be going so quickly, but yet the sadness that I feel seems to be as strong and just as heartbreaking from when I first had him. I wonder what he is doing up in Heaven. Does he think about me. Does he remember me? I wish someone could tell me these answers, I guess one day I will find out, but I wish I had them now. Some say things happen for a reason, well I don't understand why this needs to happen at all.

Harrison just like every other day, I miss you and I love you. Love mummy

Monday, November 29, 2010

If love alone could have saved you, you would have never had died.

You never said "im leaving"
You never said goodbye
You were gone before i knew it
and only god knew why
A million times i need you
A million times i cried
if love alone could have saved you
you never would have died
In life I loved you dearly
in death I love you still
in my heart you hold a place
that no one could ever fill
It broke my heart to lose you
but you didnt go alone
for part of me went with you
the day god took you home

Author Unkown.
We put up the Christmas tree last night, it made me really sad. I put Harrisons Christmas Angel ball up. I cried. Sometimes I feel like such a fraud,, the boys were jumping around being all excited, but it is moments like these that make me feel empty, and a piece of me missing. I looked around and thought if Harrison was here he would be in his little rocker why we do this. Our Harrison isn't here, he isn't in his rocker, we have four boys, but we are down 1. I didn't let the boys see me sad. I didn't want them to worry, and to be sad at a moment that should be happy.
Harrison I love you so much. I love you with all my heart and you are so very missed

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Harrison's Angel Ornament

Harrison's Angel ornament came in the mail last week, I really love it. Thank you so much Rebecca for doing these gorgous Christmas ornaments.
We are putting up the tree this week, so I will be hanging this ornament up in a special place on the tree, up high enough so that Cody can't pull on it. Harrison is my baby angel.

I miss you my sweet baby boy. Thinking of you always. With much love Mummy.

Friday, November 26, 2010

A house full of flowers

When Harrison died, I had a house full of flowers. It changed my perspective on flowers. They were beautiful, don't get me wrong, but they all died. And that made me so sad. Another thing dying. Some people sent me orchids plants, they are gorgeous, In the note they wrote how the orchids flower at the same time every year, and that time is when Harrison is born. I really love that, then I went into a panic that I didn't want these plants to die. So far they are going fine. I look at these plants and think of him, As much as I love flowers I never want a house of flowers again. We had friends over for dinner and they were telling us of a friend of theres that wanted a house full of flowers, her daughter died in her 20's or so. She said she got her house of flowers then, and she to didn't want a house of flowers ever again.
I miss Harrison so much, he like my 3 other boys are my shining lights, and so precious. It just doesn't seem far that Me and Rodney are left without our son, and my son's are left without a brother.
I love you Harrison, I hope the angels are singing to you and playing games with you. Sending you kisses and hugs. Mummy Loves you.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

you will never be forgotten

Harrison I will never forget you. You were just so precious. I had to go to the PA hospital to be admitted for allergy testing today. When I had Harrison I had an allergic reaction to something that they gave me. Well it sent me into a bit of a mess. Just going to a hospital and having to be admitted just made me miss Harrison. I started crying driving there. Standing in line to be admitted I was crying. I am sure all the people at the desk thought I was some crazy lady. It was hard, last time I was admitted into a hospital was to have Harrison. It's the whole hospital environment makes me think of my little angel.

