Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Mothers Day

Mothers Day was on the weekend, I was so emotional leading up to it, and I have been extremely emotional since. It was so hard, my husband was so lovely though he tried so hard to wait on me the whole day, he cooked up a storm in the kitchen, and made a massive mess, which kept my stress levels high. I missed Harrison so very much. I thought that I should have a nearly 8 month old snuggled in bed with me, waking me up early. My 8 year old was so excited, and I must admit, that made the day a little easier with his excitement it was hard to let my sadness for Harrison be to overwhelming and consuming because of his excitement. '
For Harrison's charity we did a photo shoot on Saturday, and our photographer that supports Harrison's Little Wings, she has a little girl with an incurable condition, and she bought her along, She is absolutely beautiful Ruby, I sat with her most the time, looking at her and watching her, she has a oxygen tube, and a feeding tube, and she makes me think of Harrison and how that could have been a possiblity for me, the oxygen tubes, and tanks. Tanya her mother is awesome and she carries on with so much strength, I often wonder would I have handled my 3 older boys and Harrison as well as she does. Harrison was constantly on my mind that day, just wondering, and wishing he was here. Wondering in a way that was cruel, would he have been really sick if he had survived? All the would haves and could be's, when you lose your baby you often wonder what could have been, you try not to but it is something most of us grieving mothers do. It isn't just the loss of your baby, but the loss of so many hopes and dreams that you have for your children.

Harrison, I miss you and love you. I hope you got my cuddles and kisses on Mothers Day. Love Mummy

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Life sometimes gobbles you up and spits you back out

OMG...... Life sometimes is just to hard. Rodney's (My husband) Nan died last thursday night. When he recieved the phone call, it didn't effect me that much, she lives about a 9 hour drive away and I had only met her on 3 occassions. I was upset for Rodney and was concerned about him. We are leaving in the morning to go to the funeral, so we have a long drive ahead of us. Tonight it hit me I was going to another funeral, it broke me, I can't go to another funeral, I can't deal with that. Harrison's funeral was the last one I went to, I don't think I can get through another one. I sat on my bed, and on my bedside table are photos of Harrison that the hospital took for us, and my sweet little baby boy, all those overwhelming emotions flooded back, those feelings of loss, those feelings of knowing life will never be the same again. Sometimes life just doesn't seem fair, and I feel like it has gobbled me up and spat me out. How many times can you pick your self up.
I have been looking for work since Christmas, after everything that I have been through the last year has changed my life forever, I have been told that my unborn baby has a 50% chance of living then it went to 30% chance, while going through the process of building a house. Then to be asked whether once our baby is born do we want to let him go or should the doctors do everything they can. To wondering if my baby boy was going to get to his birth, to then watching my son die, and for him to die in my arms. How much worse can life get. There is not many more horrific things a person can go through. Then you walk into these job interviews and they ask you the stupidist questions. They ask you to answer to this 'Star' answering , or what don't you think you could handle with this job (just a simple receptionist/admin job) I feel like screaming at them all and saying if I can watch my son die, and hold him why he is dying I can handle your receptionist job answering telephones, and filing. Compared to the last 12 months of life your job is a walk in the park for me. Your 'star' answering isn't important. Ask me a real question, and get a real answer. Answering telephones and selling insurance isn't that hard. I have had to force myself up everyday, having 3 boys who I love dearly, and being pregnant wondering if my son is going to live or die. Then having to survive the aftermath of losing him. My life is like a nuclear bomb has gone off, and now seven and a half months later it is deserted of anything of what use to be. I was asked at a different job interview, "If I was to ask your friends what they would say about you, what would they say?" I sat there not knowing what to say. What ran through my mind was that I don't think I have been a great friend over the last 12 months of my life. I just thought to myself I am just trying to keep myself together for my boys, and I haven't been such a great friend at all. I think I didn't answer that very well, well I didn't get the job so I mustn't have. I find it so hard these days to try and say how wonderful I am and think about the 'right' answer. I wonder what a prospective employer would say if I had a slight melt down and spewed out what I really did think.......Probably would think I should be taken to the pshycatric ward immediately and we aren't hiring her.
I feel sometimes to my friends I am an outsider looking into their lives. Some are moving on to different chapters of their lives, it is almost like you feel as though you are standing in a long corridor and they are moving down that corridor and you are stuck behind a glass door at the very beginning and those doors won't open. You feel as though you can see them getting on with their lives and you are watching it but you really can't participate in it as you are stuck behind the doors.
I have never been one to really be bothered by things, I guess I would say that I am a pretty strong person when it comes to life. But this year I think has finally unravelled that strength. I have always been a person to never let my feelings stop me from doing things untill now. This year is the first year that their are certain things I just can't do. Since losing Harrison I find some things just to hard to do. I miss him so very much. I just don't understand why??

Harrison my sweet Harrison, my memories of you are just the most precious and dearest memories. I miss you, and love you. Love Mummy