Coming up to your first birthday

It isn't far away from your first birthday, only 8 weeks away, I have considered myself to have coped so far, I have had my sad moments there has been alot, but overall I think I have survived this tragedy ok. But Harrison's first birthday just seems to make me sob. The thought of trying to make a cake, everytime I think about it I cry. I don't know how I am going to go through this.
How do you celebrate a first birthday without your baby. How do you celebrate when the following day was the most tragic day. I am hit with 2 days in a row, one of Joy that my son was born, then the other day is so very sad, the day when my son died. It's so conflicting. How do you celebrate when he isn't here with me. I love him so much, he should be here to celebrate.
I should be able to make a cake that reflects his little personality, the things he likes, so when I go through the cake book, I have only 28 hours of his little life to go on. 28 hours is more then some people get, and I am grateful for those 28 hours, but then it isn't alot to go on for a cake. He was such a fighter, but how do you translate that into a cake. I feel so ripped off. I should have my son with me, I should have him to pick up and cuddle and wish him happy birthday. I want to make it so very specail for my boys, but i am trying to figure out how I am going to get through this without being a mess.
This is so very hard for me. I miss him so very much. I have lost my innocence of life and how things bad don't happen to me. I have lost my son to a horrible condition. I will never get him back. I will never get to hold him and kiss him, I never got to hear him cry, I never got to see his little eyes open.

Harrison I love you so very much. I think of you every day. I wonder if in Heaven they celebrate birthdays? Do you have a party for being in heaven for 1 whole year? It's kind of ironically that the hardest day of my life, may be a celebration in heaven. I hope you like the cake I am hoping to make for you. I will try and not cry to much why I make it, but I can't make any promises. Loving you and missing you. Love Mummy

How I miss you so...

It is coming up to nearly 10 months since Harrison came into our lives, and then so quickly left. These 10 months have been the saddest, and the most inspiring 10 months. Such conflicting emotions.
Coming up to the year mark makes me so very sad. I have had a few angel mums, that have come up to their angelversaries, and I see how hard it was for them. In life we celebrate the birth of our babies, but some births bring such sadness, how do you honour that baby.
For Harrisons first birthday is a 2 day event, such a sweet day of his birth, where I got to meet my son, my little fighter, but then met the next day with such devastation, such sadness.
I have met a mum recently who is pregnant with a T18 baby. She has been told her baby is not compatible with life, and so she now so bravely prepares herself for what may come. She is just so much braver then I was when I was pregnant. I hang onto that 30% with all my heart, I just wanted him to prove the doctors wrong. I wanted to get onto 60 minutes, or a show like that and tell the world what a little miracle baby I had, that proved all the doctors wrong. Some times I think maybe reality was to hard to face for me. The thought of my baby dying would take a massive emotional toll that I couldn't bear.
I know now that nothing could ever prepare you to lose a baby. Nobody could ever tell you how hard, and how sad that reality is. I can't even explain that void that forever sits inside my heart. Your life is always shadowed by that sadness of having your baby not with you. There are moments that you are happy, but then that thought of my son who isn't here to share that moment comes back, and then that moment has a sadness to it.
Harrisons room isn't set up as a baby room, we never did that, we had all the stuff in their but we didn't put the room together, if Harrison had done well, we knew he would have been in hospital for a while so I thought I would do it then. But even now I still refer to it as Harrisons room, I think that will always be his room. Sometimes I go in there to vacuum, and it still has that new house smell in his room. But for me it is like walking back 11 months ago when we moved into our newly built house. It takes me back standing in that room wondering what was going to happen, it is almost like a movie playing in my head. Then you are bought back to life and how it is. It is without hope of Harrison with us.
I still am not sure of what we will be doing for Harrisons first birthday/angelversary. i want to make it really special, but how do you make something special when it is also so sad.

Harrison Mummy misses you so very much. I hope you are having lots of fun, I am sure you have made lots of friends, you had such a sweet little personality. I hope you found my Nanna, your great grandmother. I hope she has you in her arms and rocking you, and telling you about all the times your mummy stayed at her place. I love you so very much. Sending you loads of love, and kisses and the biggest of hugs. Love Mummy

What an Honour

I was asked by Sands state co-ordinator to come to a educational seminar for midwives on bereavement. I was asked to come and tell Harrisons story and our journey dealing with the health system, and pivot things that were said to us, good and bad, about our experience, to better help midwives to deal with families that lose a baby.
I also then was asked to do a presentation for Heartfelt, as they couldn't make it, so I busied myself with powerpoint. My 12 year son has been such a great teacher, and gee I think I have almost mastered powerpoint, just working on the whole music embedding.
It was just such an amazing night. The midwives that were there were all just so lovely, and just so welcoming.
It is funny how life works though, I drive into the Logan hospital carpark and I am thinking am I in the right place, I wasn't sure, so I thought I will go down the road a bit, I pulled out of the hospital carpark and drove down the road a bit and my phone starts to work, it was my friend Anne who is a midwife. She asked me what are you doing, I go into a fluster, and I said what are you doing, believe it or not, she is there for the seminar and had seen my car. I was so grateful that she had seen me, so we walked in together. How bizzare, it was so nice to have her there.
I am so passionate about telling Harrisons story, and helping midwives help parents. I just think that Griffith University and the hospital are starting to see that bereavement care is just so important. I am just so excited that there is this movement to help parents through such a horrific and tragic time. I am truely inspired by it, and I love that I am a part of it. I am so looking forward to being involved more with this special movement.
I was so honoured to be asked to talk on Hearfelt, I just hope that I did them justice in what I said. I know I didn't give the informative side of there organisation, but I gave the side of a parent who received such an amazing gift.
I feel Harrisons life has not only made such a massive difference not only in our lives but he has made a difference to this world, Harrison inspires me, he only lived here for 28 hours, but has made such an impact, he made such a difference, he inspires me at 34 years of age to make more of a difference with my life. I see Harrison as such a blessing, God gave me such a precious gift.

Harrison, I hope you are proud. You have inspired me to be a better person. I am tuely blessed to have been a mummy to you. You are forever in my thoughts, and I love you every day.

