You mean the world to me

I have been flat out doing your charity stuff lately, I am humbled by the unbelievable response that I am having with the scrapbooking world. Thank you to all you scrappers out there that have rallied with me to make Harrison's charity come together. I hope he is looking down and being so proud of his mummy.

I miss you so very much. I just wish you were here. Being near the Mater on Saturday night makes me miss you even more. Next week I am making a trip up there to drop off more cards and your albums. It is always hard to go there, but there is where I feel close to you, except sometimes I just want to make sure you aren't there, it is this pull because sometimes I just want to make sure they didn't get it wrong. I wanted a miracle and my miracle didn't come.

I constantly question God. Why?? Why let me carry a baby for 9 months? Why give me so much hope to then take him away from me. I have so many regrets, so many wishes that will never come true.

Harrison my sweet little boy, I love you, as time goes by the pain never goes away, I think you learn to live with the pain and the sadness. I love you. I hope the angels rock you tonight and sing to you untill you go to sleep. I love you my sweet little angel. Love Mummy

Flowers

I have never received so many flowers, or even seen that many flowers in someones house before, after Harrison died. the funny thing is as much as each bunch was beautiful, they died and seeing another thing die made me sad.

I have been really busy lately organising Harrison's charity, hence why there hasn't been many entries the last week or so. His charity makes me feel closer to him. Also it is another way I can talk about him.

I miss him so much. I can't believe four and half months have gone by since he was born. In some ways it feels like forever ago, so much has happened in my life since then. But in other ways it feels like yesterday. I went to dinner last night at a restaurant near the Mater, all I wanted to do all night was to run down there, it is the weirdest thing, I know he is gone, but sometimes I just want to check to make sure. In some ways I think it a copying strategy my body does, because reality is just to harsh, and I know his gone, but I think my brain ticks with some dellusion that he may still be there

I have come to a discusion that I am not having any more babies. After Harrison dying in my arms, I can't imagine ever holding another new born. It seems this sacred place that belongs to him and my heart can't let that go. I was sad last night about Harrison, my husband asked me if I was sure about not having any more, my reply to that was that no I didn't want another baby, I wanted Harrison. That is never gong to happen.

If the world could only feel a fraction of the loss that I feel, I think it would change most peoples lives. This hearache that I feel is so more intense and deeper then the heartache that you feel with the loss of your first love. It doesn't gradually go away, it simmers under the service, just waiting for a trigger then it explodes with suc intensity that it feels like I am right back in that room when he was dying. Sometimes I want to scream, why me, why did this have to happen to me. Why does anyone have to go through this. It is horrible.

Harrison I love you so very much, I miss you. With your charity, I have been taking your album around showing you off. I love looking at your photos. You are so very missed my sweet little boy. What I would give to have you back. Love Mummy

The morning you were born

These photos were taken the morning I delivered Harrison (14th September 2010) I was so nervous that morning, trying to hold it together. I spend alot of time on Harrison's layouts, I want them all to be really special, so far with his album I love all the layouts. I want his album to be so perfect.
I saw a pram the other day that was like the one I was going to get if all went well with Harrison, there was a little baby in it, Cody my 2 year old went up and wanted to look at the baby. It made me get really teary, I couldn't help but think that Cody should have been able to enjoy being a big brother to Harrison. He should have been able to go up to our own pram and look to see his own baby brother.

Harrison, I look up at the stars at night and wonder where you are. I love you so very much, and I miss you everyday. Love Mummy

Angel

I did this layout recently, love scrapbooking, and when I do Harrison's layout, in a strange way I feel like I am doing something with him, so I love scrapping his photos. I titled it Angel, because he is my angel. I will keep adding his layouts so you can see his album starting to shape up. He is so missed.
Sometimes it feels like it is a dream all that has happened. More like a nightmare,

I miss you my sweet little boy. Loving you more everyday. Love Mummy

This was my dresser with all the sympathy cards we recieved after Harrison was born. And the orchids that we were delivered. We got 2 pots of these orchids, A pink one and a white flowered one. I really treasure these, I am usually not very good at keeping plants alive. But these sit in my dining room and I am obsessed about nothing happening to them. We were told by the people that gave them to us that they will flower at the same time every year, and that is when Harrison was born and when he died. I really love them, taking care of them, I think of Harrison,

I love you my sweet Harrison.

