Thursday, December 30, 2010
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Monday, December 27, 2010
It was almost like she knew i was missing someone and I needed this hug. So I believe those hugs were from Harrison.
I miss him so much. It made me sad, the people with us on Christmas day didn't really talk about him. That was hard I am not sure if people understood how hard that day was for me in that way. My son died only 3 and a half months ago and it was suppose to be his first Christmas. Babies first Christmas are usually so special, so the loss on their first Christmas is even harder. I missed him so much, my heart feels like it is almost breaking again.
Friday, December 24, 2010
It's Donovan (my eldest son) birthday today, I love birthdays, but these days there is an element of sadness as well. Harrison isn't here with us to celebrate, and these times when it is such a family time it really hits home that he isn't here.I have decided on birthdays that we will include Harrison and now Harrison gives a birthday present and a christmas present to the boys At least by doing this I feel like he is still remembered by the boys in an exciting way, and that he is still some what included in our family, especially those special days
I have this internal battle, I love Christmas, but a part of me just doesn't want to do Christmas. In some ways it is just to happy and so family orientated I don't have all my family with me, my little boy is an angel in heaven, but I want him here.
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Monday, December 20, 2010
Come and join us for a day of scrapbooking. We are having a crop day to raise money to scrapbook the little 6x6 albums for other families that have lost babies. Also on this day you are welcome to scrap some layouts to go into the albums. We are going to have loads of goodies. Sam Hauzer will also be teaching a class. Limited seats available, so please contact me via email on firstname.lastname@example.org
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Friday, December 17, 2010
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Monday, December 13, 2010
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
I am going away for a few days with my boys. It is just anohter family event that he isn't here or. I guess I have to look at it that he is in my heart and with us that way. The boys are getting Santa photos done this morning. I will be taking Harrison's photo with me. He will be sitting on Santas lap to.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Monday, December 6, 2010
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Yesterday I went and saw my friend who has had her baby. He was gorgeous. I decided not to hold him, I just couldn't. The last new born baby that I held was my son and that is where he died, in my arms. It is just to hard to see a little baby, I just wanted Harrison in my arms again so badly. Life just doesn't seem fair. I wish I could be up all night with Harrison, having a good night sleep is over rated. I would give anything to hear my baby crying at night. I would give anything to give Harrison a hug.
People say all the time, it will get better, well they obviously haven't lost a baby, because it certainly doesn't feel like it is getting better. I know the pain changes eventually. But you have constant reminders all around of what I don't have.
Friday, December 3, 2010
David Hawkins British Poet.
When you go through what we have been through, it changes your view on the world, and the people in it. Even now who I thought were friends aren't. Then those that weren't great friends are. I have noticed now those that I feel like I can talk about Harrison to I want to spend more time with because they seem to understand that he is a part of my life and always will be. Those that I feel like I can't you tend to move away from.
I guess a tragedy like this makes and breaks alot of relationships. It causes pain on top of pain, and everything gets to hard.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
I went up to the hospital today to give them more cards to go on the teddy bear, last time I went there, It made me feel closer to Harrison. This time it didn't have that same effect. I went to visit my midwife, Gina. It was so nice to see her. I must admit going back there it made me remember what those midwife/ultrasounds/appointments with specialist were like. It seems so long ago that I was pregnant. I wish I could go back being pregnant with Harrison, at least I knew he was ok. I wish I could have just one more day of having him kick me and move around, just to have a moment of hope that maybe he would survive. I would give anything for that feeling of being niave that it doesn't happen to people like me. Just one moment of taking away this feeling of sadness, and feeling like I am mssing a chunck of my heart. As I left the hospital I got in the elevator to go and we stopped at level 6. (level 6 is the baby ICU where Harrison was) a part of me wanted to jump out of the lift. A part of me wanted to run to where he was and just check to make sure he wasn't there. Just in case it wasn't all wrong. I know that isn't rational thinking. But when you lose a baby, you begin to question everything. You question God, you question everything Why Harrison? Why me? I can't even begin to explain, the loss that I feel. It has been 11 weeks. 11 weeks of the most unbearable sadness, the worse of all losses. After losing a baby, you look at pregnant women differently, and it is hard to look at new born babies. Everything in your life changes, your whole thought pattern everything. I am so mad at the world, so hurt. This wound will never heal. The bleeding will never stop.
