One of your Christmas gifts

Here is the fort that was suppose to be for you and your brothers for Christmas. This playground is a reminder that you aren't here. We layby this when we had not long found out we were pregnant with you. We thought how awesome for all you kids to be out there playing together. So when I look at this I think of you. Cody loves it, and that to a degree makes me sad as he would have loved his little brother up there with him, once you got older.

I love and miss you so much. My sweet angel. Love Mummy

I have been really sad over the last few days. Not sure if it was Christmas that has made it sadder or just life. I also don't know whether it is the year drawing to an end and every ones talking about what they are doing to end the year. The whole end of year makes me sad, don't get me wrong, I am glad this year is coming to an end. It certainly couldn't get any worse, but then it is another thing that ends. I am not good with the end of things any more. Everything seems to move on. I miss my son so much, I don't want him forgotten because the year has ended.

Harrison I miss you. I just want some more time with you, more photos of you. I wanted to see your little eyes open, I wanted to hear you cry. I just want you. I love you, my baby boy. Love Mummy

Christmas with out you.

It was really hard this Christmas. I usually love Christmas, love the Carols in the shops, love the whole spirit of giving at Christmas. This Christmas was laced with Sadness for me, It should have been Harrison's first. I missed him so much on Chirstmas day. I had my little reminders of him, Anne's little angel, my other Harrisons angel ball and my mum bought me a ball with Harrison's name on it, which you can see on the photos. The boys and I wrote our letters to Harrison and put it in his little stocking.

My cousin came over for lunch on Christmas day. She has a 6 month old baby, I look at her and think Harrison would have been littler then you. She was a reminder of what I didn't have on that day. She went down for a nap, and when she started to cry I thought it was my son Cody, but as I got closer to the rooms it was her so I went in and got her from where she was sleeping. She was all happy and cute, as they are. There were 2 moments though while I was holding her, that she gave me this really sweet long hugs, she just rested her little head in my chest and I wanted to cry because it was just so sweet, but a part of me thinks maybe it was Harrison sending hugs through her. That might be crazy, but they were just the most unusual little hugs
It was almost like she knew i was missing someone and I needed this hug. So I believe those hugs were from Harrison.

I miss him so much. It made me sad, the people with us on Christmas day didn't really talk about him. That was hard I am not sure if people understood how hard that day was for me in that way. My son died only 3 and a half months ago and it was suppose to be his first Christmas. Babies first Christmas are usually so special, so the loss on their first Christmas is even harder. I missed him so much, my heart feels like it is almost breaking again.

Harrison, I miss you so much. I have met some other Mummies that have Angel babies, I hope you were with them on Christmas day. I hope in Heaven that Christmas day was amazing. My heart aches for you and I so wish you were here with me. Merry Christmas my sweet little angel. I love you. Love Mummy

Thank you Anne,

My dear friend Anne bought me this beautiful Angel Ornament. This ornament hangs on our tree, I really love this ornament, Thank you so much Anne for getting me this. It means the world to me.
It's Donovan (my eldest son) birthday today, I love birthdays, but these days there is an element of sadness as well. Harrison isn't here with us to celebrate, and these times when it is such a family time it really hits home that he isn't here.I have decided on birthdays that we will include Harrison and now Harrison gives a birthday present and a christmas present to the boys At least by doing this I feel like he is still remembered by the boys in an exciting way, and that he is still some what included in our family, especially those special days
I have this internal battle, I love Christmas, but a part of me just doesn't want to do Christmas. In some ways it is just to happy and so family orientated I don't have all my family with me, my little boy is an angel in heaven, but I want him here.

I miss you my sweet little boy. I wish you were here, especially for today and tomorrow being Christmas. I love you so much. Missing you as always. I love you Love Mummy

Ways to remember you

We concreted the pads for the kids Fort that we layby at the beginning of the year. We knew we were pregnant with Harrison, so this gift was partly for him. So we decided to write the kids names in the concrete we wanted to include Harrison's as it was for him as well.

We put all the boys hand prints above there names, but because Harrison isn't with us I put the date he was born and the date he died. I feel as though this will be here forever, even if we move our house and yard is special and he has a place here, this house was built with him in mind, so this is a way he can lay claim here. It makes me sad that he never came home to see our house or his room. He is home in a way now but it isn't the same.

