Sunday, January 30, 2011
I have never received so many flowers, or even seen that many flowers in someones house before, after Harrison died. the funny thing is as much as each bunch was beautiful, they died and seeing another thing die made me sad.
I have been really busy lately organising Harrison's charity, hence why there hasn't been many entries the last week or so. His charity makes me feel closer to him. Also it is another way I can talk about him.
I miss him so much. I can't believe four and half months have gone by since he was born. In some ways it feels like forever ago, so much has happened in my life since then. But in other ways it feels like yesterday. I went to dinner last night at a restaurant near the Mater, all I wanted to do all night was to run down there, it is the weirdest thing, I know he is gone, but sometimes I just want to check to make sure. In some ways I think it a copying strategy my body does, because reality is just to harsh, and I know his gone, but I think my brain ticks with some dellusion that he may still be there
I have come to a discusion that I am not having any more babies. After Harrison dying in my arms, I can't imagine ever holding another new born. It seems this sacred place that belongs to him and my heart can't let that go. I was sad last night about Harrison, my husband asked me if I was sure about not having any more, my reply to that was that no I didn't want another baby, I wanted Harrison. That is never gong to happen.
If the world could only feel a fraction of the loss that I feel, I think it would change most peoples lives. This hearache that I feel is so more intense and deeper then the heartache that you feel with the loss of your first love. It doesn't gradually go away, it simmers under the service, just waiting for a trigger then it explodes with suc intensity that it feels like I am right back in that room when he was dying. Sometimes I want to scream, why me, why did this have to happen to me. Why does anyone have to go through this. It is horrible.
Harrison I love you so very much, I miss you. With your charity, I have been taking your album around showing you off. I love looking at your photos. You are so very missed my sweet little boy. What I would give to have you back. Love Mummy