I am off to the hospital today to hand the little cards that I have been doing for them. I feel like at the moment it seems a life time ago that Harrison was born. Sometimes it feels as though it never happened. I want to wake from this horrible dream.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Harrison just like every other day, I miss you and I love you. Love mummy
Monday, November 29, 2010
You never said goodbye
You were gone before i knew it
and only god knew why
A million times i need you
A million times i cried
if love alone could have saved you
you never would have died
In life I loved you dearly
in death I love you still
in my heart you hold a place
that no one could ever fill
It broke my heart to lose you
but you didnt go alone
for part of me went with you
the day god took you home
Sunday, November 28, 2010
We are putting up the tree this week, so I will be hanging this ornament up in a special place on the tree, up high enough so that Cody can't pull on it. Harrison is my baby angel.
I miss you my sweet baby boy. Thinking of you always. With much love Mummy.
Friday, November 26, 2010
When Harrison died, I had a house full of flowers. It changed my perspective on flowers. They were beautiful, don't get me wrong, but they all died. And that made me so sad. Another thing dying. Some people sent me orchids plants, they are gorgeous, In the note they wrote how the orchids flower at the same time every year, and that time is when Harrison is born. I really love that, then I went into a panic that I didn't want these plants to die. So far they are going fine. I look at these plants and think of him, As much as I love flowers I never want a house of flowers again. We had friends over for dinner and they were telling us of a friend of theres that wanted a house full of flowers, her daughter died in her 20's or so. She said she got her house of flowers then, and she to didn't want a house of flowers ever again.
I miss Harrison so much, he like my 3 other boys are my shining lights, and so precious. It just doesn't seem far that Me and Rodney are left without our son, and my son's are left without a brother.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Harrison I will never forget you. You were just so precious. I had to go to the PA hospital to be admitted for allergy testing today. When I had Harrison I had an allergic reaction to something that they gave me. Well it sent me into a bit of a mess. Just going to a hospital and having to be admitted just made me miss Harrison. I started crying driving there. Standing in line to be admitted I was crying. I am sure all the people at the desk thought I was some crazy lady. It was hard, last time I was admitted into a hospital was to have Harrison. It's the whole hospital environment makes me think of my little angel.
It is strange, most people look at pregnant people and just think that everything is so happy. It just seems to be this natural thing that all pregnancies go well. People just presume. I remember a sales lady say to me 'As long as your baby is healthy' I am a private person, so I am not the sort of person that wanted to go into detail with someone I didn't know about Harrison, I stood there while she kept going on about as long as they were healthy, a part of me wanted to scream at her, My baby isn't healthy. He is sick. That phrase has a whole different meaning to it now.
It is strange, while I was pregnant with Harrison I did believe he was going to be ok. I wonder now if it was a coping mechanism. I also think you have this underlying thing that sort of stuff doesn't happen to me, so you push it away. I had the allergist today say to me, well we will test you for this, but it is a 1:5000 chance. I told him that with my luck I would have it, as Harrison had the same odds and look now.
The school year is also finishing. I am not coping very well with this. I use to be good with goodbyes, but since having Harrison, I am not. One of my closest friends is taking her daughter out of the school. They still will be local and it is not that I won't get to see her, but it is an end to something. Her daughter and Jordy went to prep together, and she is one of my best friends. So it is hard for me because school now won't be the same again. Honestly she is one of the people that I wouldn't have gotten through the last 6 months if I didn't have her. So I am very sad, and it makes it worst because I don't ever want to have to say goodbye to anyone any more. Saying goodbye to my son was the hardest thing I will ever have to do. The whole thought of having to say another goodbye is to much to bear. Even if I know it isn't a permanant one like Harrisons.
Monday, November 22, 2010
Sunday, November 21, 2010
I found this web site that has bereavement poems, and there was a section there for those that have lost babies and children. I have found a few poems that I thought really sumed up how I feel. Sometimes it is so hard to explain to people how you are feeling, and if you have read this blog, it can be the smallest thing that sends you into this abyss of sadness, and sorrow. Here is one of the poems I found there.
I'm An Angel Now
One night I cried to Jesus as I sat beneath a tree, I looked into the open sky and hoped he'd answer me...... I'm lost dear Lord, I've travelled far, but still I seem to roam. Please light the way and lead me Lord, I need to get back home....
I told him of my burdens, and the sadness in my heart. That from his gracious love, I'd never felt so far apart... Why did you take my child Lord? I cannot understand! No longer can I touch his face, or hold his tiny hand...
I am angry Lord, I'm missing him, I'm drowning in my sorrow Please help to heal my yesterday and face each new tomorrow.... It was then I heard his gently voice and felt his presence near How I wanted to hold him as I cried another tear...
