Sending you kisses

Today is a day where I wish I could just send you a package of kisses and love.

I miss him everyday, I think of him every hour. The pain of losing him is the worst pain that I have ever felt in my life. Only another bereaved parent can understand the pain. My pet peeve is when people say you are doing so well. I am not doing as well as I make out. Yes life goes on, whether I want it to or not. I have 3 boys that are here, and I am so grateful for them. It does mean that I have to get up and live. Also Harrison has given me something to do, I will make the world know my son was here, and that he made a difference. So I am now in the process of setting up a charity in his memory. There are some really exciting things that are going to be happening this year, all in the memory of Harrison.

I miss you so very much. i hope you look down and are proud. I miss you. I love you very much.

Harrison's Layout

Here is another layout that I have done of Harrison. I am really picky about the papers that I use for his layouts. I just want them all to be perfect. With my other boys, I have an endless supply of photos and it doesn't matter if one of there layouts don't turn out as I would have like, but I only have limited photos of Harrison so they need to be perfect. I am so sad about him, and miss him very much. I love the colours in this paper, so tranquil, and perfect. Almost what I would think the colours of Heaven would be.

Harrison I love you so very much and missing you always. I just wish I could have you back. With so much love your Mummy.

Heaven...

Harrison, how can I explain to you how much we loved you? Can I scream it? Would you hear? Does God let you look down, or does he at least tell you about us? I wish I could send you a letter, an emaiil even, as long as it got to you. I would tell you so many things, I would want to know so much, what are you doing? Do you grow in heaven? Do the angels rock and sing to you? Does Jesus gather you all around and read you stories?

People say that when you go through a tragedy it makes you either believe in God more or move away from beliefs... I grew up in the church, my children attend a Christan school. I have always believed in God, I think the world is to intricate to believe it happened in some bang. Has my tragedy made me believe in God or move away?

I am really angry at God, I don't understand why I carried Harrison for 9 months and to then deliver him to then to be only taken away after 28 hours. Maybe God has a plan that I yet know about. Though through this time I need to believe in a Heaven and God because that is where I want Harrison to be in a beautiful place where everything is perfect, where he has no pain and is loved and nurtured.

Now I am left with a broken hearted, as a mother you just want to hold other mothers hands as they go through this dreadful experience. You know the pain that they are feeling. I am hoping I can turn my tragedy into a positive. Hence Harrison's charity.

Harrison I love you so very much. I miss you. Mummy

Today is a bit of a sad day

Today is a bit of a hard day, missing my little angel. I have had a dreaded head cold for a week, and it seemed to have just gotten worse today, so that doesn't help and then being a bit of a hard day. It is so hard to explain to people how sad some days can be. I just wish I could give him a hug and a kiss.
I did have some good news from a friend. We have come up with a bit of an idea for Harrison's charity (we will reveal it soon) some companies out there are just so generous and so willing to help.
With Harrison being sick and when he died, there were rays of light, that were people who just did something nice, not because they had, not because they were going to get recognition from it just because they cared and wanted to help. This world can be filled with money hungry people who don't particularly care about anything more then profit. But as I progress with Harrison's charity everyday there seems to be more rays of light, groups, companies that just want to help and think that Harrison's charity is such a lovely idea. This helps on days like today.
I also want to say a big thank you to a close friend of mine, Leanne you have been awesome and so supportive. Thank you for having so much drive for Harrison's charity and so willing to throw yourself into any ideas. It means alot, I think we make a great team..

Harrison I miss you so very much. I know you are with me everyday in my heart, I just wish you could be here with me in person. I love you so very much and words can't begin to describe how much I miss you and love you. Love Mummy

Working on your special day 12th March

I have been overwhelmed with peoples generousity, Kaisercraft has kindly donated these packs for us to raffle off on the day. this day is going to be really special, I am really looking forward to it. We have a load more goodies that we are keeping as a surprise for the day. I am really looking forward to being able to meet loads of new people and just have an all round great day. It will be truely a lovely day in memory of my gorgeous baby boy who is missed so very much

I love you my sweet little boy. Missing you so very much. Love Mummy

Missing you so very much

I wish I could touch your little feet, touch your little hands. Feel your soft skin again. I wish I could give you a hug and softly give you kisses. I sometimes wonder why was I choosen for this to happen. Are we choosen, or is it just something that happens?? I just wish I could know or get some answers.
I miss Harrison so very much. There is nothing any one can say or do to take it away. I just don;t understnad life. I don't understnad why this has happened. I wonder where my baby is. I was raised with Christian beliefs but when you go through something like this it does make you question religion. I do believe in God, and I want Harrison to be there in heaven with him. I must admit I do believe that. Not sure of much else though.

Harrison I love you. And like every day you are in my thoughts, and always in my heart. Love Mummy

You would be 5 months old today

I can't believe that you would be 5 months old today, I miss you so very much. It hasn't gotten any easier. I feel like I walk around through life with a mask on, trying to make out that life is ok. But deep down there are tears that are flowing all the time. NO one should ever have to watch there baby die, no one should have to say goodbye to there child. Us parents are suppose to outlive our children. I miss Harrison so very much.
One thing I have learnt through my whole pregnancy is don't make promises you can't keep. I had so many people offer to help in different ways, but had no intention of fulfilling that offer. I also had people there and now I bearly see or hear from them. Were they there to help,, but I don't think people understand that when Harrison died it was the eye of the storm. During my pregnancy was the start of the storm, his death was the eye and now is the end bit of the storm, but unfortunately sometimes I can't see how to rebuild, it seems you just co exist with this cyclone inside you.

Harrison, I love you so very much. blowing you kisses and hugs for today. I wonder what you are doing in heaven? Please God just give my sweet little boy my hugs and kisses.