Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Can't sleep tonight

I can't sleep tonight. I have a million things going through my head People say it is going to get better, maybe some day it will, but at the moment it seems to get worse. I use to be able to sleep, the last few weeks I can't. It is like this roller coaster, and not a fun one either. One minute I am sad, another I will be so angry, other moments I am busy with the boys, then there are those moments where the house is quiet, which are rare, but that is where it hits hard. I went to a support group today, Sands, it is for people that lose babies. It was so sad to hear those stories. Heartbreaking. After going, it has made me reflect, I am not sure I am handling it as well as I thought. I guess it is easy to get busy with the boys and try not to dwell, but then like I have said before constant reminders. It is almost like you are trying to gasp for air, but never being able to take that deep breath that you need. There has been family that has been really supportive and others that haven't. It is really interesting to see who is there and who is not. And you know people who I would have said would be there for me a year ago, have not been there at all. People I didn't know a year ago, have come out of the wood work and been there for me. Harrison you are so missed.I wish I could hold you in my arms. Feel your little breath on my cheek. I felt a breeze today, a poem that I have put on this site says that Harrison is sending a kiss and a hug on a breeze. Everytime I feel a breeze I think that, so I stand in a breeze for as long as I can, or for as long as it last, to try and capture every little kiss and hug that may be sent to me by him. I love you Harrison. Love Mummy

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