Tuesday, November 16, 2010

I wish I had you here

My dear Harrison, I never realised that morning when I got up out of the hospital bed to finally go see you, that it would be the only day I would spend with you. I feel like there was so much wasted time. I should have been with you through the night. I know Daddy was there with you, but it is almost like you hung on untill I got there, it is almost like you knew I wanted a day. I said while I was pregnant with you if I only got a day, that day was going to be mine. You held on for me, thank you my sweet little boy. You gave me my day. Except I wish we had longer to spend together. I love you so much, you were so perfect, and so beautiful, how could things go so horribly wrong? You had the softest of hair. You had hair like your brother Cody, both of you were dark. You also had cheeks like your brother Cody, really chubby and beautiful. We talk about you often, so does your brothers. Donovan finds it harder to talk about you. He gets so sad, Jordy talks about you regularly. We got pictures on the boys walls so they can see you. Cody knows your photo is in my locket, held close to my heart. I love you more then anything. Loads of kisses and hugs my little wings. Love Mummy
When I was pregnant with Harrison, I wasn't sure how long he would live, I was hoping and praying that he would be ok. I always said that if he lived for 2 hours I wanted those 2 hours to be mine. If he lived a day I wanted that day to be mine. I look back on that day and think how he hung on all night for me to come down, and then while I was there throughout the day he slipped away. I always felt that if he was to die, I would be there for him. That is the hardest thing holding your baby knowing they are dying in your arms and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. Knowing there is nothing anyone could do about it. As much as that was so hard for me and I will never forget that moment, I know you died listeniing to my heart beat, I held you so close, I just so badly wanted you to know I was with you. I just wanted to take away your pain. I talk about you everyday. I will never forget you, I love you.

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