This journey of grief

I thought I was doing ok with this journey of grief, I made up Harrisons Little Wings Inc to help me grief. I love his charity as I can talk about him everyday and no one thinks it is strange. I sit for days, for hours making up special albums for other families, because this just makes me feel better, knowing I can hold the hand of another family in my craft that I love so much. I just didn't start Harrison's charity for the glory, I started his charity, because after losing Harrison I had this overwhelming need to help families. I thought about what I was good at, and what I loved, and the only thing I could come up with was scrapping. So there my vision for Harrisons charity grew. I never realised in this charity world could be so cut throat, I never realised that if you were onto a good thing someone would want to come and take your ideas. I just want to do a special thing for families that have lost a baby. My albums aren't just a few pages, they are filled with 20 layouts. 20 layouts of love. So much time and love has been put into them.

I have been sent some emails (not sure how they got my email address) with this company called 'Cherubs' they are the support group of the condition Harrison died of. Cogenital Diagphragmatic Hernia (CDH) I haven't signed up with them as I found that really hard seeing photos of survivors of the condition, because I look at those photos and it makes me sad, it makes me want that for Harrison. That is what I thougth my journey was going to be like. But never the less, they got my email address as they are in the running for a massive donation from a company and are relying on votes from the public. So I have been getting on every day, as I do want research done on CDH so that it doesn't claim the life of another baby. The medical industry do not do alot of research on this condition as they don't consider it to be a massive 'killer'. Where Harrison was born in the Mater they get about 10 babies a year born there with Harrison's condition out of 50 000 babies born. So this money to be given is just a huge amount to go to research. They send emails out every day to remind you to vote, and today was about a little baby who was fighting for his life, he had numerous operations, but he survived and was home with his family. It makes it really hard reading stories like this. This was what I thought my journey was going to be with Harrison.

I have met some really lovely people lately. One family has a similar story to mine, there little boy lived longer then Harrison, but our pregnancies were very similar. It has been so nice talking to her, and relating to her journey.

I have also met another family that is just at the beginning of there journey, they have just found out there little boy is sick. It breaks my heart to hear their story and the long hard road that is ahead of them.

You kind of think you are going ok with this road of grief but then you hit a speed hump, and there seems to be alot of them on this road. That speed hump for me is those emails. I am torn because I so desperatly want them to do more research so another family do not have to go through what we went through, but I don't want to hear survival stories. My son didn't survive. A part of me thinks that is more the reason for your research. That may be selfish, but I am going to have my selfish moment. It is babies like him that I won't research done so they don't die. those families have their baby, they get to see them smile they get to hear their baby cry, they get to see their baby with their eyes open. I was robbed of hearing Harrison cry, I was robbed of seeing his little eyes open due to this cruel horrible condition. I had to see my son fight for his life, and watch him lose that battle, that is why they need that money.

Oh God, I miss him so much, there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of him. Life gets busy, and yes life goes on, but there are always those quiet moments in the day when you are driving or when you are laying in bed trying to fall asleep and it is those moments that are filled with thoughts of Harrison.

Harrison my sweet little boy, there is this gapping hole, and sometimes you think that gap is being filled and it takes one little thing to rip it apart, and that void of missing you, and the love that I feel for you, I can't begin to be expressed. I can hug your brothers and tell them that I love them. I can bake cakes with them, I can kick a ball around with them, but how do I express my love for you??? How do I get to tell you that I love you?? I pray that God up there whispers that in your ear. Mummy loves you and misses you. Love Mummy

I feel for all those mums

I am having a few really sad days lately, it is like this roller coaster ride, where you seem to live a few days of some sort of normality, and then you a hit with this wave of sadness. At the moment it is the title wave of sadness. Those days that are good, Harrison is never far from my mind and I think of him every day and all the time. Little thoughts of him. Days like today where there is a massive tidal wave of sadness I think of him constantly, I think of those machines that never did what I wanted them to do, I think of the softness of his skin and the silkiness of his hair. My heart goes out to all those mums that have babies in the NICU.
When I was pregnant, the Mater hospital had an information night about what to expect when your baby went into the Intensive care unit. They were telling us how the rooms are set up that the rooms closer to the door is where you wanted your baby to be, as they were the less serious cases and that as they got closer to the door meant they were going home. I remember a mum saying to me, geez you just have to hope your baby isn't in one of those rooms. (she was in hospital as she was having twins and there for bed rest) Harrison went to the room furthest away from the doors, and his little bed was at the end of that room. He never left there alive, and that is so devastating to think other mum's are going through that painful and helpless experience of watching their babies in that NICU. There is nothing more helpless for a mother to not be able to do anything for her baby. In Harrison's case we couldn't hold him, untill we knew he wasn't going to make it. You can only touch them. Your natural instinct as a mother is to want to hold your baby and fix it.... I am so sorry Harrison I couldn't kiss it and make it all better for you. I am sorry Mummy couldn't help you. Please know that I love you.
I have a few friends who are angel mummies, they are all coming up to their babies first birthday, and my heart goes out to them. We should all have babies nearly toddlers, we should all have little ones crawling and beginning to walk little people, instead we are left with empty arms. So to my friends, Teagan, wishing Miller a happy birthday and sending you guys lots of hugs. Sarah, wishing Dominic a happy birthday. I am thinking of you.

Harrison it is nearly 9 months since you were here, you are never far out of my mind, I love you so dearly. I love you little man. xxxx

Some days are harder then others

Today is one of those days, sometimes there is the littlest thing that sets you off and puts in you in a spiral of sadness. I miss Harrison so very much. It's been 8 and half months since I met my son, and lost my son. Those eight and half months have been the hardest months of my life. I have never believed in bad luck, but I am starting to wonder. You just start to want something great to happen to you, and sometimes that just doesn't seem to happen.
I had a lady come up to me, and I had just spoken about Harrison's charity and explained what I do with it. She came up and told me that I was bought up differently to what she was. Basically the conversation was how she didn't agree with what I was doing she didn't agree with. That was really hard, I understand that people deal with things differently, but there is such a stigma on losing a baby, most people have this attitude of it happens get over it, and you shouldn't talk about it. Well what is the difference to if a mother dies, no one tells those that knew that mother that they don't talk about her and she is gone that is it. People expect us mothers to not talk about our child. Most people in there life time will not hold someone in there arms while they die or will have to go through the tramatic experience of losing a child. If you are reading this, and you know someone who has lost a child, just listen, ask how that person is really doing? Make it ok for them to be sad about there baby, and just let them know you are there.