You will never be forgotten
written by Jessica Andrews
I'll always see your face
the corner of your smile
And all the little things that no one will ever know
Like it was yesterday, won't ever fade away
Goodbye is just a word I will never say
You will never be forgotten
A million days could pass us by
But what is time but just a dream
Oh I still feel you here with me
Your more then just a memory
Oh you will never be forgotten.
I can't hold your hand
or look into your eyes
And when I talk to you
It just echoes in my mind
But if hearts are made of dust
And if we fell from the stars
I look up tonight and know just where you are
You will never be forgotten
A million days could pass us by
But what is time but just a dream
Oh I still feel you here with me
You are more then just a memory
Oh you will never be forgotten
And the world just keeps on going
It has no way of knowing
That you are gone.
I met another girl tonight at Sands a support group for those that have lost babies, who had a baby with Diaphragmatic Hernia. It was so nice to meet someone that went through what we did. Knowing your baby is sick, and having 20 weeks of hope and hell. Hope that your baby is going to go ok, and hell not knowing what is going to happen, and to go on with life.
It is strange, most people look at pregnant people and just think that everything is so happy. It just seems to be this natural thing that all pregnancies go well. People just presume. I remember a sales lady say to me 'As long as your baby is healthy' I am a private person, so I am not the sort of person that wanted to go into detail with someone I didn't know about Harrison, I stood there while she kept going on about as long as they were healthy, a part of me wanted to scream at her, My baby isn't healthy. He is sick. That phrase has a whole different meaning to it now.
It is strange, while I was pregnant with Harrison I did believe he was going to be ok. I wonder now if it was a coping mechanism. I also think you have this underlying thing that sort of stuff doesn't happen to me, so you push it away. I had the allergist today say to me, well we will test you for this, but it is a 1:5000 chance. I told him that with my luck I would have it, as Harrison had the same odds and look now.

The school year is also finishing. I am not coping very well with this. I use to be good with goodbyes, but since having Harrison, I am not. One of my closest friends is taking her daughter out of the school. They still will be local and it is not that I won't get to see her, but it is an end to something. Her daughter and Jordy went to prep together, and she is one of my best friends. So it is hard for me because school now won't be the same again. Honestly she is one of the people that I wouldn't have gotten through the last 6 months if I didn't have her. So I am very sad, and it makes it worst because I don't ever want to have to say goodbye to anyone any more. Saying goodbye to my son was the hardest thing I will ever have to do. The whole thought of having to say another goodbye is to much to bear. Even if I know it isn't a permanant one like Harrisons.

I miss you my sweet angel. Oh god I miss you. Loving you always. Hugs and kisses from Mummy.

Monday, November 22, 2010

I have a broken heart

My Mum is a survivor
Written by; Kay Des'Ormeaux
My mum is a survivor, or so I have heard it said..
But I can hear her crying at night, when all others are in bed
I watch her lay awake at night, and go to hold her hand....
She does not know I am with her, to help her understand.
But like the sands on the beach, that never wash away....
I watch over my surviving mum, who thinks of me each day.
She wears a smile for others....a smile of disguise.
But through Heavens doors I see.... tears flowing from her eyes.
My mum tries to cope with death, to keep my memory alive...
But anyone that truely knows her, Knows it is her way to survive.
As I watch over my surviving mum, through Heavens open door...
I try to tell her that angels protect me forevermore.
I know that does not help her, or erase the burden that she bears...
So if you get a chance, go visit her.....and show her that you care.
For no matter what she matter what she feels...
My surviving mum has a broken heart, that time will never heal.
I found this poem on a web site, I like to think Harrison would be looking through Heaven's doors, seeing me, trying so hard to keep his memory alive, I can't help to have a broken heart. I always will, untill the day I can hold him in my arms again. I am blessed to have 3 beautiful boys I know need me and I love dearly. Each of my boys have a piece of my heart, but unfortunately there is one missing.
I love you Harrison. Sending you loads of hugs and kisses. Wishing you were here.
With much love Mummy.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

I found this web site that has bereavement poems, and there was a section there for those that have lost babies and children. I have found a few poems that I thought really sumed up how I feel. Sometimes it is so hard to explain to people how you are feeling, and if you have read this blog, it can be the smallest thing that sends you into this abyss of sadness, and sorrow. Here is one of the poems I found there.

I'm An Angel Now

One night I cried to Jesus as I sat beneath a tree, I looked into the open sky and hoped he'd answer me...... I'm lost dear Lord, I've travelled far, but still I seem to roam. Please light the way and lead me Lord, I need to get back home....

I told him of my burdens, and the sadness in my heart. That from his gracious love, I'd never felt so far apart... Why did you take my child Lord? I cannot understand! No longer can I touch his face, or hold his tiny hand...