Cogenital Diaphragmatic Hernia Awareness

I just wanted to dedicate this entry to create awareness to Cogenital Diaphragmatic Hernia. This is the condition that Harrison had, that cost him his life. This is usually picked up on Scans. Harrison's was picked up on his 20 week scan. This is where there is a hole in the Diaphragm wall and it allows organs from the stomach area to move up into the chest cavity and affects your baby's lung growth and can also affect babies hearts. Harrison had his stomach and his bowel in his chest cavity, this caused his heart to shift over to the left side and then affected his lung growth. Harrison's heart wasn't affected other then being moved over to the wrong side, but babies that aren't born with enough lung can not breath and there is nothing any one can do about it. Therefore this cost my son who was 28 hours young his life. Some babies do survive this condition. It depends on the severity of the hernia, and how much it has affected the lung growth. I miss my son so very much. I hope that one day my son's story can help another family cope with there journey with Cogenital Diaphragmatic Hernia.

I love you Harrison. There is not a day, or an hour that goes by that I don't think of you. Missing you so very much. Mummy

Missing you

I miss you so very much. I have been busy lately organising your charity. It has made me feel like you are with me when I do this. It Makes me feel a little closer to you. I read on a facebook message that someone had there baby who had a diaphragmatic hernia baby going in for there operation. I cried hearing that, I wanted that so badly, I was so wishng that is what had happened with us. In one way it was nice to hear that a diaphragmatic hernia baby got to the operation. But then another side was there to, that why didn't we get that far. Why did Harrison have to go. When I read that message, it knocked the wind out of me. I wish so badly I could have been in there shoes.

Harrison I miss you so much. I wish you were here with us. Sending you big hugs and loads of kisses my sweet little boy. Love Mummy

My Favourite photo of you

This is my favourite photo that I have of Harrison. This photo sits beside my bed. The hospital took it of him the first time I saw him. When the flash went off he jumped. I love this photo he just looks so perfect, so like any other baby except with a tube. Gosh I miss him.

The last few days have been really busy. I live in Brisbane where we have had severe flooding. I have been out trying to help. I have busied myself with baking and donating stuff that we don't need. I guess I can understand there loss. I have lost the most precious gift ever, so I can relate to those that have lost there stuff. Though I must admit I would give up my house and my stuff to have Harrison back.

Harrison I miss you so much, I love you. I think of you all the time. I wish you were here. Love Mummy

What Makes a Mother

I am missing you like crazy. It is pouring here, flooding everywhere, I look out the window and it seems to me that the sky just matches what I feel in side. Gloomy and so sad. Some times I want to scream at the world and tell them all to leave me alone, I just want to sit for awhile and be sad. I don't want people to tell me how strong I am, especially when they haven't been bothered to ask me how I really am.

I love you my sweet Harrison, I miss you like anything. I hope God sits you on his lap and tells you the most beautiful of stories, and the angels sing you the prettiest of songs. I love you.

What can I say???

What can I say...... How can I tell you how much I love you..... How much I miss you. None of this is new, everyday is a hard day, everyday is another day gone by with out you, I carry this loss around with me everywhere I go, it's this void that has been created, never to be filled again. I scramble to make memories so that you will never be forgotten, I can't bear the thought of not having you with me in some sort of way. I miss you my sweet little boy, I miss those big title wave moves you did Those boots to my insides, you sitting on my bladder. I miss your little attitude you had when any person wanted to listen to your heart beat. I would give anything for one more day of being pregnant with you and having hope that you would be ok. I would give anything to have one more hour with you alive. To whisper things into your ear, how much I love you, and how perfect you were. You are so missed my little one. I love you.

