Your brothers will remember

I am blessed to have 3 boys, My eldest Donovan is turning 12, Jordy is 7 and Cody who is turning 2. Harrison was our 4th boy. In a way I wanted a girl, but I love boys, they are fun. Also I think when you have the same sex children, it is easier, you have clothes and toys already. When we heard Harrison was a boy, I was excited. (We had just bought 1 acre of land and were building a house) I was thinking we would have 4 boys running around outside, playing. But at least our yard was big enough for them. When we heard about Harrison, we told the boys that he was sick. Jordy asked was he going to die, we told him that we weren't sure, but it was a possibility. I wanted to be honest with them, I am so glad now I was. When I was pregnant we would tell Cody that baby Harrison was in my tummy. He use to give my tummy kisses and hugs. It was so hard coming home and talking about Harrison, Cody would go to my tummy, and I would have to say no baby Harrison isn't there any more. Now I have to take him to a photo on the wall and show him baby Harrison. I have a locket that I wear around my neck that has Harrison's photo and lock of hair in it. So Cody likes to look at that. It makes me sad though, Cody will only ever know of his baby brother through a photo. I want so badly for the boys to know and remember there brother. I know for Donovan and Jordan they will remember and I can talk to them about it. Cody being so much younger worries me the most, as he will forget. So I am determineed that we remind him every day of Harrison.

How would I have survived without you guys..

Harrison's pregnancy wasn't the easiest, we found out at our 20 week scan that Harrison had Dyaphragmatic Hernia, our lives were turned up side down. I have learnt through this valuable life lessons and that is that people come into your lives for a reason and in times of hardship there are special people that step up and just carry you through it. Through all of our Dramas with Harrison, from when we first found out to the very end there were some people that I am sure are angels in my life. My friend Penny, wow where would i have been with out you. Thank you for always baby sitting Cody, doing flowers for Harrisons funeral, organising meals, letting people know what was going on. Plus just being there emotionally. I miss seeing you as much now that we have moved and not going to the school as often.

Leah who car pools with me, for just being ready to drop anything any time. We appriciate you being the point of call and letting everyone know what was going on and having to face the tyrad of questions from everyone. Thank you for coming to see Harrison with me. I am so glad you got to see my little boy.

Anne, thank you for being there at the hospital. You were one of the few that got to meet my sweet little Harrison alive. I know you have an attachment to him, thank you for being the one that walked into my room when the nursury rang about Harrisons dive. Thank you for calming me. Also thank you for continuely asking how I am doing, and being supportive, what would I do without your text???? Tahnee, you have been great, thanks for cleaning my floors before the funeral, it certainly wasn't something that was on my list of things to do. For being a friend and just always so supportive to me.

I would like to thank Kim who dropped her life to fly up for Harrison's funeral. Raquel, Louise, Silke, Sussi, Sam, you guys have been amazing. Thanks for the phone calls, the visits, massages and meals. It all makes a difference. Losing Harrison has been the hardest, darkest part of my life but these people have been a light, angels on earth for me. I know you all had such hopes that Harrison would be ok. I had hoped he would be ok. Thank you for all just surrounding me with such love. I will always love you, and hold you dear to me. You are all part of Harrisons story, I am so sorry you didn't get to meet him, he was amazing. I know one day you will all get to meet him in Heaven.