He said Mummy, I am an angel now my spirit will be free I'm an angel now in heaven, so please don't cry for me I was choosen by our Lord above and now I am in his care When you need me, look inside your heart, I promise to be there
No one can ever take away our bond with one another For I will always be your precious child, as you will be my mother So if you cannot find your way, or the road to home seems far Just look up to the heavens.....and I will be your guiding star
He said 'Mummy, I am an angel now, my spirit will be free I'm an angel now in heaven, no need to cry for me....'
Written by Janice Grogen
I don't think it is possible to ever be able to stop crying for your child that is gone. I know I will never stop crying for Harrison. I know there will always be a piece of my heart that is missing. It will never go away this ache, this pain will be with me forever. It has left a scar on my life. I miss him so much, I never thought you could miss someone so much, someone who I only saw for 28 hours. But I knew for 9 months. 9 months of an unbreakable love that will never ever go away.
I love you Harrison.
I have a girlfriend who has told me about this company the web site is www.smallp.com.au and they do impressions on silver of foot and hand prints, and then put them on jewellery. They have also told her that they can take that impression of the footprints that they gave us from the hospital. You can also get keyrings and cuffs for guys. I love this idea. How beautiful. So I will be emailing Harrison's image of his foorprints down to her. I can't wait to see how it turns out. I will keep you posted.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Yesterday afternoon, I had left a girlfriends place and was on my way to school to pick up my 2 older boys, as I was driving along a saw a women walking down the road, she had this gorgeous baby boy, who looked about how old Harrison would have been. He was up over her shoulder and he was just holding his little head up, and he was dressed in a very cute outfit. Well it was like I had been hit with a truck. I was overwhelmed with the most uncontrollable grief. I started to cry. I just thought that is what Harrison would be doing.
Then I got to school I tried to contain myself, walked in Cody went and played on the playground, he is starting to get to that age now where he happily goes plays and doesn't need me to stand right beside him. I sat there thinking how it would have been ok if Harrison was here. I would have been able to have Cody playing on the playground and I could have been feeding Harrison. Then reality strucks again and you realise that is going to happen. This made me so upset. I am usually someone who won't get emotional in publie. Then a girlfriend came up to me and asked how I was, I just started to cry, I explained to her about the baby. I lost it, It came out of left field for me. It had to be the day my son wanted me to wait for him and not meet him at the car, so I sat there trying to fight tears back untill the bell rang. I just needed to leave and get out of there. I just wanted my family together, Harrison with us.
Friday, November 19, 2010
I stared at you all day the day that you were dying. trying to take every little thing in. It was hard to stop crying to try and take in all those things. There are moments like last night that I just want to scream why!!!! While I am pregnant I don't drink, I don't smoke at all, I don't even like to take a panadol while I am pregnant. Why did it happen to me?? You hear of mothers that smoke, some do drugs, some people drink and there babies are born healthy, and not that I am wishing it upon any one what happened to Harrison, but sometimes the world doesn't make any sense. My hubby works, we can support 4 children, we love our children dearly and would do anything for them. I just don't understand.
Alot of people ask me if we are going to have another one. I don't know. I didn't want a big age gap, as all the other boys have large age gaps, so when Harrison came along I thought that was great as I wouldn't have the age gap like the other boys. (the age gap has been by choice) Now if I was to have a baby, our son will nearly be 3, we will still have a reasonable age gap. I don't know. A part of me thinks it would be to hard. I am not sure on that question.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Please don't tell me you know how I feel,
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Monday, November 15, 2010
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Friday, November 12, 2010
Thursday, November 11, 2010
I have a busy day today, and sometimes that is good and others it isn't. I am still kind of trying to figure out what day it is today, a good one or a bad one.
I am trying to figure out what to do for Harrison for Christmas. Christmas is doing my head in. Through my pregnancy with Harrison, thinking he would do ok, I was just hoping he would get out of hospital for Christmas. So Christmas was my goal post. Now as it creeps up it is a reminder of what I don't have with me. I want to do something special, I am going to be getting him an ornament like I said in my entry a few days ago but I kind of wanted to do something special.
I found this quote the other day and the more people I talk to I realise that Harrison's death has affected more people then I realised, so when I read this quote, I thought it was really true,
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
My beautiful Harrison, I look at his photos, the most treasured things I have to remember him by. My cousin Holly has written a really beautiufl poem for Harrison, she wrote it 3 days after Harrison died. I miss Harrison so very much, not many words can explain how much you miss your baby after they die.