I am angry Lord, I'm missing him, I'm drowning in my sorrow Please help to heal my yesterday and face each new tomorrow.... It was then I heard his gently voice and felt his presence near How I wanted to hold him as I cried another tear...

He said Mummy, I am an angel now my spirit will be free I'm an angel now in heaven, so please don't cry for me I was choosen by our Lord above and now I am in his care When you need me, look inside your heart, I promise to be there

No one can ever take away our bond with one another For I will always be your precious child, as you will be my mother So if you cannot find your way, or the road to home seems far Just look up to the heavens.....and I will be your guiding star

He said 'Mummy, I am an angel now, my spirit will be free I'm an angel now in heaven, no need to cry for me....'

Written by Janice Grogen

I don't think it is possible to ever be able to stop crying for your child that is gone. I know I will never stop crying for Harrison. I know there will always be a piece of my heart that is missing. It will never go away this ache, this pain will be with me forever. It has left a scar on my life. I miss him so much, I never thought you could miss someone so much, someone who I only saw for 28 hours. But I knew for 9 months. 9 months of an unbreakable love that will never ever go away.

I love you Harrison.

Hearing your name

I was at a birthday party for a 2 year old yesterday, I got talking to a girl and she pointed out her little boy, who was 2 weeks older then my son Cody. I asked her her son's name and she said Harrison. My heart leapt in my throat and my first reaction was to say oh I have a son who is named Harrison. But I wasn't sure if that would start her asking questions, and the normal question is how old is he. I just didn't think it was the place or the time. I also don't think from the night before that I was stronge enough to answer those questions without crying. I had a couple of days of doing not to bad, now it is hard again, it is hard to not think about him and cry.
I have a girlfriend who has told me about this company the web site is and they do impressions on silver of foot and hand prints, and then put them on jewellery. They have also told her that they can take that impression of the footprints that they gave us from the hospital. You can also get keyrings and cuffs for guys. I love this idea. How beautiful. So I will be emailing Harrison's image of his foorprints down to her. I can't wait to see how it turns out. I will keep you posted.
I love you Harrison. Mummy sends kisses and hugs to you.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

It hit me yesterday

Yesterday afternoon, I had left a girlfriends place and was on my way to school to pick up my 2 older boys, as I was driving along a saw a women walking down the road, she had this gorgeous baby boy, who looked about how old Harrison would have been. He was up over her shoulder and he was just holding his little head up, and he was dressed in a very cute outfit. Well it was like I had been hit with a truck. I was overwhelmed with the most uncontrollable grief. I started to cry. I just thought that is what Harrison would be doing.
Then I got to school I tried to contain myself, walked in Cody went and played on the playground, he is starting to get to that age now where he happily goes plays and doesn't need me to stand right beside him. I sat there thinking how it would have been ok if Harrison was here. I would have been able to have Cody playing on the playground and I could have been feeding Harrison. Then reality strucks again and you realise that is going to happen. This made me so upset. I am usually someone who won't get emotional in publie. Then a girlfriend came up to me and asked how I was, I just started to cry, I explained to her about the baby. I lost it, It came out of left field for me. It had to be the day my son wanted me to wait for him and not meet him at the car, so I sat there trying to fight tears back untill the bell rang. I just needed to leave and get out of there. I just wanted my family together, Harrison with us.
Harrison I love you. I miss you. I miss you so very much.

Friday, November 19, 2010

We love you....

I stared at you all day the day that you were dying. trying to take every little thing in. It was hard to stop crying to try and take in all those things. There are moments like last night that I just want to scream why!!!! While I am pregnant I don't drink, I don't smoke at all, I don't even like to take a panadol while I am pregnant. Why did it happen to me?? You hear of mothers that smoke, some do drugs, some people drink and there babies are born healthy, and not that I am wishing it upon any one what happened to Harrison, but sometimes the world doesn't make any sense. My hubby works, we can support 4 children, we love our children dearly and would do anything for them. I just don't understand.
Alot of people ask me if we are going to have another one. I don't know. I didn't want a big age gap, as all the other boys have large age gaps, so when Harrison came along I thought that was great as I wouldn't have the age gap like the other boys. (the age gap has been by choice) Now if I was to have a baby, our son will nearly be 3, we will still have a reasonable age gap. I don't know. A part of me thinks it would be to hard. I am not sure on that question.
God tell my little boy that he is so missed, and loved so much.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