A very big thank you

I would just like to take the time to thank some people. Firstly I would like to thank the Mater Hospital, it is sad that they have to perfect this sort of thing, but I really think they did a wonderful job in supporting us and giving us all the information they could and kept us informed. Also they have some brillant staff that I would like to thank, these 3 people will be a part of me for the rest of my life, to me they are part of Harrison's story and his short life. I would like to say a huge thank you to Gina the midwife that I was given through my pregnancy. Gina would be smiling everytime I saw her, and I felt really looked after. I miss seeing Gina, she is one of those people that would do anything for you. Thank you Gina for doing all that you could for me. I really appriciate it. Also I would like to thank Maree, she was the nurse that looked after Harrison the day he died. She was doing a 12 hour shift, she spent all day with him doing all that she could. I knew Harrison was in the best of hands, Maree was fantastic. Maree you have a hard job, and you are amazing. I felt for you, you looked after Harrison all day to lose him at 5.30 and your shift finished at 7. That is a hard day at work. Thank you so much for giving him the best of care. Thank you also for calling Jenny Ruddle the professional photographer in. She took the most amazing photos that I will treasure forever. Also I would like to thank Amanda. Amands my bereavement midwife. She was an angel when she walked into my room the morning after Harrison died. You have been so supportive and just being someone who knows what we are going through. Thank you for my job to do. I love it and I can't wait to get to it. I would also like to thank the doctors and all other staff that helped my little boy.

People move on, but I can't

I layed awake half the night last night, you are constantly on my mind. I started to think I was doing ok, but it is back to being hard. After the debriefing I felt like Harrison didn't have much of a chance to live. It is so hard as my friends have gotten on with there lives and i am stuck and I don't feel like I can get on with my life. I am not ready to move on. My life has changed now and there is a part of my heart that is gone forever and is replaced with sadness. Christmas coming up bothers me as I won't have my baby boy there with us. I still have to face getting Christmas laybys off with toys for him in it. I miss you today Harrison, like every other day, today is just filled with sadness. I love you, I am sending you a kiss and a hug with lots of love from me.

Debriefing Day

Yesterday was the 6 week anniversary of Harrison's death. Yesterday we had the debriefing day at the Mater Hospital where Harrison was born and where he died. The debriefing just goes over everything that happened and if we have any questions to ask, this is where you do it. It was a really emotional day for me. Sometimes when your pregnant and you have a sick baby become routine. Going to the hospital for appointments was such a normal thing. I got in the car yesterday to go to the appointment and thought I haven't got my orange book (for those of you who don't know when you a pregnant you get an orange book that holds all your records for your pregnancy and you take it to each appointment) then it hit me that I don't need my orange book. That started the tears. Then as we were waiting in the waiting room, I went to the toilet and washed my hands and the soap made me think of him. When your baby is in the nursury you are constantly washing your hands and that seems to be the thing that you smell when you are there. So that made me sad. I remember cuddling Harrison and he smelt of the soap as everyone that touched him had washed there hands. The soap was the thing that made me cry the most. It is those little things that you don't expect seems to be the hardest to deal with. I had pysched myself up for the meeting, but didn't think about the soap. The doctors at the Mater were wonderful, they explained the Dyaphragmatic Hernia again and maybe in a bit more detail, I guess the difference was this time was there was no hope there. There was no chance Harrison could out do there odds. One of biggest questions I have asked myself over the last 6 weeks, did I have to much hope, I really did think Harrison would have been ok. After yesterday I have realised that it is a natarual instinct for a mother to have hope. It is a natural instinct for a mother to hope for the best for her children. Maybe it also was a coping mechanism on my part. If I thought Harrison wasn't going to survive life would have been to hard.
They told us that roughly at the Mater hospital 2 babies die a week there. Really when you think of it, they said there are 50000 babies born there a year and only 2 babies die a week, I think that is good odds. Unfortunately Harrison is one of those babies. They also said that they have roughly on average only 10 dyaphragmatic Hernia babies born a year, so it isn't enough to do alot of research as to why it happens. I walked out of that meeting thinking Harrison really didn't have a chance in surviving, how cruel can this world be! It just doesn't seem fair that Harrison had to go through what he did. Why does God let that happen? I don't understand. One thing is I am glad that I got to meet my son. I had 29 hours of him and they are one of the most precious hours I will ever have in my life. Those 29 hours are like a movie that I watch over and over again.
I read something someone had written and the end of it said God has trouble finding angels and so he has to keep some of those babies that are to special. So I think of my Harrison as an angel in Heaven. He showed us that he was a little fighter, and he was full of character, so I can understand in a way why God would want him, it is just that I wanted him to.