Harrison my sweet little boy we love and miss you. This is one of your Christmas presents. We miss you and wish you could be here.

Dear Santa,

Dear Santa,

As you know this time of year is hard on us Angel parents and the only thing we ask for is a Christmas miracle....Thats for our angels to come and see us on Christmas Day.,, See Santa we angel parents miss our angels more then anything in the world on Christmas day..... So take this wish and please grant it for us.... (I got this from the Sands facebook page)

I wish this wish could be granted. That is all I ask for Christmas is to see my beautiful baby boy. Just for a few minutes. Just to touch his soft skin. Just one more time.

I love you Harrison, I miss you so much. I wish you could come back. My heart aches for you. Your big brothers birthday is coming up. You are always missed on these events. Your big brother misses you. He loved you so much. He was so sad because he didn't get to see you with your eyes open. You are so loved by all of us, and missed by us all. You will be forever in our hearts.

Harrison's Charity Day

Scrapbooking Crop Day

Come and join us for a day of scrapbooking. We are having a crop day to raise money to scrapbook the little 6x6 albums for other families that have lost babies. Also on this day you are welcome to scrap some layouts to go into the albums. We are going to have loads of goodies. Sam Hauzer will also be teaching a class. Limited seats available, so please contact me via email on harrisonslittlewingcharity@yahoo.com.au

Saturday 12th March 2011

Cost; $25 Includes lunch

Time; 9am-5pm

Where; City Church, cnr of Kingston Rd and Queens Rd Kingston.

I would love to see you all there.

I love you my sweet little Harrison. I am missing you like crazy. Love Mummy

Harrison I am missing you terribly. The last few days have been really hard. Went shopping today, saw the baby first Christmas little outfits. That was really hard. I should have been buying those outfits for you to wear on Christmas day. How beautiful were you my sweet little boy. I wish you were here.

I love you!!1

Those cute little feet.

I sat on the couch the other day and was looking at my feet, and I realised that my pinky toe curls in, Harrison had the same little pinky toe as me. fianlly I got a feature of mine on one of my babies. They all look so much like there father, it is almost like mini Rodneys walking around. I guess it is just another thing that makes me feel ripped off. He had such beautiful cute feet, they were long and really narrow.

A week until Christmas, I am trying so hard for the boys, to do the whole Christmas thing, but it is a bit hard to be all Merry when the loss is so raw and still so fresh. We are a little boy down, and it isn't meant to be like this.

We have friends coming over today, they lost there little girl to Diaphragmatiic Hernia, it will be a year in January for them. It will be good to have them here. Just to have that common bond.

My dearest Harrison, I love you and miss you. Thinking of you always. I hope the angels sing to you and play with you. Though I am so jeolous of that, I wish I could be doing that. I love you. Love Mummy

Little treasures to remind me of you

I just want to say a thank you to Kirstie, I met Kirstie through Sands, the support group for those who have lost babies. She made me this really beautiful braclet. I have worn it everyday since she gave it to me.

The last few days have been really hard for me. This was around the time I had hoped we would have been bringing Harrison home. My hope was that he would come home for Christmas. I remember the neonatalist doctor saying that they had had some babies without Diaphragms at all and they were still in hospital (For 3 months). I had thought to myself well, hopefully Harrison would have a diaphragm and surely he better off with a diaphragm then not. Well that obviously isn't the case.

This grief is such a lonely journey. I have met some really great women who are going through similar stuff. That has been so helpful. To know you are not alone. But the whole feeling of a loss is such a personal journey as well. The heartwrenching pain you feel waking up in the middle of the night, and realising it isn't a dream.

Harrison my sweetest little boy, I wonder what Christmas is like in Heaven. I wonder if there will be any special celebration up there. I wish you could be here with me. I love you, and I am thinking of you.

I am missing you

Time has taken me from you,

Although not very far.

I'll be watching through the sunshine

And through the brightest star.

I'll be watching all of you,

From the heavens up above.

So take good care of each other

And carry all my love.

If you're ever wondering

If I'm there, here's where you can start

Take a look inside yourself

Deep within your heart.

I'll always be your baby,

Your child.

So anytime you need me,

Close your eyes Im back again.