I miss you Harrison, time certainly doesn't heal this broken heart. You are so loved, and so missed. xxx

Mothers Day

Mothers Day was on the weekend, I was so emotional leading up to it, and I have been extremely emotional since. It was so hard, my husband was so lovely though he tried so hard to wait on me the whole day, he cooked up a storm in the kitchen, and made a massive mess, which kept my stress levels high. I missed Harrison so very much. I thought that I should have a nearly 8 month old snuggled in bed with me, waking me up early. My 8 year old was so excited, and I must admit, that made the day a little easier with his excitement it was hard to let my sadness for Harrison be to overwhelming and consuming because of his excitement. '
For Harrison's charity we did a photo shoot on Saturday, and our photographer that supports Harrison's Little Wings, she has a little girl with an incurable condition, and she bought her along, She is absolutely beautiful Ruby, I sat with her most the time, looking at her and watching her, she has a oxygen tube, and a feeding tube, and she makes me think of Harrison and how that could have been a possiblity for me, the oxygen tubes, and tanks. Tanya her mother is awesome and she carries on with so much strength, I often wonder would I have handled my 3 older boys and Harrison as well as she does. Harrison was constantly on my mind that day, just wondering, and wishing he was here. Wondering in a way that was cruel, would he have been really sick if he had survived? All the would haves and could be's, when you lose your baby you often wonder what could have been, you try not to but it is something most of us grieving mothers do. It isn't just the loss of your baby, but the loss of so many hopes and dreams that you have for your children.

Harrison, I miss you and love you. I hope you got my cuddles and kisses on Mothers Day. Love Mummy

Life sometimes gobbles you up and spits you back out

OMG...... Life sometimes is just to hard. Rodney's (My husband) Nan died last thursday night. When he recieved the phone call, it didn't effect me that much, she lives about a 9 hour drive away and I had only met her on 3 occassions. I was upset for Rodney and was concerned about him. We are leaving in the morning to go to the funeral, so we have a long drive ahead of us. Tonight it hit me I was going to another funeral, it broke me, I can't go to another funeral, I can't deal with that. Harrison's funeral was the last one I went to, I don't think I can get through another one. I sat on my bed, and on my bedside table are photos of Harrison that the hospital took for us, and my sweet little baby boy, all those overwhelming emotions flooded back, those feelings of loss, those feelings of knowing life will never be the same again. Sometimes life just doesn't seem fair, and I feel like it has gobbled me up and spat me out. How many times can you pick your self up.
I have been looking for work since Christmas, after everything that I have been through the last year has changed my life forever, I have been told that my unborn baby has a 50% chance of living then it went to 30% chance, while going through the process of building a house. Then to be asked whether once our baby is born do we want to let him go or should the doctors do everything they can. To wondering if my baby boy was going to get to his birth, to then watching my son die, and for him to die in my arms. How much worse can life get. There is not many more horrific things a person can go through. Then you walk into these job interviews and they ask you the stupidist questions. They ask you to answer to this 'Star' answering , or what don't you think you could handle with this job (just a simple receptionist/admin job) I feel like screaming at them all and saying if I can watch my son die, and hold him why he is dying I can handle your receptionist job answering telephones, and filing. Compared to the last 12 months of life your job is a walk in the park for me. Your 'star' answering isn't important. Ask me a real question, and get a real answer. Answering telephones and selling insurance isn't that hard. I have had to force myself up everyday, having 3 boys who I love dearly, and being pregnant wondering if my son is going to live or die. Then having to survive the aftermath of losing him. My life is like a nuclear bomb has gone off, and now seven and a half months later it is deserted of anything of what use to be. I was asked at a different job interview, "If I was to ask your friends what they would say about you, what would they say?" I sat there not knowing what to say. What ran through my mind was that I don't think I have been a great friend over the last 12 months of my life. I just thought to myself I am just trying to keep myself together for my boys, and I haven't been such a great friend at all. I think I didn't answer that very well, well I didn't get the job so I mustn't have. I find it so hard these days to try and say how wonderful I am and think about the 'right' answer. I wonder what a prospective employer would say if I had a slight melt down and spewed out what I really did think.......Probably would think I should be taken to the pshycatric ward immediately and we aren't hiring her.
I feel sometimes to my friends I am an outsider looking into their lives. Some are moving on to different chapters of their lives, it is almost like you feel as though you are standing in a long corridor and they are moving down that corridor and you are stuck behind a glass door at the very beginning and those doors won't open. You feel as though you can see them getting on with their lives and you are watching it but you really can't participate in it as you are stuck behind the doors.
I have never been one to really be bothered by things, I guess I would say that I am a pretty strong person when it comes to life. But this year I think has finally unravelled that strength. I have always been a person to never let my feelings stop me from doing things untill now. This year is the first year that their are certain things I just can't do. Since losing Harrison I find some things just to hard to do. I miss him so very much. I just don't understand why??

Harrison my sweet Harrison, my memories of you are just the most precious and dearest memories. I miss you, and love you. Love Mummy

Easter with out you

Well Easter has just finished and I found it really hard. I try so hard to have fun on these 'family' days but a part of my heart aches, as my baby isn't with us to help us celebrate. There is such a hole left from losing Harrison.
As time goes by the pain doesn't lessen, sometimes you think of all the things that could be, all the things that you wish you did do. You often wonder why did this happen. I wonder if my sweet little boy suffered, and most of all, did my son know I loved him?
I wonder how they celebrate Easter in Heaven? I just wish some of my questions were answered. I feel like tht you are left sitting here wondering. Wondering about my son, it makes you question life after death. I believe in heaven, I believe in God, but I wold just like to know how my son is doing. On earth he would be smiling, and maybe crawling, and starting to say Mummy and Daddy. I never got to hear his cry, I never got to say all the things I wanted to say. If only I had the time over again, I would say so much more.

Harrison I miss you so very much. I hope you had a great Easter, I hope the Easter Bunny bought you a basket full of love and kisses from me. Love Mummy

Today Jordy turns 8

Today my second son Jordan turns 8 years old. These family celebration days are always the hardest for me. I try so hard to make sure Harrison is included in today. I got Jordy a present from him, I always try and make it something really awesome so that it is extra special. We should have a 7 month old baby who is crawling around chasing after wrapping paper, and wanting to eat that wrapping paper. But instead it is that broken piece of my heart that is shattered that sits in my chest, that on such a happy exciting day, I shed tears. I try and not let the boys see me sad on these days, I try and hide that I want them to be happy and excited and have that niavety on these days. They have been through so much themselves with Harrison dying. They have had to experience the death of their brother at such an early age. No family should have to bear the burden of losing a child.