How beautiful were you

Harrison was just so gorgeous, you can't explain when you see your baby for the first time, it takes your breath away, you have adored this baby for months while being pregnant, you feel them move and they have there own personality. Harrison certainly kept those cute little traits up after he was born, the nurses said that he liked to pull his cords out. I am glad they told me things like that, I hold on to those words as I know he was a little fighter. I know my beautiful baby gave everything he could to stay. You were so wanted and so loved. He looked so good the day he was born, this is a picture of him a few hours after he was born. I feel so ripped off you carry a baby for 9 months to have him with you for only 29 hours doesn't seem fair. I look at his pictures all the time. Is this heartache ever going to stop, a part of me doesn't want it to, if it does stop will I forget him? I just want the world to know that Harrison was here, he was here and so perfect and beautiful.

Hope

I think as a mother especially when you have a child you have HOPE. In my situation after we found out thats all I could have. Was I hoped Harrison would be ok. I worked everything out, and prepared myself that Harrison would be ok and we would be going up to the hospital many times to see him, but now that kind of has back fired on me, as I do stuff around my house there is constant reminders of how I had things organised to be very busy and almost living up at the hospital. I would give anything for that to be true. But as I reflect Hope is like a double edge sword. Because I think back the day Harrison died and I kept thinking how he was going to be ok, I don't know if it is your mind disillusioning you because I would have crumbled on that day if I had thought that he was going to die which while I was pregnant, I did think about that every now and then, but I don't think you can ever prepare your self for that. And it was something I found to hard to think about. I now think why did I think that, why didn't I give him more kisses. You go over it again and again, and I just don't understand what I was thinking that day. It is almost like I was on automatic pilot. It was like an outer body experience where you can see your self, it is almost like a dream. I wish it was. Now as I sit was it good to have so much hope, should I have thought about Harrison dying more, I don't know, I don't know if I could have. I miss you so much Harrison, mummy sends lots of kisses and hugs to you. I love you

Heartache

Today was a hard day for me, what day isn't. It is strange some days are easier then others, but life has been like I am living in a haze, each day that haze lifts and then the real heartache sets in. Sometimes it is like reality hits you so hard that it takes your breath away. Today a friend of mine had lunch for her baby shower, I went. Gosh that was hard, it was hard on so many levels, I am so happy for her and I was trying to be careful as it was her day and I didn't want to spoil it in any way, in the end I had to do a quick get away. She got gifts of course, but I couldn't look at the clothes because I knew I wasn't that stronge, so the menu became my best friend, I think I memorised that menu, I looked at it so much. I also felt like a phony. Small talk doesn't make sense to me anymore. There were moments where I thought if Harrison did well I would have been at the hospital this morning, lunch would have been easy to come to as the hospital wasn't far from the lunch. Then it is like reality hits you and the realisation that it never will be. I think I had my heart so set on that Harrison was going to do ok, and that he would have a real fight on his hands but he would be ok, and he wasn't ok. He didn't make it. And it knocks you so hard, and the heartache, makes you feel like your heart is ripped out and about to explode with utter anguish and the pain is excruitating. In the end after sitting there I had to go, today is like so many days where I hold it together and get to the car and cry. Actually sob would be the better word. I have learnt alot about myself and I am definitely not one that displays emotion in public. I am definitely someone that likes to grieve alone. I never realised you could miss someone so much. I prayed that God would give Harrison a kiss and a cuddle from me today. I love you Harrison

