Sunday, February 13, 2011

How I wish you were here

It was my birthday on Wednesday, I just wished so badly Harrison was here. Birthdays seem to be so hard for me. I think that whole awareness that someone is missing comes out on those days. When Rodney and I went to Sydney we talked about what we are going to do on Harrison's birthday. That is going to be one of the saddest days in my life, that whole turning 1 is so special, he will be turning 1 as an angel I guess. We have a bit of a family tradition that we do up the kids favourite food for breakfast. I want it to be special. We have decided that our family is going to start a family tradition especially for Harrison. The day he was born and the day he died will be 2 days that we will take time out and celebrate our baby being here on this earth, no matter how brief he was here, he meant the world to us, and he changed our lives. 28 hours made a difference to our world, and the world around us.
I miss Harrison so very much, it is this longing for him that I can't explain. To have another baby wouldn't take that away, you just want the one that was here. I seem to have a load of friends that are pregnant at the moment. I am really happy for all of them. I am sure they don't know what to say to me. I am happy for all of them, but they can't protect me from them being pregnant, and it isn't them being pregnant that sometimes makes me sad, it sometimes just takes me back to being pregnant with Harrison, and what I don't have, It is so hard to explain it to people. I know if I wanted to I could fall pregnant very easily, but it is not that I want to be pregnant, it is that I want a baby that I can't have. He was here but here for to brief of a time. One of my friends due date is Harrison's date he was born. That was really hard. I just hope she goes early or late. Normally someones due date if it lands on your childs birthday it kind of would be really cool. You would never forget that friends childs birthday or age. But I guess it would just be hard for me, that would be a reminder always of what I don't have.
Harrison you are so very loved, I miss you so much. I felt a breeze today when I went for my walk, I knew you were sending love and kisses on it, I send you the biggest mummy hugs ever, and loads of mummy kisses. I love you sweet boy. Love mummy

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