Today Harrison would have turned 7 month old. That makes it hard on this day as well. We wanted Harrison to be born on the 14th as all our boys have been born on a day that has a 4 in it. Donovan was born on the 24th, Jordy the 14th Cody the 4th and Harrison the 14th.

Harrison I miss you so very much. You would be 7 months today on your brothers birthday. I often wonder what you would be doing and what your personality would have been like. I think you would have been determined, you proved that in your brief 28 hours. Your room is still called your room. I can't bear to not. I miss you and love you so very much.

You will be missed

It is Jordy's 8th birthday fast approaching, and it is also Easter. Once again it is the hardest time for me on these events. It is the time that it is so evident that we are a family member short. I use to have a real love for the festive celebrations, like Christmas, Easter. Now they come with me being saddened by it. I still make a big deal for the boys, and they have fun, but it just reminds me of how we have a little boy missing.
As a family we are going through some transitional times and I am finding it really hard, and I feel a little lost, then it makes dealing with my grief so much harder. I am just feeling life is so hard at the moment, and you often think after all I have been through, can't I just get a break. Every time I turn around it just seems another thing.
I worry so much about my other boys dealing with the loss of their brother. I am trying so hard to create memories so they will be ok, and remember him.
It is so hard, as a mother you are suppose to hold it together all the time. I don't feel like I am such a great job at that at the moment. It is like I am treading water.
I miss you Harrison so very much. I was out today at a friends and there was lots of little ones, toddlers around. I just kept thinking I ahould have a baby who would be nearly 7 months. He should be rolling and crawling around. I wonder what he would be doing? I wonder if he would have been a sleeper? I just wish that I had the opportunity to get to know him more, at least to have some memories.

Harrison my sweet little boy, I love you so very much. You are missed every moment of every day. I love you

They say time heals

Every one knows the saying, 'Time heals' well I don't think it does when you lose a child, time passes and the sadness remains. I think I am trying to find a new normal, life will never be care free and that simple happiness. When you are a griefing parent your life is layers, layers of sadness, it just depends on what layer has been unfolded will depend on how you react.
The other frequent comment is 'you are doing so well' They really have no idea. I have my typical answer 'I am doing ok' but really you feel like you are falling apart. I am so shattered about Harrison. He was such a little fighter, to make it as long as he did, he had such determination. I just hope and pray that he knew his mummy loved him so very much.
I think in life there is just some experiences that time will never heal. I think you become scarred, I guess a part of me just wants to hide away and stay in bed, another part of me wants the world to know my sweet little boy was just so perfect. I want the world to know that the pain us mothers feels is the most heart wrenching, the deepest, darkest and so very sad world us angel parents live in.

Harrison, I love you, I miss you so very much. there was a beautiful breeze today, I know that on that breeze you sent loads of love and kisses to me. I wish I could touch your beautiful soft skin, your hair that was like silk. If only I could have one more moment. Just one more minute, in that minute I would tell you how much love I have for you. How as much I am so sad that you aren;t here, I would never wish you had never came. I would wish you could have stayed with me. Loving you every moment of every day. Love Mummy

what would your life been like

I went to the Cystic Fibrosis Ball last night. We were invited through some of Rodney's work contacts who bought a table for the ball. A girl got up and spoke about suffering with Cystic Fibrosis. I never really knew what Cystic Fibrosis was all about, I had heard of it before but I didn't know that it affects many of the body's systems, including the lungs and digestion. The girl that spoke had alot of problems with her lungs, and suffered severe scar tissue to her lungs because of the problems she does have. This made me think of Harrison. My sweet little boy who's lungs were so affected by Diaphragmatic Hernia. It made me think what would have his life been like if he did survive. I wondered if he would have struggled like her every day. But she has a life, even though it is riddled with appointments. Her parents have been able to know her personality, they have had to watch her grow. Not that I think she should live with this condition. Rodney got really mad and said 'At least she has a life and you can live.' So many questions swirled through my head. it made me feel sad that Harrison' wasn't here. People don't understand that the slightest thing makes you think, it can transport you to the darkest moment of your life, and can almost paralyze you with sadness. The person we went with knew we lost a baby, being a guy he asked me about it (which was actually very unusual as most people don't acknowledge it or don't want to talk about it) but he undid his bravery of asking about Harrison when he said 'well you just have to move on don't you' I sat there thinking that is easy for you to say. His son was there (and not that I would wish this upon anyone) I felt like saying to him, how about you watch your son die and I turn around to you and say 'well you just have to move on' I am sure he had all good intentions when he made that comment. I know that, but it is hard. Harrison is my son. Every fibre of me loves him, and misses him.
Harrison you are in my thoughts every moment of every day. I can't even begin to find the words to tell you how much I love you.If God told me that I had a minute to tell you something. I would want to put the words so affectively, a poem of some sort, but I don't think I am that great with that sort of thing. There would be so much I would want you to know, but I think a minute isn't very long. So I would simply tell you 'I love you, I loved you from the very beginning of your existance.

Harrison's Scrapbooking Crop day

On the 12th of March we had a scrabooking crop day for Harrison's charity. It was such an awesome day. We had loads of raffles and the girls scrapbooked some layouts for us,which has been fantastic, we also had a working bee table for those that weren't scrapbookers, they did such a wonderful job cutting things for me and doing so much of that work that takes so much time up. It was just a great day.
Days like that give me the strength to go on, I love that his photo was there and it was just a reminder that he is the one that inspired it all.

I miss him so very much. I have just got some of the paper work in for Harrison's charity. I am so glad that I can keep his memory alive this way and to help others, I just want to hold there hands through such a tragic day.

Harrison I miss you so very much. I hope you are really proud of what i am doing. Love Mummy

Photos of Harrison's scrapbooking day

I just received the photos of Harrison's scrapbooking day, I will be uploading them over the next few days so keep an eye out on this space

Harrison's Power Point Presentation

Here is a powerpoint presentation that I have done up for Harrison. Feel free to go on and view it. I made this power point presentation for our first Scrapbooking day for Harrison's charity.

http://www.authorstream.com/Presentation/MelMckenzie-887025-harrison-s-story/

We had a really lovely day, we had a working bee table and scrapbooking tables, we got heaps of layouts for the albums. I just want to say a very big thank you to all those that came.

