Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Watching you struggle

When I went down to see Harrison the 2nd time that night, he was flinging his little hands around, it was so hard as one time when he flung his little arm around, he knocked the tube next to him and it looked as though it hurt him because he seemed to try and let out a cry, but with all the tubes in and the ventilator tube in his mouth he couldn't, It was o hard to watch that, especially as a mother you just want to pick up your baby and give them a hug. He was such a little fighter. I remember sitting there with him and he was very restless, and I was holding his little leg, that is all I could do. Then his brothers came down, and I remember watching him calm down when we were all there, I am sure he could hear us, and that comforted him, as he relaxed and by the time we left he had fallen asleep. He was just so perfect.
This world is just such a crazy place. I don't think I will ever be able to understand why things happen, some people beliieve things happen to you for a reason, God doesn't give you anything that you can't handle. Things make you stronger. Some say that God doesn't give us this, this is just what happens from life. I guess I am never going to get any answers. I just know that I loved Harrison, and wanted him so much, and there is nothing worse then to watch a little baby struggle and then have to watch him die. If God is a loving God, I don't think he would do that, to Harrison or to me. So I have to believe this is the way the world is.
Harrison I miss you, I often think about what we would be doing now if you were alive, how different life would be with you and your brothers all demanding attention. I am on my toes now, so I am sure I would have been really busy, though I much rather that then to have you gone. I miss you little sweet boy. 28hours was just not enough, that day is relived over and over. I love you Harrison more then anything. Love Mummy

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