Wednesday, February 8, 2012
It has been so long since I wrote.
It has been so long since I have written, I have been so busy with honouring Harrison's memory with his not for profit organisation, that I haven't had much spare time. I can't believe it is coming up to 18 months since Harrison was born, and Harrison died. Though that pain feels like yesterday. That acute intense pain, just the thought brings tears to my eyes.
This last 2 years have been such a massive journey for me, in so many facets of my life. My family life, my friendships, and my marriage. It hasn't been the easiest of roads, the fog has started to clear though after 2 years of pure struggle to get up and soldier on in life.
People don't understand how when you lose a baby there is a bit of you that is never truly happy. There is always this moment when you are out that you find your mind wondering off to that little boy that is meant to be with us. You never really feel that 'free joy' any more.
My marriage has taken a massive beating over the last 12 months, I think women and men grieve so differently and sometimes it is hard to understand how to re-connect, and whether at all you can re-connect. Losing a baby puts a massive hole in your being that there is no bridge big enough to build over it.
I have noticed that friendships have come and gone. More gone then have came. It is only recently that I have had that clarity of waking up and taking a good look around me in my friendships and I have had to question alot. There were people that in the moment they were there, but the aftermath afterwards they brushed there hands, whether that is because people can't handle the intensity of the emotion. Maybe they got to tired of me 'not being the fun me' Maybe the pain inside me was to intense, and yes I know I haven't been the most perfect friend to some of my friends, no I haven't picked up the damn phone to call you but they don't seem to understand that they could pick up the phone to. Why should I have to worry about picking up a phone.
Sometimes you just get tired of being 'strong' you get so tired of people seeing that you are doing something positive so that means your ok. You get tired of feeling like you have to fix things all the time. I have 3 children that I have here in this world with me, and Rodney being away so much for work, I am pretty much a single mum and sometimes it would be nice to feel as though I don't have to make the effort in a friendship.
I miss Harrison so very much. He is on my mind every day. I look at children that would be his age and think I should have that. Also comes with that I wonder if I could have been strong enough to look after him if he was sick. I watch a mum with her daughter who has so much courage and she is so inspiring but I read her updates on facebook and I wonder if I could have done such an amazing job like she does. She is amazing.
I also have to say thankyou to an amazing friend Leanne, who gosh girl you are amazing, and thanks for taking me out and we had such a awesome time, but thank you for listening and not trying to sugar coat anything but also thank you for letting me make my own decisions and be supportive. Thank you so very much. And thank you for helping me honour Harrison. I believe he has brought us together and I am sure he is smiling down on us so very proud.
I have sat back over the last 18 months and watched friendships come and go, mostly go.