Saturday, November 13, 2010

How do you pick yourself up....

How do you pick yourself up from losing your child. I put on 15kg through pregnancy, from the stress, I am an emotinal eater. My whole philosiphy was that, once he was born, I would focus on it then, I would be breastfeeding, and I will do it then. I never prepared myself for that he wouldn't make it and then now I am left with pain, and I just want to eat. So now I am 15kg heavier, and you don't mind those things if you have your baby to look at, but now I am left with such sadness, missing my son, and now fat, not fitting in any clothes. It is like another slap in the face. I lost 30kgs before I had Harrison, I was in the best shape I have ever been in, I was extremely fit. It just goes to show it doesn't matter what shape you are in, it doesn't mean anything. When I was pregnant with Cody, I was huge, and very unhealthy and unfit. Look at him, he is a perfectly healthy little boy. That also makes me so frustrated and angry, doctors constantly tell you you should look after yourself and if you are fit, you shouldn't have as many health problems, well I was fit and healthy and my baby wasn't able to make it. A part of me thinks why bother being fit and healthy?? It didn't do Harrison any good. It is so hard to concentrate on yourself, losing weight consumes everything I have because it is hard work for me. At the moment Harrison consumes me, I just don't know how to do it. I just wish I had him here. Sending a kiss and hug to you Harrison. I love you and miss you terribly. Love Mummy

1 comment:

  1. Mel i do not envy you at all.

    You have me in tears every little bit I read of your blog, and I feel so sorry for you and Rodney.

    And we can all tell you what you should do because this is what we think you should do, but it is probaly the worst thing to do, telling you I think.

    In your own time and only your own time normality will hopefully establish itself again in your beautiful home. the boys will be running around Yelling, screaming and laughing, and you will have a happy thought which will hopefully bring it all into perspective for you.

    I really really hope that this will be the case, and soon for your sake.

    And You do have to look after yourself wether you like hearing that or not because your other 3 boys and your husband depend on you. they all want the wife and mother back they once had.- You will never be the same and they know that, but they crave your happy smiles.

    Trust me I have been in that really really bad spot myself, where I could not see myself being of any benefit to anyone or myself. I had it all planned to end it all, then I thought about how sad my boys were going to be, How hurt my family was going to be becasue they could not be here to help me. I thought about how much I was going to miss out on not seeing them all grow up. I thought about heaps of things. But one thing came out of it, was that I had to help myself, I had to be strong, and i realised how much I loved them all. so why would I hurt them?

    And this is the hardest part, to realise how much you have to live for, and that Little Harrison will never be forgotten, because you know you will not.Ttry and look at the happy moments around you. Enjoy the boys laughter. Your body can wait until you find some happy time, and then you will find the spirit to tackle that body of yours. it is way too early yet, as you have to be in a good place to do so.

    Hang in there girl

    You can do it, and don't hesitate to talk to me if you need do. I am an outsider looking in, but i think most mothers have asked them selves at some stage " Why me?" You just more than a lot of others wants to know why me?