Sending you kisses

Today is a day where I wish I could just send you a package of kisses and love.

I miss him everyday, I think of him every hour. The pain of losing him is the worst pain that I have ever felt in my life. Only another bereaved parent can understand the pain. My pet peeve is when people say you are doing so well. I am not doing as well as I make out. Yes life goes on, whether I want it to or not. I have 3 boys that are here, and I am so grateful for them. It does mean that I have to get up and live. Also Harrison has given me something to do, I will make the world know my son was here, and that he made a difference. So I am now in the process of setting up a charity in his memory. There are some really exciting things that are going to be happening this year, all in the memory of Harrison.

I miss you so very much. i hope you look down and are proud. I miss you. I love you very much.

Harrison's Layout

Here is another layout that I have done of Harrison. I am really picky about the papers that I use for his layouts. I just want them all to be perfect. With my other boys, I have an endless supply of photos and it doesn't matter if one of there layouts don't turn out as I would have like, but I only have limited photos of Harrison so they need to be perfect. I am so sad about him, and miss him very much. I love the colours in this paper, so tranquil, and perfect. Almost what I would think the colours of Heaven would be.

Harrison I love you so very much and missing you always. I just wish I could have you back. With so much love your Mummy.

Heaven...

Harrison, how can I explain to you how much we loved you? Can I scream it? Would you hear? Does God let you look down, or does he at least tell you about us? I wish I could send you a letter, an emaiil even, as long as it got to you. I would tell you so many things, I would want to know so much, what are you doing? Do you grow in heaven? Do the angels rock and sing to you? Does Jesus gather you all around and read you stories?

People say that when you go through a tragedy it makes you either believe in God more or move away from beliefs... I grew up in the church, my children attend a Christan school. I have always believed in God, I think the world is to intricate to believe it happened in some bang. Has my tragedy made me believe in God or move away?

I am really angry at God, I don't understand why I carried Harrison for 9 months and to then deliver him to then to be only taken away after 28 hours. Maybe God has a plan that I yet know about. Though through this time I need to believe in a Heaven and God because that is where I want Harrison to be in a beautiful place where everything is perfect, where he has no pain and is loved and nurtured.

Now I am left with a broken hearted, as a mother you just want to hold other mothers hands as they go through this dreadful experience. You know the pain that they are feeling. I am hoping I can turn my tragedy into a positive. Hence Harrison's charity.

Harrison I love you so very much. I miss you. Mummy

Today is a bit of a sad day

Today is a bit of a hard day, missing my little angel. I have had a dreaded head cold for a week, and it seemed to have just gotten worse today, so that doesn't help and then being a bit of a hard day. It is so hard to explain to people how sad some days can be. I just wish I could give him a hug and a kiss.
I did have some good news from a friend. We have come up with a bit of an idea for Harrison's charity (we will reveal it soon) some companies out there are just so generous and so willing to help.
With Harrison being sick and when he died, there were rays of light, that were people who just did something nice, not because they had, not because they were going to get recognition from it just because they cared and wanted to help. This world can be filled with money hungry people who don't particularly care about anything more then profit. But as I progress with Harrison's charity everyday there seems to be more rays of light, groups, companies that just want to help and think that Harrison's charity is such a lovely idea. This helps on days like today.
I also want to say a big thank you to a close friend of mine, Leanne you have been awesome and so supportive. Thank you for having so much drive for Harrison's charity and so willing to throw yourself into any ideas. It means alot, I think we make a great team..

Harrison I miss you so very much. I know you are with me everyday in my heart, I just wish you could be here with me in person. I love you so very much and words can't begin to describe how much I miss you and love you. Love Mummy

Working on your special day 12th March

I have been overwhelmed with peoples generousity, Kaisercraft has kindly donated these packs for us to raffle off on the day. this day is going to be really special, I am really looking forward to it. We have a load more goodies that we are keeping as a surprise for the day. I am really looking forward to being able to meet loads of new people and just have an all round great day. It will be truely a lovely day in memory of my gorgeous baby boy who is missed so very much

I love you my sweet little boy. Missing you so very much. Love Mummy

Missing you so very much

I wish I could touch your little feet, touch your little hands. Feel your soft skin again. I wish I could give you a hug and softly give you kisses. I sometimes wonder why was I choosen for this to happen. Are we choosen, or is it just something that happens?? I just wish I could know or get some answers.
I miss Harrison so very much. There is nothing any one can say or do to take it away. I just don;t understnad life. I don't understnad why this has happened. I wonder where my baby is. I was raised with Christian beliefs but when you go through something like this it does make you question religion. I do believe in God, and I want Harrison to be there in heaven with him. I must admit I do believe that. Not sure of much else though.

Harrison I love you. And like every day you are in my thoughts, and always in my heart. Love Mummy

You would be 5 months old today

I can't believe that you would be 5 months old today, I miss you so very much. It hasn't gotten any easier. I feel like I walk around through life with a mask on, trying to make out that life is ok. But deep down there are tears that are flowing all the time. NO one should ever have to watch there baby die, no one should have to say goodbye to there child. Us parents are suppose to outlive our children. I miss Harrison so very much.
One thing I have learnt through my whole pregnancy is don't make promises you can't keep. I had so many people offer to help in different ways, but had no intention of fulfilling that offer. I also had people there and now I bearly see or hear from them. Were they there to help,, but I don't think people understand that when Harrison died it was the eye of the storm. During my pregnancy was the start of the storm, his death was the eye and now is the end bit of the storm, but unfortunately sometimes I can't see how to rebuild, it seems you just co exist with this cyclone inside you.

Harrison, I love you so very much. blowing you kisses and hugs for today. I wonder what you are doing in heaven? Please God just give my sweet little boy my hugs and kisses.

