Coming up to your first birthday

It isn't far away from your first birthday, only 8 weeks away, I have considered myself to have coped so far, I have had my sad moments there has been alot, but overall I think I have survived this tragedy ok. But Harrison's first birthday just seems to make me sob. The thought of trying to make a cake, everytime I think about it I cry. I don't know how I am going to go through this.
How do you celebrate a first birthday without your baby. How do you celebrate when the following day was the most tragic day. I am hit with 2 days in a row, one of Joy that my son was born, then the other day is so very sad, the day when my son died. It's so conflicting. How do you celebrate when he isn't here with me. I love him so much, he should be here to celebrate.
I should be able to make a cake that reflects his little personality, the things he likes, so when I go through the cake book, I have only 28 hours of his little life to go on. 28 hours is more then some people get, and I am grateful for those 28 hours, but then it isn't alot to go on for a cake. He was such a fighter, but how do you translate that into a cake. I feel so ripped off. I should have my son with me, I should have him to pick up and cuddle and wish him happy birthday. I want to make it so very specail for my boys, but i am trying to figure out how I am going to get through this without being a mess.
This is so very hard for me. I miss him so very much. I have lost my innocence of life and how things bad don't happen to me. I have lost my son to a horrible condition. I will never get him back. I will never get to hold him and kiss him, I never got to hear him cry, I never got to see his little eyes open.

Harrison I love you so very much. I think of you every day. I wonder if in Heaven they celebrate birthdays? Do you have a party for being in heaven for 1 whole year? It's kind of ironically that the hardest day of my life, may be a celebration in heaven. I hope you like the cake I am hoping to make for you. I will try and not cry to much why I make it, but I can't make any promises. Loving you and missing you. Love Mummy

How I miss you so...

It is coming up to nearly 10 months since Harrison came into our lives, and then so quickly left. These 10 months have been the saddest, and the most inspiring 10 months. Such conflicting emotions.
Coming up to the year mark makes me so very sad. I have had a few angel mums, that have come up to their angelversaries, and I see how hard it was for them. In life we celebrate the birth of our babies, but some births bring such sadness, how do you honour that baby.
For Harrisons first birthday is a 2 day event, such a sweet day of his birth, where I got to meet my son, my little fighter, but then met the next day with such devastation, such sadness.
I have met a mum recently who is pregnant with a T18 baby. She has been told her baby is not compatible with life, and so she now so bravely prepares herself for what may come. She is just so much braver then I was when I was pregnant. I hang onto that 30% with all my heart, I just wanted him to prove the doctors wrong. I wanted to get onto 60 minutes, or a show like that and tell the world what a little miracle baby I had, that proved all the doctors wrong. Some times I think maybe reality was to hard to face for me. The thought of my baby dying would take a massive emotional toll that I couldn't bear.
I know now that nothing could ever prepare you to lose a baby. Nobody could ever tell you how hard, and how sad that reality is. I can't even explain that void that forever sits inside my heart. Your life is always shadowed by that sadness of having your baby not with you. There are moments that you are happy, but then that thought of my son who isn't here to share that moment comes back, and then that moment has a sadness to it.
Harrisons room isn't set up as a baby room, we never did that, we had all the stuff in their but we didn't put the room together, if Harrison had done well, we knew he would have been in hospital for a while so I thought I would do it then. But even now I still refer to it as Harrisons room, I think that will always be his room. Sometimes I go in there to vacuum, and it still has that new house smell in his room. But for me it is like walking back 11 months ago when we moved into our newly built house. It takes me back standing in that room wondering what was going to happen, it is almost like a movie playing in my head. Then you are bought back to life and how it is. It is without hope of Harrison with us.
I still am not sure of what we will be doing for Harrisons first birthday/angelversary. i want to make it really special, but how do you make something special when it is also so sad.

Harrison Mummy misses you so very much. I hope you are having lots of fun, I am sure you have made lots of friends, you had such a sweet little personality. I hope you found my Nanna, your great grandmother. I hope she has you in her arms and rocking you, and telling you about all the times your mummy stayed at her place. I love you so very much. Sending you loads of love, and kisses and the biggest of hugs. Love Mummy