Harrison I love and miss you so very much.

A poem from Holly Clarke

Here is a poem that my cousin Holly wrote, Holly had a baby girl Caitlin and when she was born she had a bowel condition that was really serious and they never picked it up on ultra sounds. So this poem was written not long after this happened;

My baby Girl

The joy of your birth taken away

Why my smile can not stay

Men in white coats say you are not well

I am angry and hurt I wanna yell

Please not again, this is not fair

This pain and worry is more then I can bare

I wasn't warned, I didn't know

God why her, why is this so

She is so beautiful and sweet

There are many, she is yet to meet

Don't give her to me and take her away

God this angel is mine, she's gotta stay

You have plenty of angels by your side

God I am sorry, my fury I can not hide

If I have done wrong? Punish me

But let this little life be

By Holly Clarke.

I love Holly's poems because she not only talks about how scary it is but she talks about a mother s anguish and how you constantly blame yourself, it must have been something we did wrong. To most people who haven't been through this sort of experience it doesn't sound rational really but it is exactly what goes through your head. We have asked Holly to do some poems up for us on Harrison's blog and facebook page So you will be seeing alot more of her poems. Thanks Holly for sharing this. It is beautiful.

Harrison I am missing you so very much. There is not a day that goes by that you are not in my thoughts. I love you my sweet boy. Love Mummy

"Born to fly--An Infant's Journey to God" Book Author, Cindy Claussen

I am not able to access any of Harrison's photo's at the moment, my lap top that my photos are on has a virus so I am using our older computer. So I have been searching youtube to get some nice clips that make me think of Harrison. This helps me when I am sad, it makes me feel closer to him. There is such sadness in this world, so many griefing parents.
I guess I take comfort in that one day I will spend time with Harrison. One day I will get to hold my son. I just wish you were here.
It is so strange I have had many people before and even after Harrison was born offering things that they had no intention of doing. I don't understand why people do that. One thing that I have learnt is that you should never make promises you can't keep or have no intention to keep. It makes you look fake and foolish.

Know my sweet angel that I love you, if love was only enough to keep you here. You would haven't gone anywhere. I love you.

Kristin Chenoweth - Borrowed Angels

I found this youtube song and loved it, thought I would share it with you.
I miss my little boy so much, I can't explain how much you miss your baby once they are gone. There isn't the words to begin to describe the pain, the longing.
Harrison's charity is coming along we are moving at great pace, I hope his charity can bring some comfort to those that are in this situation. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

Harrison I love and miss you so very much. I wish I could give you an eskimo kiss, smell that sweet baby smell. I love you. Love Mummy

Sending you kisses

Today is a day where I wish I could just send you a package of kisses and love.

I miss him everyday, I think of him every hour. The pain of losing him is the worst pain that I have ever felt in my life. Only another bereaved parent can understand the pain. My pet peeve is when people say you are doing so well. I am not doing as well as I make out. Yes life goes on, whether I want it to or not. I have 3 boys that are here, and I am so grateful for them. It does mean that I have to get up and live. Also Harrison has given me something to do, I will make the world know my son was here, and that he made a difference. So I am now in the process of setting up a charity in his memory. There are some really exciting things that are going to be happening this year, all in the memory of Harrison.

I miss you so very much. i hope you look down and are proud. I miss you. I love you very much.

Harrison's Layout

Here is another layout that I have done of Harrison. I am really picky about the papers that I use for his layouts. I just want them all to be perfect. With my other boys, I have an endless supply of photos and it doesn't matter if one of there layouts don't turn out as I would have like, but I only have limited photos of Harrison so they need to be perfect. I am so sad about him, and miss him very much. I love the colours in this paper, so tranquil, and perfect. Almost what I would think the colours of Heaven would be.

Harrison I love you so very much and missing you always. I just wish I could have you back. With so much love your Mummy.

Heaven...

Harrison, how can I explain to you how much we loved you? Can I scream it? Would you hear? Does God let you look down, or does he at least tell you about us? I wish I could send you a letter, an emaiil even, as long as it got to you. I would tell you so many things, I would want to know so much, what are you doing? Do you grow in heaven? Do the angels rock and sing to you? Does Jesus gather you all around and read you stories?

People say that when you go through a tragedy it makes you either believe in God more or move away from beliefs... I grew up in the church, my children attend a Christan school. I have always believed in God, I think the world is to intricate to believe it happened in some bang. Has my tragedy made me believe in God or move away?

I am really angry at God, I don't understand why I carried Harrison for 9 months and to then deliver him to then to be only taken away after 28 hours. Maybe God has a plan that I yet know about. Though through this time I need to believe in a Heaven and God because that is where I want Harrison to be in a beautiful place where everything is perfect, where he has no pain and is loved and nurtured.

Now I am left with a broken hearted, as a mother you just want to hold other mothers hands as they go through this dreadful experience. You know the pain that they are feeling. I am hoping I can turn my tragedy into a positive. Hence Harrison's charity.

Harrison I love you so very much. I miss you. Mummy

Today is a bit of a sad day

Today is a bit of a hard day, missing my little angel. I have had a dreaded head cold for a week, and it seemed to have just gotten worse today, so that doesn't help and then being a bit of a hard day. It is so hard to explain to people how sad some days can be. I just wish I could give him a hug and a kiss.
I did have some good news from a friend. We have come up with a bit of an idea for Harrison's charity (we will reveal it soon) some companies out there are just so generous and so willing to help.
With Harrison being sick and when he died, there were rays of light, that were people who just did something nice, not because they had, not because they were going to get recognition from it just because they cared and wanted to help. This world can be filled with money hungry people who don't particularly care about anything more then profit. But as I progress with Harrison's charity everyday there seems to be more rays of light, groups, companies that just want to help and think that Harrison's charity is such a lovely idea. This helps on days like today.
I also want to say a big thank you to a close friend of mine, Leanne you have been awesome and so supportive. Thank you for having so much drive for Harrison's charity and so willing to throw yourself into any ideas. It means alot, I think we make a great team..

