Sunday, December 5, 2010

Rodney months ago bought a box of nappies that were to small for Cody, when we realised I said, it doesn't matter we can keep them for Harrison. Well I returned them to the shops yesterday. The lady at the counter was giving me a bit of grief because I didn't have a receipt. I walked away and cried because if I had a choice, I would have rathered kept the nappies and used them, how do you say to someone, a stranger, that my baby has died and I can't use them. You just want to scream at some people. I am sure they think that you are trying to scam them,
Yesterday I went and saw my friend who has had her baby. He was gorgeous. I decided not to hold him, I just couldn't. The last new born baby that I held was my son and that is where he died, in my arms. It is just to hard to see a little baby, I just wanted Harrison in my arms again so badly. Life just doesn't seem fair. I wish I could be up all night with Harrison, having a good night sleep is over rated. I would give anything to hear my baby crying at night. I would give anything to give Harrison a hug.
People say all the time, it will get better, well they obviously haven't lost a baby, because it certainly doesn't feel like it is getting better. I know the pain changes eventually. But you have constant reminders all around of what I don't have.

Harrison my sweet little boy, I love you. Blowing you kisses and sending you the biggest of hugs. I bought the boys presents for Christmas from you. I hope you like what I bought them. I wanted to get them all something they would think was extra awesome, so it is special. I wish you were here so you could see out Christmas tree, you could be sitting in your little rocker watching the lights twinkle. You are missed. Love you. Love Mummy


  1. omg this post made me cry..... cry for all the mums who have lost babies, some people can be so hurtful even though they may not try to be... i bought heaps of boxes of nappies when i was pregnant with Connor(my 5 yr old) cos i believe in being prepared, but god only knows how i wouldve reacted at the shops if i was returning them because he died and i wasnt able to use them(thanks god that wasnt the outcome) cos when you are pregnant you dont think of losing your baby, only of the preparation for the new addition...... sending you huge hugs, and i will never ever say to a mum of a baby thats died, that it will get better, cos it never will, and no matter what you are always that baby's mum........

  2. Thanks Amanda, I guess the world is geared up for that pregnant women are going to have there babies, they don't think about that all pregnancies don't go well, and all babies aren't necessarily well. I am like you when I am pregnant. We have a play stracture coming for Christmas, we layby this when I was really early on and we were thinking we would get heaps of use out of it, yes will still will with our 7 year old and our 2 year old, but we had visions of having these 2 little ones, My husband is finding that really hard. Constant reminders. He will be my baby, and I always will be his mummy. Thanks so much for your support Amanda, it means alot.

  3. it was the same when i was pregnant with my son #5(i have 6 boys), my ultrasound said he was a girl, so being excited i went out and got everything pink, well then to have a boy, i had to take all the pink stuff back to the shop.... the shops look at you like your weird or something, cos you dont need what you thought..(now i again, know that its not the same situation as you) but nonetheless the shop assistants can be quite rude