What an Honour

I was asked by Sands state co-ordinator to come to a educational seminar for midwives on bereavement. I was asked to come and tell Harrisons story and our journey dealing with the health system, and pivot things that were said to us, good and bad, about our experience, to better help midwives to deal with families that lose a baby.
I also then was asked to do a presentation for Heartfelt, as they couldn't make it, so I busied myself with powerpoint. My 12 year son has been such a great teacher, and gee I think I have almost mastered powerpoint, just working on the whole music embedding.
It was just such an amazing night. The midwives that were there were all just so lovely, and just so welcoming.
It is funny how life works though, I drive into the Logan hospital carpark and I am thinking am I in the right place, I wasn't sure, so I thought I will go down the road a bit, I pulled out of the hospital carpark and drove down the road a bit and my phone starts to work, it was my friend Anne who is a midwife. She asked me what are you doing, I go into a fluster, and I said what are you doing, believe it or not, she is there for the seminar and had seen my car. I was so grateful that she had seen me, so we walked in together. How bizzare, it was so nice to have her there.
I am so passionate about telling Harrisons story, and helping midwives help parents. I just think that Griffith University and the hospital are starting to see that bereavement care is just so important. I am just so excited that there is this movement to help parents through such a horrific and tragic time. I am truely inspired by it, and I love that I am a part of it. I am so looking forward to being involved more with this special movement.
I was so honoured to be asked to talk on Hearfelt, I just hope that I did them justice in what I said. I know I didn't give the informative side of there organisation, but I gave the side of a parent who received such an amazing gift.
I feel Harrisons life has not only made such a massive difference not only in our lives but he has made a difference to this world, Harrison inspires me, he only lived here for 28 hours, but has made such an impact, he made such a difference, he inspires me at 34 years of age to make more of a difference with my life. I see Harrison as such a blessing, God gave me such a precious gift.

Harrison, I hope you are proud. You have inspired me to be a better person. I am tuely blessed to have been a mummy to you. You are forever in my thoughts, and I love you every day.

This journey of grief

I thought I was doing ok with this journey of grief, I made up Harrisons Little Wings Inc to help me grief. I love his charity as I can talk about him everyday and no one thinks it is strange. I sit for days, for hours making up special albums for other families, because this just makes me feel better, knowing I can hold the hand of another family in my craft that I love so much. I just didn't start Harrison's charity for the glory, I started his charity, because after losing Harrison I had this overwhelming need to help families. I thought about what I was good at, and what I loved, and the only thing I could come up with was scrapping. So there my vision for Harrisons charity grew. I never realised in this charity world could be so cut throat, I never realised that if you were onto a good thing someone would want to come and take your ideas. I just want to do a special thing for families that have lost a baby. My albums aren't just a few pages, they are filled with 20 layouts. 20 layouts of love. So much time and love has been put into them.

I have been sent some emails (not sure how they got my email address) with this company called 'Cherubs' they are the support group of the condition Harrison died of. Cogenital Diagphragmatic Hernia (CDH) I haven't signed up with them as I found that really hard seeing photos of survivors of the condition, because I look at those photos and it makes me sad, it makes me want that for Harrison. That is what I thougth my journey was going to be like. But never the less, they got my email address as they are in the running for a massive donation from a company and are relying on votes from the public. So I have been getting on every day, as I do want research done on CDH so that it doesn't claim the life of another baby. The medical industry do not do alot of research on this condition as they don't consider it to be a massive 'killer'. Where Harrison was born in the Mater they get about 10 babies a year born there with Harrison's condition out of 50 000 babies born. So this money to be given is just a huge amount to go to research. They send emails out every day to remind you to vote, and today was about a little baby who was fighting for his life, he had numerous operations, but he survived and was home with his family. It makes it really hard reading stories like this. This was what I thought my journey was going to be with Harrison.

I have met some really lovely people lately. One family has a similar story to mine, there little boy lived longer then Harrison, but our pregnancies were very similar. It has been so nice talking to her, and relating to her journey.

I have also met another family that is just at the beginning of there journey, they have just found out there little boy is sick. It breaks my heart to hear their story and the long hard road that is ahead of them.

You kind of think you are going ok with this road of grief but then you hit a speed hump, and there seems to be alot of them on this road. That speed hump for me is those emails. I am torn because I so desperatly want them to do more research so another family do not have to go through what we went through, but I don't want to hear survival stories. My son didn't survive. A part of me thinks that is more the reason for your research. That may be selfish, but I am going to have my selfish moment. It is babies like him that I won't research done so they don't die. those families have their baby, they get to see them smile they get to hear their baby cry, they get to see their baby with their eyes open. I was robbed of hearing Harrison cry, I was robbed of seeing his little eyes open due to this cruel horrible condition. I had to see my son fight for his life, and watch him lose that battle, that is why they need that money.

Oh God, I miss him so much, there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of him. Life gets busy, and yes life goes on, but there are always those quiet moments in the day when you are driving or when you are laying in bed trying to fall asleep and it is those moments that are filled with thoughts of Harrison.

