Sunday, May 1, 2011

Life sometimes gobbles you up and spits you back out

OMG...... Life sometimes is just to hard. Rodney's (My husband) Nan died last thursday night. When he recieved the phone call, it didn't effect me that much, she lives about a 9 hour drive away and I had only met her on 3 occassions. I was upset for Rodney and was concerned about him. We are leaving in the morning to go to the funeral, so we have a long drive ahead of us. Tonight it hit me I was going to another funeral, it broke me, I can't go to another funeral, I can't deal with that. Harrison's funeral was the last one I went to, I don't think I can get through another one. I sat on my bed, and on my bedside table are photos of Harrison that the hospital took for us, and my sweet little baby boy, all those overwhelming emotions flooded back, those feelings of loss, those feelings of knowing life will never be the same again. Sometimes life just doesn't seem fair, and I feel like it has gobbled me up and spat me out. How many times can you pick your self up.
I have been looking for work since Christmas, after everything that I have been through the last year has changed my life forever, I have been told that my unborn baby has a 50% chance of living then it went to 30% chance, while going through the process of building a house. Then to be asked whether once our baby is born do we want to let him go or should the doctors do everything they can. To wondering if my baby boy was going to get to his birth, to then watching my son die, and for him to die in my arms. How much worse can life get. There is not many more horrific things a person can go through. Then you walk into these job interviews and they ask you the stupidist questions. They ask you to answer to this 'Star' answering , or what don't you think you could handle with this job (just a simple receptionist/admin job) I feel like screaming at them all and saying if I can watch my son die, and hold him why he is dying I can handle your receptionist job answering telephones, and filing. Compared to the last 12 months of life your job is a walk in the park for me. Your 'star' answering isn't important. Ask me a real question, and get a real answer. Answering telephones and selling insurance isn't that hard. I have had to force myself up everyday, having 3 boys who I love dearly, and being pregnant wondering if my son is going to live or die. Then having to survive the aftermath of losing him. My life is like a nuclear bomb has gone off, and now seven and a half months later it is deserted of anything of what use to be. I was asked at a different job interview, "If I was to ask your friends what they would say about you, what would they say?" I sat there not knowing what to say. What ran through my mind was that I don't think I have been a great friend over the last 12 months of my life. I just thought to myself I am just trying to keep myself together for my boys, and I haven't been such a great friend at all. I think I didn't answer that very well, well I didn't get the job so I mustn't have. I find it so hard these days to try and say how wonderful I am and think about the 'right' answer. I wonder what a prospective employer would say if I had a slight melt down and spewed out what I really did think.......Probably would think I should be taken to the pshycatric ward immediately and we aren't hiring her.
I feel sometimes to my friends I am an outsider looking into their lives. Some are moving on to different chapters of their lives, it is almost like you feel as though you are standing in a long corridor and they are moving down that corridor and you are stuck behind a glass door at the very beginning and those doors won't open. You feel as though you can see them getting on with their lives and you are watching it but you really can't participate in it as you are stuck behind the doors.
I have never been one to really be bothered by things, I guess I would say that I am a pretty strong person when it comes to life. But this year I think has finally unravelled that strength. I have always been a person to never let my feelings stop me from doing things untill now. This year is the first year that their are certain things I just can't do. Since losing Harrison I find some things just to hard to do. I miss him so very much. I just don't understand why??

Harrison my sweet Harrison, my memories of you are just the most precious and dearest memories. I miss you, and love you. Love Mummy

1 comment:

  1. I can't give any advice or even offer any words of comfort Mel. I feel anything I said would be utterly patronising as I can only imagine your pain even with the rawness of your angst-ridden posts. So many things I want to say that just wouldn't sound right. I can only hope that keeping Harrison's memory alive this way brings you some solace and closer to peace with every update. Much love xxxx