How I wish you were here

It was my birthday on Wednesday, I just wished so badly Harrison was here. Birthdays seem to be so hard for me. I think that whole awareness that someone is missing comes out on those days. When Rodney and I went to Sydney we talked about what we are going to do on Harrison's birthday. That is going to be one of the saddest days in my life, that whole turning 1 is so special, he will be turning 1 as an angel I guess. We have a bit of a family tradition that we do up the kids favourite food for breakfast. I want it to be special. We have decided that our family is going to start a family tradition especially for Harrison. The day he was born and the day he died will be 2 days that we will take time out and celebrate our baby being here on this earth, no matter how brief he was here, he meant the world to us, and he changed our lives. 28 hours made a difference to our world, and the world around us.

I miss Harrison so very much, it is this longing for him that I can't explain. To have another baby wouldn't take that away, you just want the one that was here. I seem to have a load of friends that are pregnant at the moment. I am really happy for all of them. I am sure they don't know what to say to me. I am happy for all of them, but they can't protect me from them being pregnant, and it isn't them being pregnant that sometimes makes me sad, it sometimes just takes me back to being pregnant with Harrison, and what I don't have, It is so hard to explain it to people. I know if I wanted to I could fall pregnant very easily, but it is not that I want to be pregnant, it is that I want a baby that I can't have. He was here but here for to brief of a time. One of my friends due date is Harrison's date he was born. That was really hard. I just hope she goes early or late. Normally someones due date if it lands on your childs birthday it kind of would be really cool. You would never forget that friends childs birthday or age. But I guess it would just be hard for me, that would be a reminder always of what I don't have.

Harrison you are so very loved, I miss you so much. I felt a breeze today when I went for my walk, I knew you were sending love and kisses on it, I send you the biggest mummy hugs ever, and loads of mummy kisses. I love you sweet boy. Love mummy

Harrison's Sunset

I got Harrison's name written in the sand. The website does it in memory of there son that died. The website is namesinthesand.blogspot.com write your babies name in the sand. I really loved the idea, I love that on the web site they say that they believe that your baby chooses there own sunset. I love Harrison's sunset, I love the sun shimmering across the water. It kind of made me think he is up in Heaven and he is an angel with loads of brightness. I want to blow this image up and get it framed. That will be the next thing to do.

Harrison, I love you, this will never change. There is this emptiness that doesn't go away. I love you so very much, Love Mummy

My Birthday

It was my birthday yesterday, it was really hard to not have you here on those sorts of days. I had lots of tears. I had gotten your name written in the sand from a website and it came up yesterday on the web site. (the web site for those of you who are bereaved parents in nameinthe sand.blogspot.com )It was beautiful. So that made it nice to see that. Rodney tried really hard to make the day special for me. I also went to the hospital in the morning to take the first load of albums up. So in a way it was nice as I felt like I spent it with you. I am sure you had planned it as everyone was there yesterday that were key players in your life. Gina the midwife that took care of you, Marie who looked after you the day you died and Amanda the bereavement midwife. So it was nice to give all the girls a big hug and to talk to them.

I miss you so very much. I love you. I so very much wish you were here with me. Love Mummy

Sydney

I went to Sydney for the weekend. I found it hard getting on the plane as the last time I got on a plane was when I was pregnant. It was a real emotional day, friday. Rodney and I walked along Darling Harbour. It was nice, it was the first time he and I have had time to ourselves since losing Harrison. We sat at a restarant that looked out onto Darling Harbour and we chatted, but what I loved most is that we talked about Harrison. I did end up crying sitting there but it was nice to just chat, and not be interrupted by other children. On Sunday we went for a walk but I didn't realise we walked past the place we stayed when we came down to Sydney when I was pregnant. That sent me into a slight distressed state. A part of me wished I could be back there, at least Harrison was with us.There are so mnay moments, so many memories that make him still here with us. Sometimes I worry will he be forgotten, but now I know I over the weekend. Other people may forget my son, but I know Rodney and I especially our lives have been forever altered by our son, we will never forget him, he is with us everywhere we go.

Harrison I love you so very much. Miss you, Mummy

Going to Sydney

The last time I flew to Sydney was when I was about 6 months pregnant with Harrison, we heard about a christian man that had a gift in healing. I was willing to do anything to make my son better. I often wonder did I not have enough faith that God would heal him? What went wrong. This man has seen many miracles, I guess maybe that is why I had so much hope that Harrison would prove everyone wrong. So as always, there is that element of memory of him, and how he is not here with us.

I wish I could whisper lots of sweet things to you my sweet Harrison. I wish I could whisper I love you, feel your little breath on my cheek when you are sleeping in my arms. I wish I could get those moments that all mothers hold dear holding there babies and giving them those beautiful hugs, and not wanting to really put them in there bed because that moment you just want to take in. That is what I want with you Harrison. Those moments have been taken away from me. It just doesn't seem fair.

You are so very loved and missed so very much. I love you! Love Mummy

'A butterfly lights beside us like a sunbeam, and for a brief moment it's glory and beauty belong to our world, but then it flies again, And though we wish it could have stayed, we feel so lucky to have seen it.' Author Unknown.

I miss you my sweet darling Harrison. As always I miss you so very much and wish you were here. I went and got my hair done at the hairdressers today, I hadn't seen my hairdresser since just before I heard about Harrison having the Diaphragmatic Hernia. I explained to her that you kind of go into survival mode, and those luxury things you wipe because your just trying to get through each day. She asked me how I was doing. Not alot of people ask any more. I think they see me functioning and think I am doing ok. My birthday is coming up and I am finding that extremely hard. It is family moments like that bring up the loss even more. I should be having a birthday with a 5 month old baby, but he isn't here.

I love you my sweet boy, sending you hugs and kisses. Love Mummy