It has not long ago rained, and I was laying in bed, I can hear the frogs croaking, and the crickets singing, I can imagine the stars in the sky. The sky with all those star just seems so big and so vast, where does earth end and heaven begin? Sometimes I feel that Harrison is really close to me and there are nights like tonight where I feel like he is so far away.
I went up to the hospital today to give them more cards to go on the teddy bear, last time I went there, It made me feel closer to Harrison. This time it didn't have that same effect. I went to visit my midwife, Gina. It was so nice to see her. I must admit going back there it made me remember what those midwife/ultrasounds/appointments with specialist were like. It seems so long ago that I was pregnant. I wish I could go back being pregnant with Harrison, at least I knew he was ok. I wish I could have just one more day of having him kick me and move around, just to have a moment of hope that maybe he would survive. I would give anything for that feeling of being niave that it doesn't happen to people like me. Just one moment of taking away this feeling of sadness, and feeling like I am mssing a chunck of my heart. As I left the hospital I got in the elevator to go and we stopped at level 6. (level 6 is the baby ICU where Harrison was) a part of me wanted to jump out of the lift. A part of me wanted to run to where he was and just check to make sure he wasn't there. Just in case it wasn't all wrong. I know that isn't rational thinking. But when you lose a baby, you begin to question everything. You question God, you question everything Why Harrison? Why me? I can't even begin to explain, the loss that I feel. It has been 11 weeks. 11 weeks of the most unbearable sadness, the worse of all losses. After losing a baby, you look at pregnant women differently, and it is hard to look at new born babies. Everything in your life changes, your whole thought pattern everything. I am so mad at the world, so hurt. This wound will never heal. The bleeding will never stop.
I went up to the hospital today to give them more cards to go on the teddy bear, last time I went there, It made me feel closer to Harrison. This time it didn't have that same effect. I went to visit my midwife, Gina. It was so nice to see her. I must admit going back there it made me remember what those midwife/ultrasounds/appointments with specialist were like. It seems so long ago that I was pregnant. I wish I could go back being pregnant with Harrison, at least I knew he was ok. I wish I could have just one more day of having him kick me and move around, just to have a moment of hope that maybe he would survive. I would give anything for that feeling of being niave that it doesn't happen to people like me. Just one moment of taking away this feeling of sadness, and feeling like I am mssing a chunck of my heart. As I left the hospital I got in the elevator to go and we stopped at level 6. (level 6 is the baby ICU where Harrison was) a part of me wanted to jump out of the lift. A part of me wanted to run to where he was and just check to make sure he wasn't there. Just in case it wasn't all wrong. I know that isn't rational thinking. But when you lose a baby, you begin to question everything. You question God, you question everything Why Harrison? Why me? I can't even begin to explain, the loss that I feel. It has been 11 weeks. 11 weeks of the most unbearable sadness, the worse of all losses. After losing a baby, you look at pregnant women differently, and it is hard to look at new born babies. Everything in your life changes, your whole thought pattern everything. I am so mad at the world, so hurt. This wound will never heal. The bleeding will never stop.
Harrison if I could have taken your place I would have. You deserved a life, a life of love, and of happiness and laughter. Your life was only 28 hours. I am sure those 28 hours were hard for you. I am sorry I couldn't fix you, or make it go away. I am sorry I couldn't give you a hug and make it all feel better. I am so sorry I couldn't put a bandaid or give your hurt a kiss, and kiss it away. I love you my little son. I wish I could hold you and hug you and tell you everything is going to be ok. I am sending kisses and hugs to you with loads of love. I love you Harrison. Love Mummy
No comments:
Post a Comment