Today was a hard day for me, what day isn't. It is strange some days are easier then others, but life has been like I am living in a haze, each day that haze lifts and then the real heartache sets in. Sometimes it is like reality hits you so hard that it takes your breath away. Today a friend of mine had lunch for her baby shower, I went. Gosh that was hard, it was hard on so many levels, I am so happy for her and I was trying to be careful as it was her day and I didn't want to spoil it in any way, in the end I had to do a quick get away. She got gifts of course, but I couldn't look at the clothes because I knew I wasn't that stronge, so the menu became my best friend, I think I memorised that menu, I looked at it so much. I also felt like a phony. Small talk doesn't make sense to me anymore. There were moments where I thought if Harrison did well I would have been at the hospital this morning, lunch would have been easy to come to as the hospital wasn't far from the lunch. Then it is like reality hits you and the realisation that it never will be. I think I had my heart so set on that Harrison was going to do ok, and that he would have a real fight on his hands but he would be ok, and he wasn't ok. He didn't make it. And it knocks you so hard, and the heartache, makes you feel like your heart is ripped out and about to explode with utter anguish and the pain is excruitating. In the end after sitting there I had to go, today is like so many days where I hold it together and get to the car and cry. Actually sob would be the better word. I have learnt alot about myself and I am definitely not one that displays emotion in public. I am definitely someone that likes to grieve alone. I never realised you could miss someone so much. I prayed that God would give Harrison a kiss and a cuddle from me today. I love you HarrisonSaturday, October 23, 2010
Heartache
Today was a hard day for me, what day isn't. It is strange some days are easier then others, but life has been like I am living in a haze, each day that haze lifts and then the real heartache sets in. Sometimes it is like reality hits you so hard that it takes your breath away. Today a friend of mine had lunch for her baby shower, I went. Gosh that was hard, it was hard on so many levels, I am so happy for her and I was trying to be careful as it was her day and I didn't want to spoil it in any way, in the end I had to do a quick get away. She got gifts of course, but I couldn't look at the clothes because I knew I wasn't that stronge, so the menu became my best friend, I think I memorised that menu, I looked at it so much. I also felt like a phony. Small talk doesn't make sense to me anymore. There were moments where I thought if Harrison did well I would have been at the hospital this morning, lunch would have been easy to come to as the hospital wasn't far from the lunch. Then it is like reality hits you and the realisation that it never will be. I think I had my heart so set on that Harrison was going to do ok, and that he would have a real fight on his hands but he would be ok, and he wasn't ok. He didn't make it. And it knocks you so hard, and the heartache, makes you feel like your heart is ripped out and about to explode with utter anguish and the pain is excruitating. In the end after sitting there I had to go, today is like so many days where I hold it together and get to the car and cry. Actually sob would be the better word. I have learnt alot about myself and I am definitely not one that displays emotion in public. I am definitely someone that likes to grieve alone. I never realised you could miss someone so much. I prayed that God would give Harrison a kiss and a cuddle from me today. I love you Harrison
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Oh Mel, my heart is just breaking for you :(
ReplyDeleteOne of the things people used to say to me after my baby daughter died was that time heals all wounds. I can tell you that it doesn't, but I can tell you, that eventually you will find a way to live with the pain so that your life feels more 'normal' again. 24 years for me and I have a wonderful life and amazing children and I'm happy. You will make it, and in time you will smile again and laugh again, you'll get through this, but you will be forever changed. Just keep getting up every morning! Big hugs to you!
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