Wednesday, November 24, 2010

you will never be forgotten

Harrison I will never forget you. You were just so precious. I had to go to the PA hospital to be admitted for allergy testing today. When I had Harrison I had an allergic reaction to something that they gave me. Well it sent me into a bit of a mess. Just going to a hospital and having to be admitted just made me miss Harrison. I started crying driving there. Standing in line to be admitted I was crying. I am sure all the people at the desk thought I was some crazy lady. It was hard, last time I was admitted into a hospital was to have Harrison. It's the whole hospital environment makes me think of my little angel.

You will never be forgotten
written by Jessica Andrews
I'll always see your face
the corner of your smile
And all the little things that no one will ever know
Like it was yesterday, won't ever fade away
Goodbye is just a word I will never say
You will never be forgotten
A million days could pass us by
But what is time but just a dream
Oh I still feel you here with me
Your more then just a memory
Oh you will never be forgotten.
I can't hold your hand
or look into your eyes
And when I talk to you
It just echoes in my mind
But if hearts are made of dust
And if we fell from the stars
I look up tonight and know just where you are
You will never be forgotten
A million days could pass us by
But what is time but just a dream
Oh I still feel you here with me
You are more then just a memory
Oh you will never be forgotten
And the world just keeps on going
It has no way of knowing
That you are gone.
I met another girl tonight at Sands a support group for those that have lost babies, who had a baby with Diaphragmatic Hernia. It was so nice to meet someone that went through what we did. Knowing your baby is sick, and having 20 weeks of hope and hell. Hope that your baby is going to go ok, and hell not knowing what is going to happen, and to go on with life.
It is strange, most people look at pregnant people and just think that everything is so happy. It just seems to be this natural thing that all pregnancies go well. People just presume. I remember a sales lady say to me 'As long as your baby is healthy' I am a private person, so I am not the sort of person that wanted to go into detail with someone I didn't know about Harrison, I stood there while she kept going on about as long as they were healthy, a part of me wanted to scream at her, My baby isn't healthy. He is sick. That phrase has a whole different meaning to it now.
It is strange, while I was pregnant with Harrison I did believe he was going to be ok. I wonder now if it was a coping mechanism. I also think you have this underlying thing that sort of stuff doesn't happen to me, so you push it away. I had the allergist today say to me, well we will test you for this, but it is a 1:5000 chance. I told him that with my luck I would have it, as Harrison had the same odds and look now.

The school year is also finishing. I am not coping very well with this. I use to be good with goodbyes, but since having Harrison, I am not. One of my closest friends is taking her daughter out of the school. They still will be local and it is not that I won't get to see her, but it is an end to something. Her daughter and Jordy went to prep together, and she is one of my best friends. So it is hard for me because school now won't be the same again. Honestly she is one of the people that I wouldn't have gotten through the last 6 months if I didn't have her. So I am very sad, and it makes it worst because I don't ever want to have to say goodbye to anyone any more. Saying goodbye to my son was the hardest thing I will ever have to do. The whole thought of having to say another goodbye is to much to bear. Even if I know it isn't a permanant one like Harrisons.

I miss you my sweet angel. Oh god I miss you. Loving you always. Hugs and kisses from Mummy.

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