Author Unknown

I feel ripped off today. The last few days have been hard. I just don't understand this world, and why some things happen and why they happen. I certainly don't understand why Harrison had to go.

I miss you my darling Harrison. I wish I could have you in my arms rocking you to sleep. I love you. If I could have one wish this Christmas, I would wish for you to come back to me. Love Mummy.

Harrison's first Santa Photo

Here is our annual photo done with Santa clause, I wanted Harrison to be in it. He should have been held by Santa, in his arms. I feel so ripped off that he wasn't. How cruel life is. Instead he had to have his Santa photo through a photo I miss him so much today. I just want to curl up and go back to bed. Today is just to hard.

Harrison, I wish you were here so I could be cuddling you and giving you kisses. I wish you were here so I could feel your soft beautiful skin. You had the sweetest of little lips, and the cutest of button noses. I love you, I love you so much. Missing you as always. Love Mummy.

The world may never notice

If a Snowdrop doesn't bloom,

Or even pause to wonder

If the petals fall too soon.

But every life that ever forms,

Or ever comes to be.

Touches the world in some small way

For all eternity

The little one we long for

Was swiftly here and gone.

But the love that was then planted

Is a light that still shines on.

And though our arms are empty,

Our hearts know what to do.

Every beating of our hearts

Says that we do love you

Author Unknown

I love you Harrison and miss you so very much.

Memorial Service

Yesterday I went to the Sands Christmas memorial service. It was nice. The boys liked it, they asked us all to take gifts to put under the tree that you would buy for your baby. They also got us to decorate a christmas decoration through the service in memory of your baby. The kids loved this, and I loved that, thinking that was a great way for the boys to remember Harrison.

The slide show made me cry, just seeing Harrison's photo up on the screen. His sweet little face, that I miss so much

Harrison my sweet little angel. I love you, hugs and kisses from Mummy and Daddy, and the boys.xxxxooooo

Christmas Stocking

My friend helped sew a stocking I wanted for Harrison. I wanted to make up this stocking so that each year we can write letters and the kids could choose to write a letter to him or draw a picture. I am then going to buy a box and keep them, it just means every year we create more memories, it is also a way to keep Harrison't memory alive with his brother. I don't want them to ever forget him. A very big thank you to Anne who sewed this for me. Thanks for helping me do exactly what I wanted This stocking now hangs on our tree.

Harrison I wish you were here, I wish you could see the Christmas tree lights and see all the presents under the tree. I love you my darling boy, and miss you so very much. Love Mummy

Living without you

My in laws are away, and the boys and I didn't have much to do over a few days, to kill some time we decided to go to my in laws place, they live at Bribie, so we had the beach at hand, great to give the boys something to do, considering we are in second week of school holidays. But it was sad, I had that little bit missing where I should have had Harrison with us. If Harrison was here we probably wouldn't have gone, the beach with a 2 year old is a handful on my own, never alone with a baby as well. Or I would have organised a friend to come with me. I also sat on the beach and thought if he was with us and we did come it would have been his first time at the beach. I wrote his name in the sand with a heart. Hoping he was looking down from heaven and knowing I was wishing he was here with me. Christmas is fast approaching and I am getting sad about that he isn't here. We did the whole Santa photo the other day, I took a photo of Harrison, Santa had the boys on his lap and they were holding Harrison's photo. I liked the fact he was included. It is going to be another tradition with the boys at Christmas time,

I miss you my sweet little boy. It would have been your first little holiday and the first time at the beach if you were here with us. Well you are here with us, just in our hearts. I love you my darling Harrison. Sending you kisses and extra big hugs. xxxx

On Facebook a friend had a saying 'I don't need an angel on top of my tree, I have an angel watching over me' I really liked this. I feel the same, I don't need one on my tree, Harrison I hope is watching over me. I wish he was here with me.
I am going away for a few days with my boys. It is just anohter family event that he isn't here or. I guess I have to look at it that he is in my heart and with us that way. The boys are getting Santa photos done this morning. I will be taking Harrison's photo with me. He will be sitting on Santas lap to.

Harrison my sweet little boy, I love you, your big brothers love you and miss you. I love you so much. Wishing you were here.

Why, I don't understand

I don't understand so many things any more. Why Harrison had to be sick? Why did he have to die? Why people say the things that they do?

