Wednesday, April 25, 2012

My journey and Harrison's Legacy.

I can't believe it has gone past the 18 month mark of our sweet Harrison coming into our world and sadly leaving it way to soon. This journey has been filled with so many lows, so many tears, but it has also been filled with so much love and so much support from people I never thought possible. This journey has taught me so many lessons and Harrison's life has inspired me to do things that I would never have thought possible.

I would never have thought I would have been up in front of large groups of people sharing Harrison's story. I would never thought I would have been educating midwives about baby loss. Though I must admit, I have loved doing this, I love that Harrison's life is making such an impact of those future families that unfortunately, and tragically will also lose their babies. Unfortunately I can't stop that from happening but what I like to think Harrison's life and memory can do is make a families experience be a positive one, surrounded by midwives who aren't afraid of death and not afraid to break the stigma that our society has put around death. A family can build so many memories after their babies have died. Just by being able to give your baby a bath, spend time touching your baby, holding your baby, kissing their checks, touching their hair are such treasured and the most unforgetable memories that a family can make.

I have been busily working with Harrison's Little Wings Inc, which is Harrisons charity set up in his memory. I am so passionate about so many things. I want to continue educating midwives on baby loss and how they can make such a huge impact on a family. We have been and are starting to put in place our practical support program for families who have been given a cogenital abnormality in pregnancy or high risk pregnancy. I love this program, and I think this will touch so many lives. I am also passionate about having a bereavement midwife in every maternity hospital within Australia. I think every family deserves to be treated with gentleness, respect and get a quality of care that is so very specific to a family suffering baby loss. I think that this midwife should have specific training on how to handle these situations. So this is the legacy my sweet little Angel has left behind.

Some people ask me how do I do it. Firstly I don't think I am any different to any other mum who has lost their baby. I do think I have finally found something that I am extremely passionate about, and I am driven by an inner force and fire that I have never really had before for anything else. But I also come from a place where even though what happened with Harrison was So very traumatic, and so very sad for me, I don't want to remember him with sadness, I want to remember him as such a special gift given to me. A blessing. So this is why Harrison's charity exist.

I do still have bad days, 18 months in and there are still days that are just so hard, and I still cry and miss him so very much. I only just recently had a situation where someone made a comment about one of Harrison's photos and it devastated me. It was like someone tearing a bandaid off a sore when the bandaid had stuck to the sore, and when they ripped it off, they ripped all the skin off as well. You think you have walked a long way on this grief journey but it takes one insensitive comment to take you right back to that raw grief.

I hadn't had much time to go through Harrison's photos lately, but I was doing some scrapbooking and wanted to do a page of him, so I went through them, and those photos mean so very much and it isn't easy, every time I look through them, they make me cry. That is all I have of him. It just seems a little unfair, for someone I loved so very much to have so little to show for that love.

I miss you baby boy. I still think of you every day. My heart bubbles over with so much love for you. Love Mummy. xxxxx