A Fathers Love

Rodney didn't handle the news very well when we found out at our 20 week scan very well. He found the whole pregnancy and appointments and test all hard. He actually could be a pain to be around as he would be so grumpy. I thought I handled the pregnancy ok, my whole out look on it was that while I was pregnant, Harrison was ok. I knew once he was born that was when the real challenge was. So I could feel him move and kick, babies have such personalities when your pregnant, and Harrison was so cheeky, he loved to stick his little bum out and do title wave moves. So in my way of thinking that was still having him, I was dreading the birth and so scared of it, as I felt it was out of my hands. If it was possible I would have stay pregnant so I could have him in some way. I think Rodney handled Harrison being born better then I did. Well to a degree. The nurse asked Rodney if he wanted to see him after he had been ventilated, Rodney went and saw him, and I think all the stress hit him at once and he nearly fainted, the nurse took him down and put him on the ground. She bought him back to sit next to me while they stitched me up. She told me she thought this was the best place for him. Rodney got to spend alot of time down with Harrison that night he was born. I wasn't able to go as I was hooked up to bits and bobs, now though I envy that time he got to just sit with him and touch him. I would give anything for just one more hour with Harrison. Harrison I hope you know you were so loved. Daddy loved you heaps and in this photo he was giving you an eskimo kiss. We both miss you so much.

I miss you today

Some days are better than others, today is a hard day. Some days I can look at Harrisons photos and be sad but not cry, today is a day where I cry when I see that sweet little face.There is such an emptiness there, a void that will never be filled. A special place where Harrison will be remembered. The hospital organises a debriefing where you sit down with doctors and people that were involved with Harrisons care, it is strange feeling, due to us knowing Harrison wasn't well from our 20 week scan we had sooo many hospital visits, then Harrison was born. Your life becomes so busy with Hospital visits, Harrison was born, I not only lost my baby, but also you lose this part of your life of hospital visits. In a way I am looking forward to going to the hospital. Also I only knew Harrison to be there, after giving bitth, A part of me wants to go to be there where he was, even though it was brief. In a way maybe I can get closer to him by being there. Gosh I miss him today. I wish I could give him a big hug and kiss his little head again.

All the memories I can get

Some of my girlfriends all put money in for me to get twinkle toes why I was pregnant. The twinkle toes lady came to the hospital and did his little molds. I am so glad I have these, all these little memories mean the world to me. I have got the twinkle toes done for all my boys, so Harrison hangs on the wall with his brothers ones. A very big thank you to all my girlfriends who put in money, these are just a beautiful reminder of his little hands and feet that will be so important to me.

Grief

It has been 5 weeks today when Harrison died, in some ways it seems like forever ago, in other ways it was like yesterday. It is almost cruel that life goes on, you sometimes just want the world to stop so that you can cry and nothing goes on. You want to be able to take a breath and think. Unfortunately the world keeps turning and gets busier every day. Mornings are the worst for me, I wake up and sometimes I think maybe it was just a dream, then reality kicks in, and no that actually did happen, then the thought of another day going by with out Harrison makes me cry. For a women our body sets us up to wake several times a night while we are pregnant. I have constant reminders every day the baby that I don't have, I wake up through the night and think I should have a baby to be getting up to. I usually breast feed, and I have noticed that still now my body has bounced back like it usually does. I cleaned up the wardrobe yesterday in what was going to be Harrisons room. We didn't set his room up as we knew he wasn't well and also we weren't sure if Harrison did ok how long he was going to be in hospital. I am glad I didn't set the room up, it was hard enough cleaning out the wardrobe where I had put things, like baby toys and baby blankets and towels. I boxed it all up but I didn't have the heart to put them any where else but back into the wardrobe in boxes. Not a day goes by, not even an hour goes by where I don't think of my little angel Harrison.

Death of a Child

by Sandy Eakle
Sorry I didn't get to stay.

To laugh and run and play.

To be there by your side.

I'm sorry that I had to die.
God sent me down to be with you,

to make your loving heart anew.

To help you look up and see Both God and little me.
Mommy, I wish I could stay.

Just like I heard you pray.

But, all the angels did cry when they told little me goodbye.
God didn't take me cause He's mad.

He didn't send me to make you sad.

But to give us both a chance to be a love so precious .. don't you see?
Up here no trouble do I see

and the pretty angels sing to me.

The streets of gold is where I play

you'll come here too, mommy, someday.
Until the day you join me here,

I'll love you mommy, dear.

Each breeze you feel and see, brings love and a kiss from me.

This poem was read out at Harrisons Funeral. I love this poem, everytime I feel a breeze I think of Harrison.