I am trying to create traditions that include Harrison into our family Christmas, and I read in a newsletter, that the support group that I go to sends out (SANDS) how one couple buy a present for there child from there angel baby. I really liked that idea, I thought all kids love presents, so from Harrison the boys will get something special. The presents are under the tree. I was telling a family member and I got the comment 'as long as it doesn't make them sad'. Well does that mean we just sweep it under the matt. Well at the moment alof of stuff about Harrison makes me sad and some upset the boys, and yes it will make them a little sad, but it will be a tradition that they will cherish. Also he was remembered. He is a part of my life and he is a part of this family and I want him to be included in this family. It is almost like people don't want to talk about it, well if you don't want to talk about my son then people shouldn't come here because he will be spoken about all the time. He is still a part of me and this family.

I miss you my sweet Harrison. I love you dearly. I think of you all the time. Wish I could give you a big hug. Love Mummy.

Christmas is coming...

This photo is our Christmas photo for the year. We wanted to include Harrison, as he is part of our family. So the only way I could do that is put his little photo with the boys for the annual Christmas photo. I thought this would be a nice tradition to start with the boys to remember Harrison in our Christmas celebrations. I have also decided to do it when we go to see Santa, I am going to get the boys to take Harrisons photo and they can hold him. It would be Harrison's first Christmas this year so this one will be extra sad in a way. He should be coming with us to sit on Santas knee.

Christmas is coming, we have layby a play structure for our kids, we put this on layby in late January, we knew we were pregnant thinking this play structure will be great we would get heaps of use because of Harrison, and our 2 year old and for our 7 year old, our soon to be 12 year old will play on it with his brothers but not something that would excite him to much. It is getting delivered on Friday. This play structure makes me and Rodney really sad as it was suppose to be more for Harrison and Cody. We had visions of Harrison and Cody playing in the back yard together having a fantastic time. This is the thing that seems to have done Rodneys head in the most. We are sad for Cody as well, I really thought Harriison and Cody would be best of friends as they got older, they would have been close in age and have that special bond. Harrison is so missed.

Harrison, I hope you are up in Heaven, and I hope God lets you look down on Christmas day so you know we hadn't forgotten you. You will always be a part of our family. I love you so much and miss you. I love you little wings. Love Mummy.

Rodney months ago bought a box of nappies that were to small for Cody, when we realised I said, it doesn't matter we can keep them for Harrison. Well I returned them to the shops yesterday. The lady at the counter was giving me a bit of grief because I didn't have a receipt. I walked away and cried because if I had a choice, I would have rathered kept the nappies and used them, how do you say to someone, a stranger, that my baby has died and I can't use them. You just want to scream at some people. I am sure they think that you are trying to scam them,
Yesterday I went and saw my friend who has had her baby. He was gorgeous. I decided not to hold him, I just couldn't. The last new born baby that I held was my son and that is where he died, in my arms. It is just to hard to see a little baby, I just wanted Harrison in my arms again so badly. Life just doesn't seem fair. I wish I could be up all night with Harrison, having a good night sleep is over rated. I would give anything to hear my baby crying at night. I would give anything to give Harrison a hug.
People say all the time, it will get better, well they obviously haven't lost a baby, because it certainly doesn't feel like it is getting better. I know the pain changes eventually. But you have constant reminders all around of what I don't have.

Harrison my sweet little boy, I love you. Blowing you kisses and sending you the biggest of hugs. I bought the boys presents for Christmas from you. I hope you like what I bought them. I wanted to get them all something they would think was extra awesome, so it is special. I wish you were here so you could see out Christmas tree, you could be sitting in your little rocker watching the lights twinkle. You are missed. Love you. Love Mummy

How do I go on.....

You can shed tears that he is gone, or you can smile because he has lived.You can close your eyes and pray that he'll come back, or you can open your eyes and see all he's left. Your heart can be empty because you can't see him, or you can be full of the love you shared.You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday, or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday. You can remember him only that he is gone, or you can cherish his memory and let it live on. You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back or you can do what he would want; smile and open your eyes, love and go on.
David Hawkins British Poet.