I found this poem and it explains everything, people say the strangest things, or they don't talk about Harrison at all. When people do that it is like they are denying his existance. I want people to talk to me about Harrison. When I hear his name it makes my heart race. Even though I am still full of sadness, I want the world to know he was here. I want the world to know he was here for 28 hours and those 28 hours was life altering for me. Those 28 hours were the longest and the shortest 28 hours. So if you know someone who is grieving, talk to them. Even just tell them your sorry. If talking is to hard write them a letter. this poem says it all.
Don't Tell Me
Please don't tell me you know how I feel,
Unless you have lost your child too,
Please don't tell me my broken heart will heal,
Because that is just not true,
Please don't tell me my son is in a better place,
Though it is true,
I want him here with me,
Don't tell me someday I'll hear his voice,
see his face,Beyond today I cannot see,
Don?t tell me it is time to move on,
Because I cannot,
Don?t tell me to face the fact he is gone,
Because denial is something I can't stop,
Don't tell me to be thankful for the time I had,
Because I wanted more,
Don't tell me when I am my old self you will be glad,
I'll never be as I was before,
What you can tell me is you will be here for me,
That you will listen when I talk of my child,
You can share with me my precious memories,
You can even cry with me for a while,
And please don't hesitate to say his name,
Because it is something I long to hear everyday,
Friend please realize that I can never be the same,
But if you stand by me,
you may like the new person I become someday.
Judi Walker(In Memory of Shane)Copyright 1998
People tell me at times how Harrisons story is so sad and they don't want to cry in front of me because they don't want to get me upset. I don't mind you crying in front of me, I think of it as you are crying with me. What happened to Harrison is a tragedy, and it shouldn't happen. Bt do understand the pain that you feel for me is only a fraction of what I feel. Like the poem says don't tell me to get over it because I never will. Also don't tell me how to grieve because I need to he was my son.
When my babies are placed in my arms you fall in love. It is the deepest, most overwhelming love that you can possibly imagine. This is your baby who you would give anything for, give up your life for. I think most mothers would know that love, and it is hard to explain to those that don't have children. Harrison was placed in my arms and I only got to hold him for about 1 and a half hours before he died. That is my definition of torture. Your baby taken away from you who you love so dearly. And only mothers that have lost there children know how that feels.
Harrison I miss you, every day. I love you. Love Mummy

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Watching you struggle

When I went down to see Harrison the 2nd time that night, he was flinging his little hands around, it was so hard as one time when he flung his little arm around, he knocked the tube next to him and it looked as though it hurt him because he seemed to try and let out a cry, but with all the tubes in and the ventilator tube in his mouth he couldn't, It was o hard to watch that, especially as a mother you just want to pick up your baby and give them a hug. He was such a little fighter. I remember sitting there with him and he was very restless, and I was holding his little leg, that is all I could do. Then his brothers came down, and I remember watching him calm down when we were all there, I am sure he could hear us, and that comforted him, as he relaxed and by the time we left he had fallen asleep. He was just so perfect.
This world is just such a crazy place. I don't think I will ever be able to understand why things happen, some people beliieve things happen to you for a reason, God doesn't give you anything that you can't handle. Things make you stronger. Some say that God doesn't give us this, this is just what happens from life. I guess I am never going to get any answers. I just know that I loved Harrison, and wanted him so much, and there is nothing worse then to watch a little baby struggle and then have to watch him die. If God is a loving God, I don't think he would do that, to Harrison or to me. So I have to believe this is the way the world is.
Harrison I miss you, I often think about what we would be doing now if you were alive, how different life would be with you and your brothers all demanding attention. I am on my toes now, so I am sure I would have been really busy, though I much rather that then to have you gone. I miss you little sweet boy. 28hours was just not enough, that day is relived over and over. I love you Harrison more then anything. Love Mummy