Harrison I miss you so very much. I know you are with me everyday in my heart, I just wish you could be here with me in person. I love you so very much and words can't begin to describe how much I miss you and love you. Love Mummy

Working on your special day 12th March

I have been overwhelmed with peoples generousity, Kaisercraft has kindly donated these packs for us to raffle off on the day. this day is going to be really special, I am really looking forward to it. We have a load more goodies that we are keeping as a surprise for the day. I am really looking forward to being able to meet loads of new people and just have an all round great day. It will be truely a lovely day in memory of my gorgeous baby boy who is missed so very much

I love you my sweet little boy. Missing you so very much. Love Mummy

Missing you so very much

I wish I could touch your little feet, touch your little hands. Feel your soft skin again. I wish I could give you a hug and softly give you kisses. I sometimes wonder why was I choosen for this to happen. Are we choosen, or is it just something that happens?? I just wish I could know or get some answers.
I miss Harrison so very much. There is nothing any one can say or do to take it away. I just don;t understnad life. I don't understnad why this has happened. I wonder where my baby is. I was raised with Christian beliefs but when you go through something like this it does make you question religion. I do believe in God, and I want Harrison to be there in heaven with him. I must admit I do believe that. Not sure of much else though.

Harrison I love you. And like every day you are in my thoughts, and always in my heart. Love Mummy

You would be 5 months old today

I can't believe that you would be 5 months old today, I miss you so very much. It hasn't gotten any easier. I feel like I walk around through life with a mask on, trying to make out that life is ok. But deep down there are tears that are flowing all the time. NO one should ever have to watch there baby die, no one should have to say goodbye to there child. Us parents are suppose to outlive our children. I miss Harrison so very much.
One thing I have learnt through my whole pregnancy is don't make promises you can't keep. I had so many people offer to help in different ways, but had no intention of fulfilling that offer. I also had people there and now I bearly see or hear from them. Were they there to help,, but I don't think people understand that when Harrison died it was the eye of the storm. During my pregnancy was the start of the storm, his death was the eye and now is the end bit of the storm, but unfortunately sometimes I can't see how to rebuild, it seems you just co exist with this cyclone inside you.

Harrison, I love you so very much. blowing you kisses and hugs for today. I wonder what you are doing in heaven? Please God just give my sweet little boy my hugs and kisses.

How I wish you were here

It was my birthday on Wednesday, I just wished so badly Harrison was here. Birthdays seem to be so hard for me. I think that whole awareness that someone is missing comes out on those days. When Rodney and I went to Sydney we talked about what we are going to do on Harrison's birthday. That is going to be one of the saddest days in my life, that whole turning 1 is so special, he will be turning 1 as an angel I guess. We have a bit of a family tradition that we do up the kids favourite food for breakfast. I want it to be special. We have decided that our family is going to start a family tradition especially for Harrison. The day he was born and the day he died will be 2 days that we will take time out and celebrate our baby being here on this earth, no matter how brief he was here, he meant the world to us, and he changed our lives. 28 hours made a difference to our world, and the world around us.

I miss Harrison so very much, it is this longing for him that I can't explain. To have another baby wouldn't take that away, you just want the one that was here. I seem to have a load of friends that are pregnant at the moment. I am really happy for all of them. I am sure they don't know what to say to me. I am happy for all of them, but they can't protect me from them being pregnant, and it isn't them being pregnant that sometimes makes me sad, it sometimes just takes me back to being pregnant with Harrison, and what I don't have, It is so hard to explain it to people. I know if I wanted to I could fall pregnant very easily, but it is not that I want to be pregnant, it is that I want a baby that I can't have. He was here but here for to brief of a time. One of my friends due date is Harrison's date he was born. That was really hard. I just hope she goes early or late. Normally someones due date if it lands on your childs birthday it kind of would be really cool. You would never forget that friends childs birthday or age. But I guess it would just be hard for me, that would be a reminder always of what I don't have.

Harrison you are so very loved, I miss you so much. I felt a breeze today when I went for my walk, I knew you were sending love and kisses on it, I send you the biggest mummy hugs ever, and loads of mummy kisses. I love you sweet boy. Love mummy

Harrison's Sunset

I got Harrison's name written in the sand. The website does it in memory of there son that died. The website is namesinthesand.blogspot.com write your babies name in the sand. I really loved the idea, I love that on the web site they say that they believe that your baby chooses there own sunset. I love Harrison's sunset, I love the sun shimmering across the water. It kind of made me think he is up in Heaven and he is an angel with loads of brightness. I want to blow this image up and get it framed. That will be the next thing to do.

Harrison, I love you, this will never change. There is this emptiness that doesn't go away. I love you so very much, Love Mummy

My Birthday

It was my birthday yesterday, it was really hard to not have you here on those sorts of days. I had lots of tears. I had gotten your name written in the sand from a website and it came up yesterday on the web site. (the web site for those of you who are bereaved parents in nameinthe sand.blogspot.com )It was beautiful. So that made it nice to see that. Rodney tried really hard to make the day special for me. I also went to the hospital in the morning to take the first load of albums up. So in a way it was nice as I felt like I spent it with you. I am sure you had planned it as everyone was there yesterday that were key players in your life. Gina the midwife that took care of you, Marie who looked after you the day you died and Amanda the bereavement midwife. So it was nice to give all the girls a big hug and to talk to them.

I miss you so very much. I love you. I so very much wish you were here with me. Love Mummy

Sydney

I went to Sydney for the weekend. I found it hard getting on the plane as the last time I got on a plane was when I was pregnant. It was a real emotional day, friday. Rodney and I walked along Darling Harbour. It was nice, it was the first time he and I have had time to ourselves since losing Harrison. We sat at a restarant that looked out onto Darling Harbour and we chatted, but what I loved most is that we talked about Harrison. I did end up crying sitting there but it was nice to just chat, and not be interrupted by other children. On Sunday we went for a walk but I didn't realise we walked past the place we stayed when we came down to Sydney when I was pregnant. That sent me into a slight distressed state. A part of me wished I could be back there, at least Harrison was with us.There are so mnay moments, so many memories that make him still here with us. Sometimes I worry will he be forgotten, but now I know I over the weekend. Other people may forget my son, but I know Rodney and I especially our lives have been forever altered by our son, we will never forget him, he is with us everywhere we go.

Harrison I love you so very much. Miss you, Mummy

Going to Sydney

The last time I flew to Sydney was when I was about 6 months pregnant with Harrison, we heard about a christian man that had a gift in healing. I was willing to do anything to make my son better. I often wonder did I not have enough faith that God would heal him? What went wrong. This man has seen many miracles, I guess maybe that is why I had so much hope that Harrison would prove everyone wrong. So as always, there is that element of memory of him, and how he is not here with us.