Your photos

I love looking at your photos. I look at your beautiful little features. I miss you so much. Though I look at the small amount of things I have that are my memories of you, and honestly there is not alot there. It just seems a little unfair. The rain at the moment certainly matches my mood. I just want to stay in bed, stay in bed and think of you. I can't begin to explain, I don't think there is words to say how much I miss you and how much I love you.

Harrison I love you, sending you kisses and hugs. From Mummy

I love you

'If tears could build a stairway and memories a lane, I'd walk right up to heaven and bring you home again.'

Author Unknow

How do you begin to explain how much it hurts, how much you miss someone, the pain is not like any other. I remember how heart broken I was when I met my first love and things didn't go well. That seems so insignificant to what I feel now. The heart break of losing your baby, and how the pain never goes away. How out of the blue that memory comes flooding back and it can turn you from a normal person to a wreck. I wish for just one more moement, to steal one more kiss. To have that little hand to hold.

There is not a day that goes by that I don't miss you Harrison, there is not a second that ticks by that I don't love you. the saying above if I could do that I would. I love you and miss you. Love Mummy

Friends on earth

I friend of mine tagged me in on facebook to this picture. I really love it. I think as a mother you don't want your baby to be alone. So to think that Harrison is up in heaven with other babies is comforting. I have met some really special mums that have had to also deal with losing there babies. Some have been friends for a while and they never talked about it untill they knew about what was going on with Harrison, and others I have met through the support group (Sands) I tend to cry over everyones loss, I guess to me I know the pain of losing Harrison so you can totally relate to there pain. But also it just seems to sad. That isn't the way it is suppose to work. I went into Harrison's birth wanting to believe in Miracles. I wanted to tell the doctors that my boy was a miracle. I guess I wanted the doctors to be so wrong.

My sweet Harrison, I hope you up in Heaven with Miller, Jay, Leith, Chloe and Lily. I hope you are altogether, playing with the angels. I hope there are the most beautiful fields filled with the most enchanting flowers. I hope you all look after each other. You are all so very missed, and so very loved. I miss you Harrison, I love you. Sending you all lots of cuddles.

Loving you

My cousin bought me this beautiful necklace, I love this, it is amazing how people design things that say so much. Thank you Holly for this. I carry all my memories of Harrison on a chain. They are my links to my son, and I appiciate all my friends who have helped me collect these special things to remind me of my Harrison.

I miss you my sweet Harrison. I loves you.

Harrison's Foot Prints

My girlfriend Jodi, spoke to me a few weeks after Harrison was born about this company that she had found who takes fingerprints, footprints and handprints of your children and then they shrink it and put it onto a necklace or a keyring the company is www.smallp.com.au she got me to send down footprints of Harrison that the hospital did up for me. She then got me this beautiful necklace

This company has also just introduced engraving on the back, so Jodi got this saying put on the back 'Each breeze you feel and see brings love and a kiss from me' Jodi had taken this off the poem that was read out at Harrison's funeral When she gave it to me, it made me cry so much. It is so special, and so perfect. I feel so blessed to have special things that I carry with me on my necklace all the time. I have a locket on my chain that has a photo of Harrison and his hair, and my cousin gave me a beautiful pendant that is a mother holding a baby, and Jodi gave me this. I now carry a photo, hair, his footprints, and love, close to my heart all the time These things mean so much to me, as no matter where I am he is always close to me. Thank you Jodi so much for this beautiful gift.

Harrison, I am missing you more and more each day. I looked through your photos last night, the moment I see them, it takes my breath away. I miss you so much. I love you my sweet angel Love Mummy

The New Year

I found last night, New Years was really hard. We had some close friends with us but it was still hard to think I was leaving the year behind that you were born. The year that you were here. I thought of you most the night, wishing you were with us. I wanted the year to end for so many reasons, but there was a part of me that didn't want it to end because it was another attachment to you. I miss you so much.

Harrison, I miss you more each day. I love you, I have felt loads of breezes lately, maybe because you are sending extra love and kisses to me. Sending all my love to you my sweet baby boy. I love you. Love Mummy