Debriefing Day

Yesterday was the 6 week anniversary of Harrison's death. Yesterday we had the debriefing day at the Mater Hospital where Harrison was born and where he died. The debriefing just goes over everything that happened and if we have any questions to ask, this is where you do it. It was a really emotional day for me. Sometimes when your pregnant and you have a sick baby become routine. Going to the hospital for appointments was such a normal thing. I got in the car yesterday to go to the appointment and thought I haven't got my orange book (for those of you who don't know when you a pregnant you get an orange book that holds all your records for your pregnancy and you take it to each appointment) then it hit me that I don't need my orange book. That started the tears. Then as we were waiting in the waiting room, I went to the toilet and washed my hands and the soap made me think of him. When your baby is in the nursury you are constantly washing your hands and that seems to be the thing that you smell when you are there. So that made me sad. I remember cuddling Harrison and he smelt of the soap as everyone that touched him had washed there hands. The soap was the thing that made me cry the most. It is those little things that you don't expect seems to be the hardest to deal with. I had pysched myself up for the meeting, but didn't think about the soap. The doctors at the Mater were wonderful, they explained the Dyaphragmatic Hernia again and maybe in a bit more detail, I guess the difference was this time was there was no hope there. There was no chance Harrison could out do there odds. One of biggest questions I have asked myself over the last 6 weeks, did I have to much hope, I really did think Harrison would have been ok. After yesterday I have realised that it is a natarual instinct for a mother to have hope. It is a natural instinct for a mother to hope for the best for her children. Maybe it also was a coping mechanism on my part. If I thought Harrison wasn't going to survive life would have been to hard.
They told us that roughly at the Mater hospital 2 babies die a week there. Really when you think of it, they said there are 50000 babies born there a year and only 2 babies die a week, I think that is good odds. Unfortunately Harrison is one of those babies. They also said that they have roughly on average only 10 dyaphragmatic Hernia babies born a year, so it isn't enough to do alot of research as to why it happens. I walked out of that meeting thinking Harrison really didn't have a chance in surviving, how cruel can this world be! It just doesn't seem fair that Harrison had to go through what he did. Why does God let that happen? I don't understand. One thing is I am glad that I got to meet my son. I had 29 hours of him and they are one of the most precious hours I will ever have in my life. Those 29 hours are like a movie that I watch over and over again.
I read something someone had written and the end of it said God has trouble finding angels and so he has to keep some of those babies that are to special. So I think of my Harrison as an angel in Heaven. He showed us that he was a little fighter, and he was full of character, so I can understand in a way why God would want him, it is just that I wanted him to.