I wish I could whisper lots of sweet things to you my sweet Harrison. I wish I could whisper I love you, feel your little breath on my cheek when you are sleeping in my arms. I wish I could get those moments that all mothers hold dear holding there babies and giving them those beautiful hugs, and not wanting to really put them in there bed because that moment you just want to take in. That is what I want with you Harrison. Those moments have been taken away from me. It just doesn't seem fair.

You are so very loved and missed so very much. I love you! Love Mummy

'A butterfly lights beside us like a sunbeam, and for a brief moment it's glory and beauty belong to our world, but then it flies again, And though we wish it could have stayed, we feel so lucky to have seen it.' Author Unknown.

I miss you my sweet darling Harrison. As always I miss you so very much and wish you were here. I went and got my hair done at the hairdressers today, I hadn't seen my hairdresser since just before I heard about Harrison having the Diaphragmatic Hernia. I explained to her that you kind of go into survival mode, and those luxury things you wipe because your just trying to get through each day. She asked me how I was doing. Not alot of people ask any more. I think they see me functioning and think I am doing ok. My birthday is coming up and I am finding that extremely hard. It is family moments like that bring up the loss even more. I should be having a birthday with a 5 month old baby, but he isn't here.

I love you my sweet boy, sending you hugs and kisses. Love Mummy

You mean the world to me

I have been flat out doing your charity stuff lately, I am humbled by the unbelievable response that I am having with the scrapbooking world. Thank you to all you scrappers out there that have rallied with me to make Harrison's charity come together. I hope he is looking down and being so proud of his mummy.

I miss you so very much. I just wish you were here. Being near the Mater on Saturday night makes me miss you even more. Next week I am making a trip up there to drop off more cards and your albums. It is always hard to go there, but there is where I feel close to you, except sometimes I just want to make sure you aren't there, it is this pull because sometimes I just want to make sure they didn't get it wrong. I wanted a miracle and my miracle didn't come.

I constantly question God. Why?? Why let me carry a baby for 9 months? Why give me so much hope to then take him away from me. I have so many regrets, so many wishes that will never come true.

Harrison my sweet little boy, I love you, as time goes by the pain never goes away, I think you learn to live with the pain and the sadness. I love you. I hope the angels rock you tonight and sing to you untill you go to sleep. I love you my sweet little angel. Love Mummy

Flowers

I have never received so many flowers, or even seen that many flowers in someones house before, after Harrison died. the funny thing is as much as each bunch was beautiful, they died and seeing another thing die made me sad.

I have been really busy lately organising Harrison's charity, hence why there hasn't been many entries the last week or so. His charity makes me feel closer to him. Also it is another way I can talk about him.

I miss him so much. I can't believe four and half months have gone by since he was born. In some ways it feels like forever ago, so much has happened in my life since then. But in other ways it feels like yesterday. I went to dinner last night at a restaurant near the Mater, all I wanted to do all night was to run down there, it is the weirdest thing, I know he is gone, but sometimes I just want to check to make sure. In some ways I think it a copying strategy my body does, because reality is just to harsh, and I know his gone, but I think my brain ticks with some dellusion that he may still be there

I have come to a discusion that I am not having any more babies. After Harrison dying in my arms, I can't imagine ever holding another new born. It seems this sacred place that belongs to him and my heart can't let that go. I was sad last night about Harrison, my husband asked me if I was sure about not having any more, my reply to that was that no I didn't want another baby, I wanted Harrison. That is never gong to happen.

If the world could only feel a fraction of the loss that I feel, I think it would change most peoples lives. This hearache that I feel is so more intense and deeper then the heartache that you feel with the loss of your first love. It doesn't gradually go away, it simmers under the service, just waiting for a trigger then it explodes with suc intensity that it feels like I am right back in that room when he was dying. Sometimes I want to scream, why me, why did this have to happen to me. Why does anyone have to go through this. It is horrible.

Harrison I love you so very much, I miss you. With your charity, I have been taking your album around showing you off. I love looking at your photos. You are so very missed my sweet little boy. What I would give to have you back. Love Mummy

The morning you were born

These photos were taken the morning I delivered Harrison (14th September 2010) I was so nervous that morning, trying to hold it together. I spend alot of time on Harrison's layouts, I want them all to be really special, so far with his album I love all the layouts. I want his album to be so perfect.
I saw a pram the other day that was like the one I was going to get if all went well with Harrison, there was a little baby in it, Cody my 2 year old went up and wanted to look at the baby. It made me get really teary, I couldn't help but think that Cody should have been able to enjoy being a big brother to Harrison. He should have been able to go up to our own pram and look to see his own baby brother.

Harrison, I look up at the stars at night and wonder where you are. I love you so very much, and I miss you everyday. Love Mummy

Angel

I did this layout recently, love scrapbooking, and when I do Harrison's layout, in a strange way I feel like I am doing something with him, so I love scrapping his photos. I titled it Angel, because he is my angel. I will keep adding his layouts so you can see his album starting to shape up. He is so missed.
Sometimes it feels like it is a dream all that has happened. More like a nightmare,

I miss you my sweet little boy. Loving you more everyday. Love Mummy

This was my dresser with all the sympathy cards we recieved after Harrison was born. And the orchids that we were delivered. We got 2 pots of these orchids, A pink one and a white flowered one. I really treasure these, I am usually not very good at keeping plants alive. But these sit in my dining room and I am obsessed about nothing happening to them. We were told by the people that gave them to us that they will flower at the same time every year, and that is when Harrison was born and when he died. I really love them, taking care of them, I think of Harrison,

I love you my sweet Harrison.

Cogenital Diaphragmatic Hernia Awareness

I just wanted to dedicate this entry to create awareness to Cogenital Diaphragmatic Hernia. This is the condition that Harrison had, that cost him his life. This is usually picked up on Scans. Harrison's was picked up on his 20 week scan. This is where there is a hole in the Diaphragm wall and it allows organs from the stomach area to move up into the chest cavity and affects your baby's lung growth and can also affect babies hearts. Harrison had his stomach and his bowel in his chest cavity, this caused his heart to shift over to the left side and then affected his lung growth. Harrison's heart wasn't affected other then being moved over to the wrong side, but babies that aren't born with enough lung can not breath and there is nothing any one can do about it. Therefore this cost my son who was 28 hours young his life. Some babies do survive this condition. It depends on the severity of the hernia, and how much it has affected the lung growth. I miss my son so very much. I hope that one day my son's story can help another family cope with there journey with Cogenital Diaphragmatic Hernia.