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

I wish I had you here

My dear Harrison, I never realised that morning when I got up out of the hospital bed to finally go see you, that it would be the only day I would spend with you. I feel like there was so much wasted time. I should have been with you through the night. I know Daddy was there with you, but it is almost like you hung on untill I got there, it is almost like you knew I wanted a day. I said while I was pregnant with you if I only got a day, that day was going to be mine. You held on for me, thank you my sweet little boy. You gave me my day. Except I wish we had longer to spend together. I love you so much, you were so perfect, and so beautiful, how could things go so horribly wrong? You had the softest of hair. You had hair like your brother Cody, both of you were dark. You also had cheeks like your brother Cody, really chubby and beautiful. We talk about you often, so does your brothers. Donovan finds it harder to talk about you. He gets so sad, Jordy talks about you regularly. We got pictures on the boys walls so they can see you. Cody knows your photo is in my locket, held close to my heart. I love you more then anything. Loads of kisses and hugs my little wings. Love Mummy
When I was pregnant with Harrison, I wasn't sure how long he would live, I was hoping and praying that he would be ok. I always said that if he lived for 2 hours I wanted those 2 hours to be mine. If he lived a day I wanted that day to be mine. I look back on that day and think how he hung on all night for me to come down, and then while I was there throughout the day he slipped away. I always felt that if he was to die, I would be there for him. That is the hardest thing holding your baby knowing they are dying in your arms and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. Knowing there is nothing anyone could do about it. As much as that was so hard for me and I will never forget that moment, I know you died listeniing to my heart beat, I held you so close, I just so badly wanted you to know I was with you. I just wanted to take away your pain. I talk about you everyday. I will never forget you, I love you.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Your little toes

I finally got a baby that took after me with something. (the other boys are spitting images of Rodney.) Harrison had my feet, and his little toe that curled in, is exactly like my feet. He also had my narrow feet. His were long though. That is one thing I paid attention to was his hands and toes. I held his hand for a long time, the day he was dying, I so desperately wanted him to know I was there. I love baby hands and feet, they just look so beautiful. Harrison had the longest fingers. I was so glad that the photographer, Jenny Ruddle, took these photos of his feet and cuptured the detail.
I can't begin to explain the loss I feel. It is like this overwhelming hurt in the heart, it is almost like your heart will tear apart and shatter into a million pieces. I miss him so much, every day, every hour, every minute he is missed. I love you Harrison, sending hugs and kisses to you. Love Mummy

Sunday, November 14, 2010

I know Everything I do, Harrison influences it. Evrey decision, and alot of the time, when it is quiet every thought, is of Harrison. I love my 3 other boys dearly, and trust me they demand all my attention, but when they are asleep I think of Harrison. I found this quote the other day, and it is so true, I know how Harrison has left an imprint on my soul
I know for certain that we never lose the people we love, even to death. They continue to participate in every act, thought and decision we make. Their love leaves an indelible imprint in our memories. We find comfort in knowing that our lives have been enriched by having shared their love.
Leo Buscaglia
I believe in God and Heaven, I often wonder what Harrison is doing. I know he would be happy, he has no pain, which his life down here must have been painful. Harrison kept wanting to breath over the venilators, which they don't like them doing, as they need the ventilators to do what they are suppose to do, so they had to give Harrison drugs, they said this particular drug paralyzes him so he wouldn't do that. I wonder could he hear us, did he know we were there? My sweet little boy, I hope you are laughing up in heaven, and the angels are playing with you, I hope they sing to you when you go to sleep. I can imagine a beautiful field with the most unbelievable flowers that are so pretty. I hope God sits you on his lap and tells you stories. I also hope he passes on my messages from me. I miss you little man, I love you.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

How do you pick yourself up....