In Harrison's order of Service for his funeral I put this poem, I noticed someone put this in the comment section of one of my post.

Tiny Angel

Tiny Angels rest your wings sit with me for awhile.How I long to hold you hand, And see your tender smile. Tiny Angel, look at me, I want this image clear... That I will forget your precious face is my biggest fear. Tiny Angel can you tell me Why you have gone away?

You weren't here for very long.... Why is it, you couldn't stay?

Tiny Angel shook his head,

"These things I do not know...

But I do know that you love me,

And that I love you so."

Author Unknown.

It is hard to explain to any one how Harrison consumes my thoughts every day, and every hour. How heartwrenching all my memories are. People sent us flowers but that has made me sad, as now they have all died. I wish my Harrison could be here.

A wave of Light, friday 15th October 2010

On Friday 15th October 2010, I was invited to the Mater's Memorial Remembrance Service for the International prgnancy and Infant Loss day. This service is to honour and remember your baby that has died and you light a candle in there name. All over the world they do this on this day and it creates a wave of light across the world in honour of all the babies that have been lost. The service was really lovely and so very sad, It is comforting in a way to know there is other people in the same situation as I am but so sad to see so many babies that just haven't made it. I lit a candle for Harrison, I hope he was up in Heaven looking down and knowing I loved him. On the order of Service they had a poem which made me cry as it is so true. This poem sums up evrey day for me.

Memories

I thought of you with love today, but that is nothing new

I thought about you yesterday, and days before that too

I think of you in silence, I often speak your name

All I have is memories and you picture in a frame

Your memory is my keepsake, with which I'll never part.

God has you in his keeping; I have you in my heart.

Anonymous

A big thank you to Jenny Ruddle Photography

The Mater hospital has professionaly photographers to come in and take photos for those who have babies and children who are terminally ill. Our nurse that looked after Harrison called this charity and organised them to come in and take photos for us. The photographer that came her name is Jenny Ruddle and I think she did a beautiful job. I also can't thank her enough as a scrapbooker photos mean the world to me and just to have these beautiful photos to remember Harrison means so much. Jenny took these gorgeous photos for us and got all the photos developed and gave us a cd of all the images for free. Her web site if you live here in brisbane and want photos done is http://www.jennyruddlephotography.com/ I can not thank her enough. I will be forever grateful to her. I also think that she is a wonderful women to donate her time and her skill in photography to such a precious cause. These photos are just a few out of all that we got. These are my favourite of my dear beautiful Harrison.

A Poem for Harrison

Harrison

(this poem was written by my sister in law)

Dearest little Harrison who was born at noon

That had left this earth by the following afternoon

Born with such innocence and left with the same

Nobody knew God had already laid claim

One so special to be on this earth

One ever so special from the moment of birth

A precious little angel is now in heaven having fun

Who will always be just beyond the sun

To us dearest Harrison you will always be loved

May you now be free and fly like a dove.

I may not get to hold your hand, but you will always be in my heart

I held your hand most the day, at first when you were doing ok that is all I could do is touch your hand and leg, but as you deteriorated throughout the day and I finally got to hold you, I just kept thinking how I would never get to hold your little hand, while you take your first step, and cross a road, I would never get to walk you into school for the first day. This was going to be the only time to hold your hand. I thank all the girls that put money into the twinkle toes, they came the day he died and now I can look at his little hands and feet every day. Even though it isn't the same it is something. I think this is the one of the most precious things that I have. I love you Harrison.

How do you say goodbye?