I like this poem, but I am not that strong yet to do these things. All I feel is the pain and the sorrow, and the hollowness of my heart. I do love though, I love my 3 gorgeous boys, and my 4th beautiful baby, who will always be remembered as baby Harrison. You are my angel now. Though I wish I had you here with me.

I miss you dearly baby boy. Mummy loves you. Your big brothers send you hugs and kisses.

Our donated bear in Memory of Harrison

This is Harrisons bear that we donated to the hospital, and one of the tags that I have made up for the hospital. I am making these tags for them so that people who are given them know that the bear has been donated in the memory of another baby. This is Harrison's little bear. I wish nobody has to go through what we went through with Harrison. As much as I want Harrison's memory to go on, I wish no one would have to receive Harrison's bear. My heart breaks for all those people out there in that situation.
When you go through what we have been through, it changes your view on the world, and the people in it. Even now who I thought were friends aren't. Then those that weren't great friends are. I have noticed now those that I feel like I can talk about Harrison to I want to spend more time with because they seem to understand that he is a part of my life and always will be. Those that I feel like I can't you tend to move away from.
I guess a tragedy like this makes and breaks alot of relationships. It causes pain on top of pain, and everything gets to hard.

I love you Harrison

Tonight

It has not long ago rained, and I was laying in bed, I can hear the frogs croaking, and the crickets singing, I can imagine the stars in the sky. The sky with all those star just seems so big and so vast, where does earth end and heaven begin? Sometimes I feel that Harrison is really close to me and there are nights like tonight where I feel like he is so far away.
I went up to the hospital today to give them more cards to go on the teddy bear, last time I went there, It made me feel closer to Harrison. This time it didn't have that same effect. I went to visit my midwife, Gina. It was so nice to see her. I must admit going back there it made me remember what those midwife/ultrasounds/appointments with specialist were like. It seems so long ago that I was pregnant. I wish I could go back being pregnant with Harrison, at least I knew he was ok. I wish I could have just one more day of having him kick me and move around, just to have a moment of hope that maybe he would survive. I would give anything for that feeling of being niave that it doesn't happen to people like me. Just one moment of taking away this feeling of sadness, and feeling like I am mssing a chunck of my heart. As I left the hospital I got in the elevator to go and we stopped at level 6. (level 6 is the baby ICU where Harrison was) a part of me wanted to jump out of the lift. A part of me wanted to run to where he was and just check to make sure he wasn't there. Just in case it wasn't all wrong. I know that isn't rational thinking. But when you lose a baby, you begin to question everything. You question God, you question everything Why Harrison? Why me? I can't even begin to explain, the loss that I feel. It has been 11 weeks. 11 weeks of the most unbearable sadness, the worse of all losses. After losing a baby, you look at pregnant women differently, and it is hard to look at new born babies. Everything in your life changes, your whole thought pattern everything. I am so mad at the world, so hurt. This wound will never heal. The bleeding will never stop.

Harrison if I could have taken your place I would have. You deserved a life, a life of love, and of happiness and laughter. Your life was only 28 hours. I am sure those 28 hours were hard for you. I am sorry I couldn't fix you, or make it go away. I am sorry I couldn't give you a hug and make it all feel better. I am so sorry I couldn't put a bandaid or give your hurt a kiss, and kiss it away. I love you my little son. I wish I could hold you and hug you and tell you everything is going to be ok. I am sending kisses and hugs to you with loads of love. I love you Harrison. Love Mummy

Harrison's Littlle wings Charity

I have started up a charity in Harrison's memory. I am trying to get scrapbookers from all over the country to do 6x6 layouts for a baby, boy or girl and send them to me. I am then raising money to buy albums so these layouts can go into them. These albums will then be taken up to the hospital for other mums who have lost their precious babies. This is a layout I have done up of Harrison. I have done a whole album up for him. For more information go to harrisonslittlewings.blogspot.com Also I would love to be able to raise enough money that we can give a cash donation to the Hospital where Harrison was born. Maybe his charity can raise enough money to buy something that may save a baby in his condition.

I am off to the hospital today to hand the little cards that I have been doing for them. I feel like at the moment it seems a life time ago that Harrison was born. Sometimes it feels as though it never happened. I want to wake from this horrible dream.

I miss you my dear Harrison, my little wings. You have taken a piece of me with you, I love you