How do you pick yourself up from losing your child. I put on 15kg through pregnancy, from the stress, I am an emotinal eater. My whole philosiphy was that, once he was born, I would focus on it then, I would be breastfeeding, and I will do it then. I never prepared myself for that he wouldn't make it and then now I am left with pain, and I just want to eat. So now I am 15kg heavier, and you don't mind those things if you have your baby to look at, but now I am left with such sadness, missing my son, and now fat, not fitting in any clothes. It is like another slap in the face. I lost 30kgs before I had Harrison, I was in the best shape I have ever been in, I was extremely fit. It just goes to show it doesn't matter what shape you are in, it doesn't mean anything. When I was pregnant with Cody, I was huge, and very unhealthy and unfit. Look at him, he is a perfectly healthy little boy. That also makes me so frustrated and angry, doctors constantly tell you you should look after yourself and if you are fit, you shouldn't have as many health problems, well I was fit and healthy and my baby wasn't able to make it. A part of me thinks why bother being fit and healthy?? It didn't do Harrison any good. It is so hard to concentrate on yourself, losing weight consumes everything I have because it is hard work for me. At the moment Harrison consumes me, I just don't know how to do it. I just wish I had him here. Sending a kiss and hug to you Harrison. I love you and miss you terribly. Love Mummy

Friday, November 12, 2010

In memory of you Harrison

I have been doing some charity work for the hospital that looked after Harrison, The Mater Brisbane Australia. Some families that lose babies donate a bear back to the Mater to pass on to another family who losses a baby. I love scrapbooking so I have made up cards for the Mater to hang on the bear, with a beautiful poem and then in memory of...
Harrison is going to be the first bear to get one of the cards pinned on. The cards are in the photo. There is a butterfly on the front as the hospital uses the butterfly symbol for grieving families. So when I lost Harrison a butterfly was put on my door to tell all hospital staff that I had lost my baby. This stops staff coming into your room congratulating you about your baby. Especially when your baby is in the nursury you do go to a particular floor that doesn't have alot of babies, and all you have is a photo. So I am going up to the Mater today to take some of these cards up, and Harrisons bear.
I miss you Harrison. Like always, I wish you were here, to give you a cuddle and a kiss. Please God tell him I love him. Surely that is the least you could do for me!

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Wishing you were here

I have a busy day today, and sometimes that is good and others it isn't. I am still kind of trying to figure out what day it is today, a good one or a bad one.
I am trying to figure out what to do for Harrison for Christmas. Christmas is doing my head in. Through my pregnancy with Harrison, thinking he would do ok, I was just hoping he would get out of hospital for Christmas. So Christmas was my goal post. Now as it creeps up it is a reminder of what I don't have with me. I want to do something special, I am going to be getting him an ornament like I said in my entry a few days ago but I kind of wanted to do something special.
I found this quote the other day and the more people I talk to I realise that Harrison's death has affected more people then I realised, so when I read this quote, I thought it was really true,
The death of a baby is like a stone cast into the stillness of a quiet pool;the concentric ripples of despair sweep out in all directions,affecting many, many people.--De Frain, 1991
I miss you today, like every other day Harrison, I love you.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

The sweetest little boy

My beautiful Harrison, I look at his photos, the most treasured things I have to remember him by. My cousin Holly has written a really beautiufl poem for Harrison, she wrote it 3 days after Harrison died. I miss Harrison so very much, not many words can explain how much you miss your baby after they die.

Ten Fingers and Ten toes
Ten tiny fingers and ten little toes
why he couldn't stay, nobody knows
Two little ears and two beautiful eyes
So many questions and so many whys
It doesn't seem right, certainatly not fair
With mum studying his face, even every hair
Tears flow around the room
A little life taken, far to soon
It will take time, for these hearts to mend
This gorgeous angel, was only on lend
A devoted mother feels ripped of
As she touches his skin so soft
Harrison has a higher purpose at Gods throne
Ment to be greater then flesh and bone
Forever remembered xxxxxxxx
By Holly Clarke

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Christmas Angel Babies

When I went to Sands - the support group, we got talking about Christmas and I mentioned how I wanted to buy Harrison an ornament every year and one of the girls mentioned these ornaments. Rebecca Templemans is selling them via facebook. I think they are absolutely gorgeous, they are also personalised with your babies name. I am getting one for Harrison. He is my baby angel and I thought it was very fitting for Christmas. I will take a photo of Harrisons once I receive it.