I love you Harrison. There is not a day, or an hour that goes by that I don't think of you. Missing you so very much. Mummy

Missing you

I miss you so very much. I have been busy lately organising your charity. It has made me feel like you are with me when I do this. It Makes me feel a little closer to you. I read on a facebook message that someone had there baby who had a diaphragmatic hernia baby going in for there operation. I cried hearing that, I wanted that so badly, I was so wishng that is what had happened with us. In one way it was nice to hear that a diaphragmatic hernia baby got to the operation. But then another side was there to, that why didn't we get that far. Why did Harrison have to go. When I read that message, it knocked the wind out of me. I wish so badly I could have been in there shoes.

Harrison I miss you so much. I wish you were here with us. Sending you big hugs and loads of kisses my sweet little boy. Love Mummy

My Favourite photo of you

This is my favourite photo that I have of Harrison. This photo sits beside my bed. The hospital took it of him the first time I saw him. When the flash went off he jumped. I love this photo he just looks so perfect, so like any other baby except with a tube. Gosh I miss him.

The last few days have been really busy. I live in Brisbane where we have had severe flooding. I have been out trying to help. I have busied myself with baking and donating stuff that we don't need. I guess I can understand there loss. I have lost the most precious gift ever, so I can relate to those that have lost there stuff. Though I must admit I would give up my house and my stuff to have Harrison back.

Harrison I miss you so much, I love you. I think of you all the time. I wish you were here. Love Mummy

What Makes a Mother

I am missing you like crazy. It is pouring here, flooding everywhere, I look out the window and it seems to me that the sky just matches what I feel in side. Gloomy and so sad. Some times I want to scream at the world and tell them all to leave me alone, I just want to sit for awhile and be sad. I don't want people to tell me how strong I am, especially when they haven't been bothered to ask me how I really am.

I love you my sweet Harrison, I miss you like anything. I hope God sits you on his lap and tells you the most beautiful of stories, and the angels sing you the prettiest of songs. I love you.

What can I say???

What can I say...... How can I tell you how much I love you..... How much I miss you. None of this is new, everyday is a hard day, everyday is another day gone by with out you, I carry this loss around with me everywhere I go, it's this void that has been created, never to be filled again. I scramble to make memories so that you will never be forgotten, I can't bear the thought of not having you with me in some sort of way. I miss you my sweet little boy, I miss those big title wave moves you did Those boots to my insides, you sitting on my bladder. I miss your little attitude you had when any person wanted to listen to your heart beat. I would give anything for one more day of being pregnant with you and having hope that you would be ok. I would give anything to have one more hour with you alive. To whisper things into your ear, how much I love you, and how perfect you were. You are so missed my little one. I love you.

Your photos

I love looking at your photos. I look at your beautiful little features. I miss you so much. Though I look at the small amount of things I have that are my memories of you, and honestly there is not alot there. It just seems a little unfair. The rain at the moment certainly matches my mood. I just want to stay in bed, stay in bed and think of you. I can't begin to explain, I don't think there is words to say how much I miss you and how much I love you.

Harrison I love you, sending you kisses and hugs. From Mummy

I love you

'If tears could build a stairway and memories a lane, I'd walk right up to heaven and bring you home again.'

Author Unknow

How do you begin to explain how much it hurts, how much you miss someone, the pain is not like any other. I remember how heart broken I was when I met my first love and things didn't go well. That seems so insignificant to what I feel now. The heart break of losing your baby, and how the pain never goes away. How out of the blue that memory comes flooding back and it can turn you from a normal person to a wreck. I wish for just one more moement, to steal one more kiss. To have that little hand to hold.

There is not a day that goes by that I don't miss you Harrison, there is not a second that ticks by that I don't love you. the saying above if I could do that I would. I love you and miss you. Love Mummy

Friends on earth

I friend of mine tagged me in on facebook to this picture. I really love it. I think as a mother you don't want your baby to be alone. So to think that Harrison is up in heaven with other babies is comforting. I have met some really special mums that have had to also deal with losing there babies. Some have been friends for a while and they never talked about it untill they knew about what was going on with Harrison, and others I have met through the support group (Sands) I tend to cry over everyones loss, I guess to me I know the pain of losing Harrison so you can totally relate to there pain. But also it just seems to sad. That isn't the way it is suppose to work. I went into Harrison's birth wanting to believe in Miracles. I wanted to tell the doctors that my boy was a miracle. I guess I wanted the doctors to be so wrong.

My sweet Harrison, I hope you up in Heaven with Miller, Jay, Leith, Chloe and Lily. I hope you are altogether, playing with the angels. I hope there are the most beautiful fields filled with the most enchanting flowers. I hope you all look after each other. You are all so very missed, and so very loved. I miss you Harrison, I love you. Sending you all lots of cuddles.

Loving you

My cousin bought me this beautiful necklace, I love this, it is amazing how people design things that say so much. Thank you Holly for this. I carry all my memories of Harrison on a chain. They are my links to my son, and I appiciate all my friends who have helped me collect these special things to remind me of my Harrison.

I miss you my sweet Harrison. I loves you.

Harrison's Foot Prints

My girlfriend Jodi, spoke to me a few weeks after Harrison was born about this company that she had found who takes fingerprints, footprints and handprints of your children and then they shrink it and put it onto a necklace or a keyring the company is www.smallp.com.au she got me to send down footprints of Harrison that the hospital did up for me. She then got me this beautiful necklace

This company has also just introduced engraving on the back, so Jodi got this saying put on the back 'Each breeze you feel and see brings love and a kiss from me' Jodi had taken this off the poem that was read out at Harrison's funeral When she gave it to me, it made me cry so much. It is so special, and so perfect. I feel so blessed to have special things that I carry with me on my necklace all the time. I have a locket on my chain that has a photo of Harrison and his hair, and my cousin gave me a beautiful pendant that is a mother holding a baby, and Jodi gave me this. I now carry a photo, hair, his footprints, and love, close to my heart all the time These things mean so much to me, as no matter where I am he is always close to me. Thank you Jodi so much for this beautiful gift.

Harrison, I am missing you more and more each day. I looked through your photos last night, the moment I see them, it takes my breath away. I miss you so much. I love you my sweet angel Love Mummy