Hope

I think as a mother especially when you have a child you have HOPE. In my situation after we found out thats all I could have. Was I hoped Harrison would be ok. I worked everything out, and prepared myself that Harrison would be ok and we would be going up to the hospital many times to see him, but now that kind of has back fired on me, as I do stuff around my house there is constant reminders of how I had things organised to be very busy and almost living up at the hospital. I would give anything for that to be true. But as I reflect Hope is like a double edge sword. Because I think back the day Harrison died and I kept thinking how he was going to be ok, I don't know if it is your mind disillusioning you because I would have crumbled on that day if I had thought that he was going to die which while I was pregnant, I did think about that every now and then, but I don't think you can ever prepare your self for that. And it was something I found to hard to think about. I now think why did I think that, why didn't I give him more kisses. You go over it again and again, and I just don't understand what I was thinking that day. It is almost like I was on automatic pilot. It was like an outer body experience where you can see your self, it is almost like a dream. I wish it was. Now as I sit was it good to have so much hope, should I have thought about Harrison dying more, I don't know, I don't know if I could have. I miss you so much Harrison, mummy sends lots of kisses and hugs to you. I love you