Harrison my sweet little boy, there is this gapping hole, and sometimes you think that gap is being filled and it takes one little thing to rip it apart, and that void of missing you, and the love that I feel for you, I can't begin to be expressed. I can hug your brothers and tell them that I love them. I can bake cakes with them, I can kick a ball around with them, but how do I express my love for you??? How do I get to tell you that I love you?? I pray that God up there whispers that in your ear. Mummy loves you and misses you. Love Mummy

I feel for all those mums

I am having a few really sad days lately, it is like this roller coaster ride, where you seem to live a few days of some sort of normality, and then you a hit with this wave of sadness. At the moment it is the title wave of sadness. Those days that are good, Harrison is never far from my mind and I think of him every day and all the time. Little thoughts of him. Days like today where there is a massive tidal wave of sadness I think of him constantly, I think of those machines that never did what I wanted them to do, I think of the softness of his skin and the silkiness of his hair. My heart goes out to all those mums that have babies in the NICU.
When I was pregnant, the Mater hospital had an information night about what to expect when your baby went into the Intensive care unit. They were telling us how the rooms are set up that the rooms closer to the door is where you wanted your baby to be, as they were the less serious cases and that as they got closer to the door meant they were going home. I remember a mum saying to me, geez you just have to hope your baby isn't in one of those rooms. (she was in hospital as she was having twins and there for bed rest) Harrison went to the room furthest away from the doors, and his little bed was at the end of that room. He never left there alive, and that is so devastating to think other mum's are going through that painful and helpless experience of watching their babies in that NICU. There is nothing more helpless for a mother to not be able to do anything for her baby. In Harrison's case we couldn't hold him, untill we knew he wasn't going to make it. You can only touch them. Your natural instinct as a mother is to want to hold your baby and fix it.... I am so sorry Harrison I couldn't kiss it and make it all better for you. I am sorry Mummy couldn't help you. Please know that I love you.
I have a few friends who are angel mummies, they are all coming up to their babies first birthday, and my heart goes out to them. We should all have babies nearly toddlers, we should all have little ones crawling and beginning to walk little people, instead we are left with empty arms. So to my friends, Teagan, wishing Miller a happy birthday and sending you guys lots of hugs. Sarah, wishing Dominic a happy birthday. I am thinking of you.

Harrison it is nearly 9 months since you were here, you are never far out of my mind, I love you so dearly. I love you little man. xxxx

Some days are harder then others

Today is one of those days, sometimes there is the littlest thing that sets you off and puts in you in a spiral of sadness. I miss Harrison so very much. It's been 8 and half months since I met my son, and lost my son. Those eight and half months have been the hardest months of my life. I have never believed in bad luck, but I am starting to wonder. You just start to want something great to happen to you, and sometimes that just doesn't seem to happen.
I had a lady come up to me, and I had just spoken about Harrison's charity and explained what I do with it. She came up and told me that I was bought up differently to what she was. Basically the conversation was how she didn't agree with what I was doing she didn't agree with. That was really hard, I understand that people deal with things differently, but there is such a stigma on losing a baby, most people have this attitude of it happens get over it, and you shouldn't talk about it. Well what is the difference to if a mother dies, no one tells those that knew that mother that they don't talk about her and she is gone that is it. People expect us mothers to not talk about our child. Most people in there life time will not hold someone in there arms while they die or will have to go through the tramatic experience of losing a child. If you are reading this, and you know someone who has lost a child, just listen, ask how that person is really doing? Make it ok for them to be sad about there baby, and just let them know you are there.

I miss you Harrison, time certainly doesn't heal this broken heart. You are so loved, and so missed. xxx

Mothers Day

Mothers Day was on the weekend, I was so emotional leading up to it, and I have been extremely emotional since. It was so hard, my husband was so lovely though he tried so hard to wait on me the whole day, he cooked up a storm in the kitchen, and made a massive mess, which kept my stress levels high. I missed Harrison so very much. I thought that I should have a nearly 8 month old snuggled in bed with me, waking me up early. My 8 year old was so excited, and I must admit, that made the day a little easier with his excitement it was hard to let my sadness for Harrison be to overwhelming and consuming because of his excitement. '
For Harrison's charity we did a photo shoot on Saturday, and our photographer that supports Harrison's Little Wings, she has a little girl with an incurable condition, and she bought her along, She is absolutely beautiful Ruby, I sat with her most the time, looking at her and watching her, she has a oxygen tube, and a feeding tube, and she makes me think of Harrison and how that could have been a possiblity for me, the oxygen tubes, and tanks. Tanya her mother is awesome and she carries on with so much strength, I often wonder would I have handled my 3 older boys and Harrison as well as she does. Harrison was constantly on my mind that day, just wondering, and wishing he was here. Wondering in a way that was cruel, would he have been really sick if he had survived? All the would haves and could be's, when you lose your baby you often wonder what could have been, you try not to but it is something most of us grieving mothers do. It isn't just the loss of your baby, but the loss of so many hopes and dreams that you have for your children.

Harrison, I miss you and love you. I hope you got my cuddles and kisses on Mothers Day. Love Mummy