How do you say goodbye to your baby who you love dearly? There are so many things that you want to say, and not enough time or words to say. I wanted so much to touch his little head and try and remember how his beautiful hair feels and how soft his skin is. I wanted so much to just run away with him and to make everything ok. As a mother you just want to hold your baby and make everything ok, and it is heart breaking when you can't make the pain stop or to help in any way I just wanted him to know that he was loved, more then anything. To watch your baby die is the worst thing a mother can suffer, I wouldn't wish it upon the devil himself. It was the most heart wrenching, heart breaking thing I have ever done. How do you say goodbye?? I can't answer this questions, 4 weeks on, I wish I had said things, I wish I had done somethings. I don't regret all that I did and did get to say, but when you face this kind of trauma your brain seems to shut down, and you don't think completely rational, so there is things I would have liked to have told him. I guess I told him the most important thing I told him that I loved him.
On the 15th the grandmothers got to have a hold of Harrison, and to say goodbye.

September 15th, the day Harrison went to be with Jesus

This was the hardest day of my life, it was so bitter sweet, as it was the day my dearest Harrison went to be with Jesus, but it was the day I finally got to hold my baby. I can't thank the nurse, Maree enough who looked after Harrison that day. She was fantastic and she is the person we needed on that day, I knew he was in very capable hands. Harrison took a dive at 2.30am in the morning. I got a phone call up in my room at about 3.30am telling me that he took a dive but he was stable, but his blood pressure hadn't gone up to what they like it. I went down at about 8.30am after I got all my tubes and things out and was given the ok to go down. I was horrified when I saw Harrison, as from the night before he looked a perfectly healthy little baby with lots of tubes, but then that morning he had gone a grey colour. They just kept repeating that he was a very sick little boy. the nurse filled me in that morning and she walked away and I just started to cry as he looked so sick. Throughout the whole day I watched machines, and your told what things mean so the whole day I prayed and watched these numbers not do what you want them to do. It was the most heartbreaking and frustrating day of my life. As I mother you want to pick up your baby and hug them and tell them it was going to be ok, but you can't and you just want to fix it. The only time we were able to hold Harrison was when we knew he wasn't going to make it I just kept touching his hair, and trying to take in everything.

September 14th, my first look at my beautiful Harrison

this was the first photo taken of me and Harrison. I was just so excited to see him. They told us that Harrison was born in really good condition. Apparantly babies with Dyaphragmatic hernia can be born in really bad condition, Harrison was one that was born in great condition. They did tell me that he had one lung that wasn't in good condition, and the other was an ok size but he was dealt a blow the one that was ok had a hole in it. So he had dealt with that ok, they had to drain the gases from his chest cavity and had reinflated the lung. I was in love with him the moment I saw him as all mums are when they see there babies for the first time. He was just so perfect and beautiful. The nurses told me he had a bit of attitude as he kept pulling out all the cords so they had to tuck his little arms underneath him to stop him from doing that. That was music to my ears, I knew he had attitude from him being in my tummy so I was glad that had come out, as I thought he had to have attitude to get through all of what he will have to go through. This second picture was his big brothers coming to see him and meet him

Harrisons birth continued

These are pictures of Harrison't birth and afterwards once he was hooked up to all the machines in the baby ICU at the Mater hospital. I couldn't thank the staff and nurses at the Mater enough, they were fantastic, they explained things well and I could tell that Harrison was in the best care. I would like to thank Gina, my midwife for my pregnancy. She has been a friendly face that was just caring and lovely to see every month and towards the end on a weekly basis.

Harrison's birth

We finally have been given a date for Harrisons birth. This is to be done as a C section as they want the right staff on, they will have nurses and surgeons for me, the anesetic team, plus the resus team for Harrison, and the peadiatric team for him. This is so scarey having all these people in the room and not knowing how the outcome will be. This is my belly the morning of the C section, i was huge. I was carrying alot of fluid in the tummy as babies with Dyaphragmatic hernia don't drink as much fluid as normal babies.

We have been to sooo many ultrasounds and appointments. We had an appointment with the neonatal doctors and we were told Harrison only had 30% chance of survival. This devastated me. One of the first questions we were asked was do we want him to be born and let him go, or do we want him to be born and do everything they can to give him a chance. Of course my response was to do everything they could to keep my baby alive. I prayed and begged God to give him to me and that they weren't seeing everything on the ultrasound. We have had so many scans, so many doctors appointments. We just hoped we would get some good news.