Sunday, March 27, 2011

what would your life been like

I went to the Cystic Fibrosis Ball last night. We were invited through some of Rodney's work contacts who bought a table for the ball. A girl got up and spoke about suffering with Cystic Fibrosis. I never really knew what Cystic Fibrosis was all about, I had heard of it before but I didn't know that it affects many of the body's systems, including the lungs and digestion. The girl that spoke had alot of problems with her lungs, and suffered severe scar tissue to her lungs because of the problems she does have. This made me think of Harrison. My sweet little boy who's lungs were so affected by Diaphragmatic Hernia. It made me think what would have his life been like if he did survive. I wondered if he would have struggled like her every day. But she has a life, even though it is riddled with appointments. Her parents have been able to know her personality, they have had to watch her grow. Not that I think she should live with this condition. Rodney got really mad and said 'At least she has a life and you can live.' So many questions swirled through my head. it made me feel sad that Harrison' wasn't here. People don't understand that the slightest thing makes you think, it can transport you to the darkest moment of your life, and can almost paralyze you with sadness. The person we went with knew we lost a baby, being a guy he asked me about it (which was actually very unusual as most people don't acknowledge it or don't want to talk about it) but he undid his bravery of asking about Harrison when he said 'well you just have to move on don't you' I sat there thinking that is easy for you to say. His son was there (and not that I would wish this upon anyone) I felt like saying to him, how about you watch your son die and I turn around to you and say 'well you just have to move on' I am sure he had all good intentions when he made that comment. I know that, but it is hard. Harrison is my son. Every fibre of me loves him, and misses him.
Harrison you are in my thoughts every moment of every day. I can't even begin to find the words to tell you how much I love you.If God told me that I had a minute to tell you something. I would want to put the words so affectively, a poem of some sort, but I don't think I am that great with that sort of thing. There would be so much I would want you to know, but I think a minute isn't very long. So I would simply tell you 'I love you, I loved you from the very beginning of your existance.

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